My Dad outed me

My Dad told me today that he outed me as gay to his Mom a week ago without my permission. I came out a few months ago and am still struggling to accept myself without shame. And I wasn't ready to come out to my Grandma or the rest of my relatives, and now a lot of them may know. I wanted to be the one to tell them. I feel betrayed. I feel gross about being gay. :icon_sad:

 

Don't feel gross or ashamed of being gay. I'm sorry that this has happened. Take it one day at a time and don't let anyone's judgment get under your skin! Keep your head up. At an appropriate time, it may be a good idea to talk to your dad about how you don't appreciate this and it should be your decision who and when you tell.

 

Are you available to PM, resu? I could use your help

 

Wait!

Slow down and breath a moment. Count to ten. Calm your nerves for a moment... Think about your father for a moment. I am not saying that what he did was right or even acceptable. But, just think about it. Put yourself into his shoes.

He is still a child. He may be an adult. But, his mother is alive. Which still makes him a child. Take yourself out of the picture for the moment.

When faced with something that we can't grasp or overloads our emotion. A child, no matter the age, will turn to 'mommy'. Now, depending on how he said this to you it may not have seemed that way. I don't think your father was trying to be callous or even try to gossip. He just needed to talk to his mom. Do you know her reaction?

For, if my father still hid his mother around... Things may have been different. My grandma are very close and it wasn't always the case. Especially in my younger days. She and I got close when I was outed to her. She came to me on her own to speak to me. To find out if it was true or not. She wanted to understand me, her grandson. She has been alive a long time and in that seen and been through alot.

It was my conversations with her that helped my mother to begin accepting me. Because, of course... After coming out to my mother... Who did she turn to? She went to her mother! I had this same thought, the same urge! And panicking all at the same time! My grandmother did not speak of it. When I was ready to tell the rest of the family, then that was different. If they asked her about or said they suspected she always replied that she couldn't tell either way but she could see where they were coming from. Usually, by simply saying two words "I understand."

So, it may not be as bad as you may think. But, your father still should not have done so. I am sorry that he took that away from you. I am sure in time you would have when you were ready.

 

I'm glad your Grandma helped you gain acceptance! My Grandma is fine with it, but this is a big deal to me and I wanted to be the one to tell her. It's not fair. I feel like I can't trust anyone. And he told my Mom that he had told his Mom and my Mom didn't mention it to me. I'm tired of this.

 

I can definitely agree with you on that. You'll never have that opportunity again. It was your triumphant success at being able to tell her, and your mother on that note, with the utmost courage that you are and it was taken from you. It's really hard to build up that courage in the first place.

So, yes... I would say that you do need to sit down with your father or rather, both your parents. Also, you might need to talk to your grandmother about it as well.

That yes, ok you are gay! But, that isn't everything there is about you. You are still you and you don't want to be the gossip of the day and advertise it. It's not like you are sprouting rainbows and you don't want to be perceived as a thing but rather that this is something new to you and about you, which in turn adds to all the somethings that make you you. All you were trying to do when you told them was to be honest! Honest with yourself foremost, but honest with them as their son, so they knew who their son was. A something that adds to their son who is still their son.

It doesn't mean you are perfectly ok with yourself or perfectly ok with telling the whole world yet. You just wanted to make them aware for future reference so it wasn't a surprise or sprung upon them. Aware that if you seem distant or depressed or unlike your usual self that you are just going through some things. Partly due the past conversation and your own personal views/thoughts that hindered you finding yourself. Any positive advice would be helpful... But, in the end just their love and acceptance they happen to find it is all that you need and value.

Don't talk about it or ask questions about it every chance you get. I still have other things that make me me and other things that I am interested in and going through. So, when I come to you that is different. I am ready to talk about that topic. Otherwise, there are other topics of the day we can discuss. As for the rest of the family, I will tell them I am when I am ready. Otherwise you are just exploiting my hardship and making it harder on me. Give me time to adjust to all the new. Because just as much as it new to them it is also new to you.

 

This too shall pass. Yeah it wasn't on your terms and that is majorly annoying, I definitely can agree with that. However take a step back and look at the situation. It's out now, there's nobody else to worry about telling, and you can finally live your life as you want to rather than hiding from people that you're afraid to tell. There has to be some part of you that is just a little relieved that it's finally over. You may not feel it yet, but I'm sure you will in time.

This is a good thing, go forth and live your life how you choose, now that people can no longer choose for you!

Good luck!
Kyboan

 

Remember it's usually the connection you have with another person of the same sex, not the sex that makes you gay. At the same time, you may be in love with someone and not even ever been undressed with them. It's usually about yourself and another person being in love. That's what is lost with today's society. Sex is one thing in itself. But yeah, it's the connection, the bonding, that defines. Everything in life seems to be about sex and stereotypes and who cares what others think, when they learn it's much more to being gay, that's when they understand.

 

Hi,

The feeling of shame is the worst. I don't really feel it internally about myself but the fear of what others think of me and their possibly disgusted reactions makes it incredibly difficult and then I do feel quite a lot of shame. Which is why if I ever decide to tell any of my family that I'm... whatever it is I am... most likely gay... I know I won't be telling the older generation at all - I don't even want them to know secondhand. Having to explain it to old people who I think mostly only care about me if I'm doing what's acceptable in their eyes is out of the question. So while I'm glad you got a positive reaction from your grandmother, I really do understand you wanting to make it your choice of when and how to tell her rather than someone else taking it upon themselves to do it for you. That's not cool.

I wonder though... Do you think that you father telling your grandmother might be more about him than about you? Perhaps he needed to talk to someone about it himself?

 

hi daughtry,
I am sorry you are in this frustrating position, I am in a similar situation and can relate. My mother has been dropping hints to my family, although I do not feel ready myself to deal with coming out. The day I witnessed it I was extremely upset, I felt betrayed, angry, embarrassed... I did not understand why I felt that way.
At one level I thought it was because I wanted to be the one to tell others, heck I have not outright come out to even my mother. But, if this was why I was angry, I realized she was doing me a favour, she was trying to help make that discussion and coming out process less intimidating. I think your father was trying to help in his own way. If he wanted to he could have hidden the fact that he told her from you, but like my mother, he made it clear so you could see the reaction would be supportive.
After more thought, I realized I was not just angry that she was dropping those hints. I was upset that she was getting the discussion going. Her doing it made the whole coming out process more real and imminent. While I thought I was ready, perhaps her doing that forced me to deal with some of my subconscious nervousness and anxiety. It's why I think I was so angry and upset. I have taken sometime to think about being gay and used resources like this website to accept it more for myself so I dont feel so much apprehension about it, Im still working on it.
I was angry like you feel right now, but taking a step back and thinking about why you feel this way might help a little, I know it did me.
Sorry once again, I know how difficult this is, it really affected me for days after.

 

I'm just really sad, why does everyone betray me? :icon_sad:

 

Finding out who you are, not just your sexuality, is a difficult thing to do. I am going through it too. Everyone does, unfortunately if you are LGBTQ.. it is even more challenging at times. But it is important to not allow yourself to start to isolate yourself from your friends and family.
When we are dealing with something so difficult we start to go into our own minds and ruminate about small things, start to obsess and develop resentments etc... I have found being conscious of the thoughts and what is triggering them makes me realize that maybe I am seeing things more negatively than they actually are. I sat for nights asking myself why my mother did what she did. Came up with reasons to be mad. But after thinking about why I was responding in this way I realized it had a lot to do with me and my apprehension and anxiety.
Your dad may not have intended to betray you, he may have been seeking support from his mother for both of you. He just did not know how to go about it properly.
Don't let things get you down and withdraw from your family and friends. It will help to talk to them if you feel betrayed or uncomfortable about certain things. But be open to their point of view, their intentions. Help them learn what they can do to support you in the future if you are comfortable.