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Stuck in the closet- please help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by em982, May 30, 2016.

  1. em982

    Regular Member

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    Before I start, I am a straight female and posting in regards to an ex-boyfriend. I hope this is okay as I wasn’t sure where else to turn.

    Okay so the backstory (it’s a bit long!!)

    I was with my ex-boyfriend for 2 years, and we broke up a year ago. As soon as we broke up, things started falling into place and I realised he had always been gay. (I am 100% sure about this however won’t go into how I realised as that isn’t important.)
    I know my ex-boyfriend will never come out. EVER. He has a very strict Asian family and he has created a ‘tough guy’ image so no one would suspect him. I don’t think he thinks his father would ever accept it. He has hidden it from all of his friends. To them, he is the normal lads lad that will make out with girls on nights out.

    From what I know there is only one occasion where he’s discussed his sexuality with someone, and that was with me before we got into a relationship. I used his computer and a gay dating website was up, so I confronted him. We discussed it in length and he confessed that he had been intrigued by men so he joined the website, but that it was just a phase and that he was only interested in females. He said he was extremely relieved I had found out and confronted him as it took a huge weight off his shoulders.

    I now know that he is and always has been interested in men. I know he has sexual relationships with them but I think he is indenial that it could ever be emotional, so still tries to have relationships with women. He also isn’t in a community where he could go out and actually date a guy, so right now he will just be meeting them for sex.

    It breaks my heart to think he will live his whole life a lie and I wonder how alone he must feel.

    When I realised this a year ago, I nearly asked him to meet up so I could tell him I knew and that I accepted him and was there for him. I thought him knowing he had one friend who fully accepted him may lighten the load he has been carrying, and that he would have someone to talk to. I decided against doing this as I didn’t want to force him into a situation.

    A few months have passed and although we don’t speak regularly anymore, I’m still so concerned. We were best friends and I care about him so much. I don’t know whether to just walk away as if I don’t know anything at all. I have known friends were gay before and left them to come out in their own time, but as I said above, I know my ex-boyfriend will never ever come out intentionally. You may say I could never know this and that things may change but please believe me, I know. I know him better than I know myself and looking back I can see the pretence he’s built to protect himself and that he will live in these walls forever.

    So I wanted your advice. Any opinions are welcome.

    Would you leave your ex-boyfriend in the closet knowing he will never ever come out?
     
  2. bryaninau

    Regular Member

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    This will not be an easy decision, however I understand where you are coming from. The choice to come out must be his and he must know that he will have the support of friends and family, or that there is somewhere he can go where he gets the support he needs. I would not try and force him out however signs of encouragements are fine. You might want to go through and tell him you know hes gay and such. Showing your support and offering a safe place for him goes a long way.
     
  3. SHACH

    Full Member

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    I would definitely reach out and offer support. Open up the conversation so he can really open up about his feelings and try and work stuff out for himself. Be there to support that. But yeah, don't force anything on him. Just offer your support. As long as your not bullyinghim into coming out then there should be no problem with this.