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Opinions needed..help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by greenthumb95, Jun 5, 2016.

  1. greenthumb95

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    For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it. Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time. I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no. Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her? We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication. I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends? The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE! My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does. I should add that the last 4 times my wife and i have had sex, i cant reach orgasm at all. Thats not good, especially when we are trying to have a baby. I guess I am just afraid to add more stress to her plate. She has a stressful job, there are alot of outside sources of stress and I guess I dont want to be another one of them. I mean, I honestly think she knows somewhat. She makes little jokes all the time..and when we were facebooking about it while i was at work, she told me that unless i want to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. I am also afraid that the amount of female friends and family members ive spoken with about it is going to haunt me, as it already has somewhat. Pleaseee help!
    I am still seeking advice from female friends, and have actually been to a therapist in regard to the issue. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!
    The urges have been around for years. They are to the point where I ask all my female friends, and even her female family members for advice. I am not sure why i do it, but i do.
    First, I am not actively seeking a sexual encounter outside of our marriage. I have been dealing with these thoughts since my freshman year of college. An ex GF of mine picked up on it, and confronted me. Ever since then, I have felt the need to seek out advice from women on the issue. Lately, my wife hasnt said anything or made any comments. I have tried many times to get the guts to talk to her in person, but I freeze up. However, over text and facebook..I have no issues making comments, in hopes that she will say "i know you like men sexually, etc".
    There have been a few times where she has almost found out from someone else, but it didnt happen. A couple we used to be very close with wont hardly speak to me anymore because I chose to ask the wife for advice(I used to be close with the wife of this couple, she was very close with mine).
    The wife of the couple and I are no longer friends.
    I have been married about 5 years, love my wife more than anything in the world. Ive been confused and undecisive about my sexuality in the past years. There are days where I think I am bi, and others where i think im completely straight. So much confusion in fact, that I began talking to my wifes friends and sisters..which eventually got back to her. Long story short, we talked about..she is aware of my bisexual sex fantasies..and knows I dont want to leave her for a guy or anything like that..but whenever we dont have sex for a while..I start craving a mans penis! I will watch bi porn, and cant stop thinking about giving another guy oral sex. I am in therapy for the issue, but it doesnt seem to be helping. It seems to only make me crave it more. Odd thing is, I dont desire a romantic relationship with a man, such as having a boyfriend..but I do desire hot, dirty, sweaty sex with one. What do i do?!
    My wife and I have talked about it. She is aware of the fantasies, but not the explicit details.
     
  2. Jmiller85

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    I can relate, I appear very straight myself. Nobody would ever know that I have a friends with benefits. I guess it helps he is my roommate. Although I love gay sex it not something I share. If you ever want to talk pm me! :slight_smile:
     
  3. greenthumb95

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    Thanks, I am actually just looking for advice on my situation and how to proceed further.
     
  4. Nickw

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    Hi Greenthumb95

    First off. It is good you are in therapy. I hope the therapist is LGBT friendly. You really need to understand your sexuality. If you are gay or bisexual and what your true intimacy needs are.

    At this point you have told enough people that you really need to sit down and have a serious talk with your wife. If you are trying to get pregnant, you should be sure you have your sexuality issues out in the open with your wife. These urges do not go away and will get stronger later. It is pretty common for guys to suppress them to have a family only to have a crisis at mid life.

    I just came out to my wife a couple weeks ago as a bisexual and she is very accepting. You never know. Check out the later in life forum.
     
  5. greenthumb95

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    We actually have talked twice. However, it has been at least a year since we have discussed the subject. We talked about it after she had found out from a mutual friend and it was rather intense. I just wonder if she really, truly knows or just brushed it off. She hasnt brought it up since.
     
  6. Nickw

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    Your talk needs to be about everything. She does not need partial information or guessing. You should talk about how your sexuality affects your marriage and what your needs are.
     
  7. greenthumb95

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    Yea, i totally agree with you. It is weird because I go a week or so without thinking about sex with guys, then I cant stop thinking about it. It is rather odd. I love women, always have and always will. I go to therapy every couple weeks. I want to talk to my wife again, but I get such incredibly intense anxiety in regard to this topic with her. This sounds dumb, but on facebook, I will "like" anything LGBT related in hopes she sees it and brings it up. The couple times we have talked, it was awkward.
     
  8. Nickw

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    Develop a script for the conversation. It is not so much a discussion as it is a declaration on your part. When I told my wife a couple weeks ago, I asked her to let me finish my "story" and listen to all of it before she asked any questions. I also told her she didn't need to say anything right away. I understood I had years to understand and she needed to catch up.

    It went very well. My wife completely accepts my sexuality and I have never felt better being so honest with her. Our relationship is better than it maybe ever was. You may want to check out the later in life forum (I may have suggested this earlier) to read guys in similar situations.