Okay, well I just have a couple random questions. First, what might one say if one is asked the dreaded "Are you gay?" but doesn't want to either outright deny it or say yes? Any nice little quips that could change the subject or say "Back off" but in a nicer way? Second... Not so much a question as I just need some general advice. I'm (tentatively) planning on coming out to my peers over the summer and next year. But I have denied being gay to a couple of my friends. I realize that's not uncommon, but how do people generally deal with that? I just feel like people would expect me to already have myself figured out by now because I go to an advanced school and the large majority of the people are not only intelligent but more mature than most people our age as well. I guess I'm just wondering if "I wasn't ready to come out" would work... This is just kind of a thought I had today (after someone was telling me, in a loud voice, why she thought I was gay... *headdesk*). It seems to me that orientation can either be information that's personal or extremely causal, depending on what the person makes it. Obviously if someone has a play-by-play of his or her sex life, it's not too personal. But if it's not made immediately apparent, it should be obvious that this is the way the person wants it. Is it not a little out of line for a casual acquaintance to ask for such personal information? Especially if they make no effort to make their inquiry subtle or private? Sorry if I ramble... I'm not feeling the best at the moment. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to reply.
if someone asks, u can say "does it matter?" but some ppl may take that as gay. its best if u find your own method but im sure someone will tell u a good one. and telling ppl later on that u werent ready is ok. you cant b expected to know something like this at a young age. everyone deals with it at different times in their life.
(1) I've found that the laughing it off technique has worked wonders when someone inquires about my sexuality. Either that or I just state that I haven't given much thought to the matter. Now, if the person is too insistent, you can truthfully (or untruthfully) admit that you might have become mildly attracted to another person but felt nothing deep for the person. (2) The fact of the matter is that you're right: Most people deny their sexuality when asked about the matter; it's a natural response when one fears the response of another. As for how do people deal with that, well, it's hard to say considering that even a microcosm of the population is truly eclectic; some people might feel offended that you "lied" to them, while others can understand your insecurities. Moreover, you believe that the people you plan to come out to would expect for you to have figured yourself out by this point in time; well, the truth is that, as I said before, everyone is different and everyone tackles situations at different angles with different approaches; basically, they can'texpect something like that of you.
Well. From experience. If people are asking you that, they probably already have their answer before you answer it. That's can be good, or bad, depending how you want to look at it. It's hard to shrug off the "Are you gay?" question. It doesn't really matter what you say: your words, and body language are going to answer the question anyways. Which goes back to my original point - if they're asking, they probably know.
I always hated it when people would loudly announce to the world the ten commandment like speech of why they thought I was gay. It's demeaning, belittling, and overly dramatic. You can do what I did sometimes, just like Alex said. "Does it really matter?" 9/10 times, most GUYS already take that as a yes. So, in a sense you're telling them your answer but letting them assume. And since they assume you can always deny it if you want.
>>>Okay, well I just have a couple random questions. First, what might one say if one is asked the dreaded "Are you gay?" but doesn't want to either outright deny it or say yes? Any nice little quips that could change the subject or say "Back off" but in a nicer way? There's no easy way to avoid this without people realizing that you're avoiding it. As long as you keep that in mind, there's a bunch you can say. You can always say, "Why? Are you asking me out?" This'll work for either guys or girls. Lex
thats a good point Lex... but if u say it to a guy it could result in a black eye. no rhyme intended...
1) Yeah, I get that sometimes... It really depends in what way they're asking. Most of the time people are just joking about it. I usually say something like "Not today." I mean, that's still technically a lie, but it usually ends conversation. It also depends on your personality. I usually make lots of stupid jokes. So I can say that. If on the other hand, they're asking you in a private confidential serious manner, it might actually be a good chance to come out to them. If you have any doubts or good reasons not to though, you might have to lie outright. Which leads in to number 2... 2) As far as this goes, you don't have to tell people until you're ready and you choose to tell them. If they ask you and you lie, you're just reinforcing what they would have assumed otherwise. They asked you sometihng personal and though lying may feel dishonest, it's still justified. If you come out to them later, you can just say you weren't ready to tell them yet.
How about "When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know." As far as 'shouldn't I have known by now...' I was in my early 30s before I figured it out. And while you might be gifted, I don't consider myself to be that slow. Don't be hard on yourself for just getting to this at the age of 15. And don't rush into coming out if you're not entirely ready. But when you do, most people will be ok with the fact that you didn't tell them before you were certain of it yourself. Good luck! I hope it all goes well.
If people are asking you "are you gay?" then that means they have suspicions or they already know and want it confirmed by you yourself. If you deny it, they may back off, but then your digging a whole for when you want to come out. If you dont say anything, they will assume you are gay. If you change the subject, they will assume your gay. And, if you say you are gay...well you get the point. So if your not ready to come out, i guess lie. When you do come out you can explain things, it may make the explaining harder but its better than being forced out. But again, if you get this question alot...maybe they already know?
yeah this is definitely the way to go! people will focus instead on coming up with something clever to say in return and forget that you didn't really answer.
Okay... Thanks for all the responses. Yes, I realize that people will not be asking if they don't have suspicions, and I also realize that most people assume I'm gay anyways. I'm not really thinking about "in general" because I don't really mind if people know, just as long as they realize I'm not ready for it to be common knowledge and that I don't want to discuss it. I'm thinking more about those few instances when I don't feel comfortable around the person asking or they just won't give it up. Denying it has never worked for me... It just ends in an awkward silence, with my face bright red from embarrassment.
in that case, they know your gay. im sure ppl at my school, for instance, know im gay. its not confirmed but i plan on letting it be known next year when im in college and the atmosphere is more (even by a little bit) mature. no high school bs to deal with- like gossip.
>>>no high school bs to deal with- like gossip. There's gossip everywhere, actually. But if you're out, there's nothing to gossip about. Nobody would whisper "I hear Alex is taking math class!" behind your back, because it's obvious, and you don't care who knows. Similarly, if you're out in college, there's nothing to gossip about. Lex
what i meant is that its more of a "who cares?" enviornment, ya know? high school is just so obnoxious... ppl tell me that they miss it but i am sooo over that trashy place i call school. but at the same time, it isnt so bad so it deserves some credit. i mean, my principal is a lesbian, after all.
As Lex said, I've been known to use "Why? Are you looking for a girl?" or something along those lines if people ask. Now I'm at the stage where I just give a "well, duh" face and say "Well, yeah..." I'd say that "I wasn't ready to come out" will be fine, or "I was still trying to figure it out". I think most people would understand that.
Pwahahaha back when I was still in the closet what I'd do when a guy asked if I was gay is I'd say "Oh hells yeah baby! Come here!" and they'd take it as a joke haha
