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Just Need Some Advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JustNoOne, Jun 5, 2016.

  1. JustNoOne

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    Hey everyone, I'm new here, and new to the LGBTQ community. I am just looking for some help and advice. Still unsure of my orientation, but I'm positive I'm not straight. Ive been questioning for a while now, but don't know exactly what I am. I was wondering if anyone could help me figure it out. I guess its story time then...
    So, a few years ago I had a crush on this girl who went to my school, (I am a guy BTW) and I had thought she was the most perfect person in the world. However, a year passed, and I got over her quickly, and started to develop feelings for guys at my school. I absolutely bated myself for it, and would hope that it was just a faze and that I'd get over it soon. However, another year passed, and my feelings stayed the same. I had developed a HUGE crush on this guy at my school, but was not willing to tell anyone. More time passed, and eventually very recently, I came out to my best friend, who I knew I could trust with anything. I told her about my crush, but told her I was Bisexual, because when I tried to say I was Gay I got very uncomfortable and the thought of confessing to being completely Gay made me sick to my stomach. She was extremely accepting and promised not to tell anyone. That night, I told her who my crush was, and she was extremely accepting and supporitve again. However, that same day, I had told my other friend, we'll call her friend B, that I had a crush, and she was very nosy and wanted to know who it was. I gave her a TON of hints and she figured it out at a party thing my school had for the entire grade to celebrate the end of the year. When she figured it out, she screamed, "WAIT, YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON (My crush's name)?!" Everyone in the grade was outside, and I paniced and covered for myself, lying to her. She believed me that I liked this one girl, which was partially true because last year I had thought she was cute, but that was all. Anyway, that's my story for my first question, which is, "Am I Gay or Bi?"
    Now for my next question, advice on what to do about my crush. I am probably being too hopeful or overthinking this, but here is my next story...
    My crush is your casual "straight, popular guy". He is one of the cool kids, and I can't tell if he is Gay or not. There are rumors that he likes the girl I first had a crush on, and that's very likely. However, I can't help but notice that he acts very weird around me, and there are some rumors that suggest he is Gay.
    The first time he acted odd around me was before our band concert. I was playing my saxophone, minding my buisness, when he walks from across the room where he was talking to his friends, comes up to me, and sticks his hand in my saxophone. He leaves it in my saxophone for a while, and tells me to play it. I, being the idiot I am, try to play it, but end up laughing too hard to play. I laugh when things are awkward. Anyway, his face turns really red, and someone says, "You look like you enjoyed that (My name)!" I mumble a retort and my crush walks back over to his friends like nothing happened.
    Fast forward a few weeks to the day I came out to my friend. I had been hinting to her about it for th past day, and she still hadn't figured me out. It was the morning, and in Science we were working on a class project. My crush spends a very long portion of the hour by my part of the project, but his part is all the way across the room. He was supposed to film the project, and decides to film me for part of the time. Later on in that class, I am setting up dominoes when. I feel a hand on my shoulder. Startled, I looked over and saw my crush with his hand on my shoulder. I gave him a questioning look to hide my nearvousness, and he then tells me he hopes the machine works well. He walks away and talks to his friends, and that was the last of the awkwardness... For that hour...
    That same day, I am in gym, in a storage room prentending to get a basketball with my friend so I could confess to her, and I chicken out. I stepped on one of those weighted scales like the kind they have at the doctors office, an attempt to avoid conversation with my friend. Suddenly, my crush walks into the room, for no apparent reason (He wasn't holding a ball or anything and a ball did not roll into the room for him to want to get). He sees me on the scale, and walks up to it, asking if I need help weighing myself. I say no, but he tells me to stay on, and moves the weights around, trying to balance it and find my weight. I keep stepping off nervously, telling him that I just wanted to look at it, but he keeps telling me to stay on, being a bit meticulous about finding my weight. He finds it, and I can finally step off. He tells me my weight, smiles, and walks out of the room. I then confess right then and there to my friend, who laughs because she realizes how awkward that's was for me.
    All that makes him seem Gay enough, but here is my doubts. One day, a girl walked by another girl, and said, "Ewart! She just touched me!" One of my crushes friends reply, "Yeah, she is so weird, acting all Lesbian and stuff." My crush says, "Right? Like, nobody wants to see that..." Also, there are the rumors of him liking my old girl crush, which I think is very likely. However, he doesn't act weird around her, he just sits by her in class sometimes. But while he did make that homophobic comment, he has (jokingly) said some very Gay things. Like in the locker room it was me, him, and his friend, and his friend goes, "I cant get my pants off!" He replies with, "Here, let me help you." (Jokingly) and his friend says, "it wouldn't be the first time." My crushed says, "And it wont be the last!" And with that, they both look at me and laugh. I walked away looking puzzled. And lastly, there are rumors that my crush and his friends shower nakid together after track, from a quite reliable person who has track.

    Anyway, sorry for the long post, I'm just very confused and looking for guidance. I need to learn to accept myself a bit more, and would also like to know what you guys think my crush is doing. I forgot to mention it before, but I am only put to one person, but everyone thinks I am Gay and people have many, many times made fun of me because they thought I am. Thanks for the help in advance!
     
  2. Nicaklaus

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    Oh boy... that was a handful. But never fear! For I am very gay, and very experienced at it!

    As for your first question, whether you are bisexual or not... that really isn't for me to tell you. It's for you to figure out as time passes and as you continue to develop feelings for different people. What you need to keep in mind is that it's okay to not know exactly what you are- don't feel pressured to immediately label yourself. I know 100% that I am fully gay, but I only came to this conclusion after two years of questioning. So yeah, you don't have to rush it if you're not sure.

    As for your crush... let's get this straight. Although we can try to guess, you will never know for sure unless you ask him.

    I'll give my honest opinion, which is that he's probably straight. I've seen a lot of straight guys do this, jokingly acting gay and stuff like that. The thing where he insisted on weighing you was kind of strange, but that isn't really a sign of him being gay, in my opinion. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE THOUGH; like I said before, you will never know for sure unless you ask him, and there is always a chance.

    Well, I hope I was able to solve some of your problems. Good luck with all of this, I know it can be confusing and quite frustrating at times. If you have any other questions or just want to talk, you can message me on my wall. :icon_bigg
     
  3. JustNoOne

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    Thanks for the support! I figured I'd get responses like those, so now I have two followup questions if that's alright.

    One, is there any effective, quick, or easy way to tell your sexuality? I'm guessing not. I've really been starting to think I am just gay, because this crush is very different than the one I had on that girl. Which brings me to my next question.

    How do I help myself get over a crush? Because lately I have been unintentionally obsessing over him. I turn everything he does into some kind of sign that he might just like me back, and it bugs me so much because I know it's (probably) not true. I hold on to every shred of hope there is and can't stop myself from it. I also keep seeing him do actually gay things, like putting his arms around a guy in Social Studies as he was sitting next to the girl he supposedly likes, or telling his guy friend that his hair looks perfect today and then petting it to "make it even better". And his friends also keep saying things like, "You going to be on the gay pride float today?" I've been clinging onto all of these things and more, and I can't stop myself. I also feel very nervous around him. Because I really wanted his signature in my year book because I might not see him at all next year if we have different classes, and there were so many opprotunities to ask him, even alone sometimes, but I chickened out every time, and hate myself for it. Any advice on getting over him? Sorry for the long post again, I like writing a lot.
     
    #3 JustNoOne, Jun 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2016
  4. JustNoOne

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    Just a bit of an update. I guess now that it's summer and I don't see him any more it will be a bit easier to get over him, but I still find myself thinking about him and what could possibly happen when I do see him. And I am starting summer school soon and if he is in my class I'll most likely keep finding "signs" that are just nothing. Still looking for some advice...
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    As things stand, you seem to be more attracted to other guys, so it's possible you are gay. One way to consider it, is to ask yourself how the feelings you had for the girl a year or two ago are different to the feelings you've had more recently for other guys, especially the guy you are crushing on. If the feelings for guys are stronger and more intense, you can begin to work things out from there.

    When you are alone, do you fantasise about your crush or other attractive guys? Do you ever think the same way about girls, these days? There is no quick way to define your sexuality, other than by piecing things together. You don't have to be 1000% gay, to label yourself as such, but if you are predominantly attracted to guys the answer you are looking for begins to emerge.

    I read your first message carefully and I didn't really see anything that would suggest your crush is gay, or even bi. The things you mentioned don't really give anything away about his sexuality. The prank with the Saxophone was just that - a prank. The hand on the shoulder was just... a hand on the shoulder. Weighing you like he did gives nothing away really and the comment in the changing room can't even be taken as anything definitive. Showering naked after sport/games is very, very common too, and no indication of a persons sexuality. Lots of straight men shower together after sport and nobody would reasonably question their sexuality on the basis of that. Maybe there was more to these 'happenings' than you have told us, but I would urge you to be cautious and not assume too much on the strength of these few awkward moments.

    If things become more obvious in the next few months, fair enough, but I don't think your have enough to go on right now.
     
  6. JustNoOne

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    Thanks for the help! After reading what you've said, I am almost positive that I'm gay, as the feelings for my current crush are a lot stronger than my past crush on the girl. However, I'm not really able to accept it myself, at least not able to see myself in the future as gay. This may just be because I am scared to come out though. As for my crush, I never consciously thought he could possibly be gay, it was more like my heart was trying to convince me that he was, or that I was only hoping he was. I only think it is a possibility for a second or two, and then my brain takes over. What I really need is to get over him though, which I can't seem to do. I'm trying to stop myself from thinking of him or imagining what could happen if he was gay, but I always end up giving in because it makes me feel so happy and excited inside! With that, a new problem has been brought up.
    My new problem is accepting myself. I have to a certain point excepted the fact that I am gay. I have accepted it to the point that I know that I have eyes for only guys, however, feel as though I could never tell anyone other than my best friend who I have already told. I get this feeling inside me whenever I think of myself with another guy that makes me positive that I'm gay, but I cant see myself (openly) with a guy. So, I honestly am too scared to ever come out. I know my parents are completely fine with it, and would be very accepting, however, I'm too scared to tell anyone. One day I told them I was writing a paper on same sex marriage and they got me to change my topic because they didn't want people thinking I was gay. They then told me that it was because people are hurt or sometimes killed for being gay, and that they didn't want me being hurt or killed. That made me never want to come out, so when they asked if I was having feelings that I was gay, naturally I lied. But now that there was that terrible shooting at that gay club, I don't ever want to come out. Do I just need to give it time and eventually I'll accept myself and be brave enough to come out, and what can I do to acheive this? I'm super scared now and don't ever want to come out, but lately have kind of been wishing for a relationship with a guy. Thanks for your help and support!
     
    #6 JustNoOne, Jun 13, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2016
  7. PatrickUK

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    Self acceptance is a 'slow burn' and you are only just at the point of thinking you might be gay. Pause for breath and give yourself time. Moving on and reaching a place of self acceptance will take time - it isn't like stepping down from a bus. It took me a number of years to accept the fact that I am gay and it may take some time for you too, but hopefully not years.

    Okay, let's take those two quotes together and suppose for one moment that your crush is/was gay and that you ended up in a relationship with him... an exciting thought for you! :slight_smile: If that were to happen, can you imagine that you would still deny the reality of your feelings; the reality of actually being in a relationship with another guy? Can you imagine wanting to keep it a deep, dark secret forever if you ended up dating the guy who has been the focus of your attention for the past year? At some point in the future you may face precisely this situation and I doubt you will want to keep it all a secret.

    The incident in the Florida nightclub was a terrible tragedy and some people are talking of it as a hate crime against the LGBT community, but I prefer to call it an act of terrorism against innocent people. It's really no different to mass shootings that have taken place elsewhere in the US in public places. If we live in fear and limit our lives because of incidents like these, the terrorists win.
     
  8. JustNoOne

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    Thank you so much for the help! To answer the first part, if we got in a relationship right now, I feel like I would tell me parents right away, even if he didnt want to tell his. I guess for being puhlic about it I would do what he wanted. However, if it were up to me, at this moment I can see me being proud of it and becoming open about it to everyone, because I'd have him to help me through it. Thanks so much for the help, and thanks for reassuring me about the shooting.
     
  9. JustNoOne

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    However, I feel like I'd only be proud because I had a crush on him for so long, and I'm not sure what I would for sure do. I could also see myself chickening out when trying to tell anyone.
     
  10. PatrickUK

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    It's quite normal to have these doubts and it's even normal to build yourself up to come out and then "chicken out" at the last minute. Does it mean you will not do it eventually? No, absolutely not. All of these things take time, but we are here to encourage you and to give you hope and strength to do these things and we will not rebuke or condemn you if you do back out. I have been in your shoes in the past (many of us have) and it's not easy, but it can be done.

    You are only in the early stages of self recognition and you should give yourself space. Coming out is a journey - not an Olympic sprint!