I've been a gay-leaning bisexual for as long as I can remember. I'm now 30 and incredibly lonely. I've never been honest with anyone and it's really catching up with me. I don't feel happy with who I am but I know things will just get worse if I carry on like this. I want to come out to my friends first as I know they're LGB friendly. But how do I explain that I've been lying for ten years? There's one friend whom I want to tell first, but one of my big fears is that he'll think I'm joking. Saying it two or three times, isn't going to be fun. I know some of my other friends might suspect but that doesn't make things any easier. I'm thinking that I want to start with my friends, then my co-workers and finally tell some of my family. My family aren't exactly homophobic but I don't get on well with my Mum. She's always been extremely selfish in her expectations of her children and I know I'll be finishing off her fantasies about the sort of life I'm going to have. The problem is I think the only reason I'd want to tell her is to get things off my chest about all her snide put-downs over the years. I've avoided contact with her for the last few months because I'm sick of hiding my anger towards her. But before I even consider that side of things, I thought it would be best to tell my friends, so that I have at least someone on my side. How should I do it? My instinct is that face to face is better. But I usually visit him at his house and his parents are always around. I'm starting to think that telling him over the phone might be better as he can then process things before we next have a drink. How should I do it?
hi I kept my bisexuality hidden from my wife for thirty years. When I told her she started laughing. It is not the end of the world. You just tell your story. Maybe it was fear, or your own inability to accept your sexuality. Maybe it was that you weren't sure. All these are reasons and most people understand. You can explain it as simply as "I have grown to trust you over the years and feel I can now share this". Be yourself and be genuine. Face to face, over the phone, or in writing are all fine. Whatever makes you most comfortable.
"I have grown to trust you over the years and feel I can now share this". I think that sounds like the best way forward. I'm pretty sure I'm going to call him today. (Although I did promise myself that yesterday.)
Hi Imploding, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was 34 when I finally came out to my family and to the friends I had known since school or university. Over a few weeks of thinking about it I realised I had to tell them, I had to come out. Why? Because it became more important to me than being guarded about how they would respond. I simply could not bear the fact that I was not being honest with them. I had to tell them. So I did. I started by emailing some of my friends (my circumstances at the time were a little different to yours - I was living for a couple of years in Australia - my home is in London - so I couldn't tell them face-to-face) and they were all completely supportive. I then wrote at more length to each of my close family. The reaction was powerful but ultimately 100% supportive. No one will ever think you are lying when you are sincere. No one thinks you will joke about something as important as this. When and how you come out will always be a personal choice. I did it long distance and it was fine. No one resented it. M
Imploding I think you are going to feel so good about yourself when you do this. I was terrified and an emotional wreck for a couple of weeks before coming out to my wife. After I feel so free. No more guarding myself. It is the greatest feeling.
