Relationships with straight exes

Ouch that's rough. I honestly don't know what you could do other than making it clear you never intentionally led her on and apologize (granted this is all stuff you've likely already done). If she's having such a tough time letting go of you maybe it's for the best that you not talk for a while. It sucks seeing someone you love in pain, but you did all you could do and it's so much better you break it off now rather than marrying her and dealing with all this way down the line instead. It might be more upsetting for her because you were honest with her, and you wouldn't be ending it because you cheated; so she still thinks you're a great guy. It could be a blessing that you live 2 hours away so she can start getting over you without being reminded by you being close by though.

You absolutely cannot change who you're attracted to, and it sucks most of us are stuck being attracted to a person's sex before the their personality, but it's how it is. If she doesn't wanna speak to you, I wouldn't push her to keep contact because it may only make it harder on her. Maybe just try to convey your thoughts strongly one more time if you have forgotten to stress any point, and just remember try making it as easy on her as possible.

 

I don't know if you've read my posts, but I am in a very similar situation, only I'm on the other side of it. My ex-girlfriend recently came out as a lesbian. We have been close friends for ten years, even though we lost contact now and then over the years, we always found eachother again. We were boyfriend/girlfriend two different times; when we were 19/20, and when we were 26, so a lot of time had passed.

Anyway, after not hearing a word from her for 10 months, no letters, texts, calls, emails, nothing for 10 months, she contacted me out of the blue in August 2008. After talking a little while, she ended up telling me she is gay.

She verified for me all the vague reasons she gave me when we broke up, which at that point, was over a year ago. It made everything make sense in a way, because when she broke up with me, there was no real reason. We hadn't been arguing or anything like that, the relationship was going smoothly. I remember her at first not wanting to give me a reason. She said, "I don't know if I should say it, I don't want to ruin your life."

Eventually, she said, "I just don't have romantic feelings for you, and I was shocked when I realized that, and I tried to ignore it. I tried to believe that the fact that we are together should be more important than that, but I can't."

Anyway, that was the break up...I'll get back to when she came out to me in August 2008...

To be honest, I was shocked, and I did cry about it. I wasn't sure if I would be able to handle being friends, but in a way, it was a relief that I didn't have to worry about some asshole guy out there (she would always seem to find them!) abusing her or treating her like shit.

We had always shared a special connection with eachother, a certain understanding, and had been close friends for a long time. We tried to make it work. We became friends again, and it seemed to be going great. We went to concerts together, we went out to eat for my birthday. We hung out at her apartment and played music together and it felt like old times, it felt like no time had passed since we'd last seem eachother.

She explained to me that she can't love a man, she told me she is unequivocally gay and she added that if she was straight, she knows she would be with me, because all the other feelings are still there...just not the romantic or sexual attraction, because she can't feel that way about a man.

So after about 3 months of being friends, one night we were talking through texts, and one thing lead to another, and she said, "I am hoping to find a partner someday. I just hope it won't be painful for you."

So, like a selfish idiot (or just being honest, depending on how you look at it), I told her that yes, it will be painful for me. But I also added that I could accept that. So ever since I said that to her, she started backing off. We didn't hang out, she didn't respond to texts right away anymore (if at all), and she kept postponing the days we had planned to hang out. Until one night, 3 weeks later, she eventually told me that she had been trying to do what would "cause the least upheaval for both of us."

What that really means, I don't know, and that was the last I heard from her. I guess my point is that we tried to make a friendship work. But I still have very strong feelings for her, romantic feelings, I know she is an ex, but I can't help but have the same old feelings I did for her as I did when we were together.

It would always hurt in the past to see her with another man, so I thought that maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad to see her with a girl. But when she said it like that, and I really thought about it, I realized that it does hurt, because she is still with someone else. And now that she came out as a lesbian, it's like I know FOR SURE that she and I can't be together.

Before she came out, there was always a hope, no matter how small, that we would be together again. But after coming out, that hope is completely gone. It has been difficult and it's devastating to go through. I guess maybe she wanted to spare me the pain and is pushing me away because she doesn't want to be responsible for hurting me. I don't know, I don't really know her reasons.

I hope maybe this helps you understand what your ex is going through.

 

My situation? I was married for 9 years and had two daughters with my wife when I finally came out to her. That was just over 2 years ago.

Her reaction? Devastated. And it's natural. It's a loss that the person has to deal with - similar to experiencing the death of someone. But for every loss there is a greiving process that needs to happen. And sometimes the person will cycle through that process more than once, or in a different order. It is very natural, and you need to let her do that. I'd have been more concerned if she wasn't upset at all... wouldn't that have been odd?

My wife and I obviously had to keep seeing each other. We were living together at the time. We had two young children to think about. We had a great counsellor that helped us tremendously. (Everyone should have a therapist - they rock!) And she came to understand how my depression and unhappyness in our marriage likely stemmed from my orientation - feeling like a square peg being forced into a round hole. And she saw how much happier I became when I met my bf. She knew me well enough and loved me deeply enough that I was better off with him than I was with her. It was hard for her, but she's a wonderful and insightful person, and she loves me.

So it is bound to be rough in the begining. And without the link between you of children, there may not be much incentive for either of you to maintain a 'friendship'. It's hard to say.

But I can tell you that my ex-spouse is one of my biggest supporters, and that we get along better now than we did when we were married. We're totally committed to our children and their welfare, and we're committed to each other in a way best friends would be. I'm minding the girls for her tonight so that she can go to a concert with her new boyfriend. I also kept the girls for over a week in February so she could go to Mexico on a holiday with him. And when he lost his car keys while they were away, I drove his spare set to the airport!!! How's THAT for being a great gay ex-husband?!?

It will get better. She needs to work through the emotions. Don't beat yourself up over her reaction. You knew it wasn't going to be pretty. But you also knew it had to be done. Misleading her any longer would have been worse. So good for you for doing the right thing. Be there for her if she needs your support, and give her room if she needs that instead.

 

JD, some real wisdom and worthy advice in the above posts. Sorry I didn't get back to this earlier but I really thought I had posted here cause in my mind I had everything laid out in what I wanted to say to you.

It is devasting when you are up front and honest to someone you love and things turn on you. The apparent schizophenic behaviour of your girlfriend (and she still is a friend) leaves you bewildered and feeling a sense of guilt and shame. She in turn has released emotions which have been, up until this point, foreign to you and it has left you winded on the road.

Now, the reality. Leave your sexuality on the sidelines for a moment. Think about being a straight guy who is breaking up because you have found someone you love more and you can't live a lie with your present girlfriend. Her initial reaction is probably very similar to your girlfriends, one of empathy for your pain in trying to tell her, and one of respect for your honesty and concern for her feelings....now to the downhill slope of the roller coaster.....

The ugly side of the ego takes over and becomes self absorbed. Suddenly she no longer sees your feelings, but is focused only on hers. She is deeply hurt, not by you, but by the circumstances she sees threatening her self esteem, her security. She attacks, not you, but the threat you represent and unfortunately, that threat becomes a rage of verbal hurt that you feel.

Now let's throw your sexuality back into the fold. It is the focus of her attack, not you. It has threatened her in ways I have described and she is defending herself and her relationship with you in the only way she knows how......verbal confrontation.

She has retreated to a place of security, which is away from you, thus her never wanting to see you again. It is her shelter where she needs to process everything that has unfolded before her in such a tidal wave of emotion.

Time will bring her back. She will recall the sweet, sensitive and loving you. She will realize the hurt both of you are suffering and she will realize that you have done the right thing.

Don't blame your honesty or your sexuality. Blame, but understand, human nature.. you are seeing the dark side of the moon, but only temporarily.

Now is the time to lean on us.....don't retreat to that horrible seclusion of depression and self doubt. We need to go through the fire in order to be refined, much like pure gold. The hurt, believe it or not, will turn to strength and you will look back and see growth. Climbing a mountain requires fortitude and strength of character of which you possess both. When you arrive at the peak, you will look down the mountain and see how far you have come.....We love you JD, you are a valuable part of this human experience. Stay strong my young friend.....Walk proud and we will walk with you, stumble and we will lift you up......Keith