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Need ---ADVICE!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by subsmd, Mar 4, 2009.

  1. subsmd

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    I am a straight guy, I am 29 yrs old. I have a brother who is 36yrs old, who just a couple of hours ago he told me he was gay. My brother is a sensitive guy, I love him to death. I have told him nothing is going change between us.
    He is scared to tell my mom and dad and the rest of the family. He is scared he didnt want to tell me he was gay. I asked him if he was gay and he said your not going to hate me? I said no, hell you are my brother, I love you regardless.
    I need advice for him, he wants to be straight, I told him be true to yourself. He cried and said he dont want to make mom and dad upset. Keep in mind my brother is the favorite, I told him mom and dad will love you and quit being retarded. So far I am the only one who knows he is gay other than his lovers. He has kept it from us all this time. I can see why he is scared of rejection. He said he would rather die than hurt mom and die. I am being supportive and told him dont do anything stupid.

    To sum it up I need advice!
    How to get him to come out?
     
  2. Bryan44

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    Hello, welcome to EC!

    It is good that your brother told you. That means that he trust you. You are doing a good job of supporting him. He really needs that right now, make sure you do all you can to let him know that you still love him and nothing is going to change that.

    As for getting him to come out, I dont think there is much that YOU can do. Do not pressure him or anything. It is really tough on him right now. Just continue to reassure him that your family will still love him either way. He will come out to the rest of your family when he is ready. He must be comfortable, and accept himself first though.

    You did a good job by telling him to be who he is. He is so lucky to have a brother like you. It is so awesome that you care about him so much.

    Just be there for him, be a shoulder for him to lean on, a friend to confide in. It sounds like he could really use a support system right now.
     
  3. Techcompu2

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    I would suggest looking into the movie "Prayers for Bobby". If it is airing anytime soon on tv, try recording it and having your brother watch it. Otherwise, it is available on iTunes for download.

    keep us updated!
     
  4. biisme

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    Well, first off, don't make him. You can encourage him to, you can support him, and you can help him decide who he's ready to tell, but don't force him. One of the worse feelings is that you've been outed. Or being forced to out yourself.

    Is there any reason that your mom and dad would act badly?

    Be sure to tell him that him dying would be far worse than any news he could tell them. That your parents would grieve so much more if he were to disappear. Before you leave him please try and make sure that he won't do anything to himself.

    If he just isn;t sure how your parents will react, help him find a way to bring up homosexuality in general, and se how they react. You can use gay marriage, or gay adoption, or start talking about a friend who's gay. If they have a good reaction then he mght not fear coming out as much. If they don't have a good reaction, ask them why, and then when he comes out he will already know what they have a problem with and he will already know what to address.

    Also, tell him that he can always come here for advice.

    Welcome to EC. You obviously care a lot about your brother.
     
  5. subsmd

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    That is it, I dont think he comfortable with him self being gay. It did come as a major shock to me. He is scared he dont know how my other brother will react. He wants to be part of my niece's life and is scared that my other brother wont accept him. I have a son and i dont have no problem my son hanging around my brother. It dont effect me, cause hell its my brother. You know
     
  6. biisme

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    ^^ Just to ask, instead of your parents, do you have any idea how your older brother will react? Is there a reason or something to suggest he will react badly?
     
  7. Techcompu2

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    it is his older brother that told him he was gay...


    EDIT: did not notice subsmd's other last post
     
    #7 Techcompu2, Mar 4, 2009
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2009
  8. subsmd

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    We are a close family. We have homosexuals in our family, aka first cousins. My brother is just sensitive, when we were growing up we were always careful not to hurt his feelings. He is my older brother, I am the baby of the family. He just dont want to hurt my mom, plus my mom and dad are not in the best health. And I think he feels this news would distroy them. I think my mom would be ok with it. My dad would accept him. He just dont want to be an outcast, I remember having a conversation with my middle brother about my older brother being gay a couple of years ago. And he said he would still love him too. The thing is me and my middle brother were macho i guess is the word like the man's man when we growing up. I guess thats why he is so scared.
     
  9. EM68

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    First of all welcome to EC.

    The best thing you can do for him is be there for him. Coming out is not a race and he should come out to people including your mom and dad at his own pace. The main thing for him is to work on himself and be comfortable in himself being gay. There is no reason for him to be scared it is a part of him. You may suggest to him to join EC. He can hang out here, ask questions and meet some cool people.
     
  10. subsmd

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    Just got off the phone with him and he almost made me cry cause he is distraught
     
  11. Bryan44

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    Distraught? What did he say?
     
  12. subsmd

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    I appreciate all the advice you guys gave me. I told him everything is going to be alright. I told him i love him and come out when you feel comfortable. I will give daily updates on his progress. Thanks again guys
     
  13. Alex19

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    i agree completely with what everyone else said. just be there for him and tell him its ok for him to be gay. after he begins to accept himself more, than he'll come out to ppl at his own pace. also, like evryone else suggested, ask him to join EC for some help from ppl who are going/went through the same things he is. and tell him hes not alone.

    and use lots of love! its crucial! (but im sure u got that covered so, good job!)
     
  14. kayar

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    Hey, you're some brilliant brother! You have my total respect. The fact that as a straight guy you've come on here to learn how you can help your brother is amazing.

    Yes, as has been said, it will not help him if he is made to feel that he is now under 'pressure' to come out to your parents. He will, however, need as much support as you are able to give him (I realise you have your own young family and the committments that brings).

    Does he already know of or use the Empty Closets web-site? Just about all of us here have been overwhelmed by the mutual understanding and caring we have received here. We previously had no idea that there were so many people who are experiencing the very same feelings and emotions as us, until we joined EC. It has been an immense relief to each of us to have found that we are very much not alone in our respective circumstances. I would hope that your brother would also find EC to be a place where he could in time 'put all the pieces of the puzzle together'. So many of us have found EC to have been 'our saviour'.

    I hope your brother is able to continue to move forward with this. He's so lucky to have you on his team! Please give him all our best wishes from the community here at EC.
     
  15. biisme

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    Have you told him about the conversation that you and your other brother had? It might ease his mind to know that his other brother has already thought of it, and decided that he would be okay with it.
     
  16. subsmd

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    He is distraught because he is so worried about hurting our mom. My older brother was born sick, he almost died as a baby and I guess thats why my mom favors him. I am not jealous cause me and my middle brother we strong growing up. He just dont want to disappoint her i guess
     
  17. biisme

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    Is it possible that your mom already suspects? Or to steer her into a conversation where she would say she wouldn't care? From your first post I gathered that she'd be okay with it...
     
  18. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    I second the suggest made above. Whereas it's fantastic that you're sticking by your brother, he might benefit more from folks who have "been there, donet that".Tell him you found a website that might help him out. We're all gay (and gay-friendly) folks here. We all went through what your brother went through, to varying degrees.

    We all had to do this at our own pace. It probably took months (years, actually) for your brother to work up the nerve to tell you. So don't be surprised if this doesn't happen tomorrow, or next week. He may need to work on his confidence some more.

    Do suggest he swing by here. We're ready to help. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  19. Alex19

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    after what u just said, im sure your bro has little to nothing to worry about. but his worry is understandable. im sure your parents will love him no less.
     
  20. subsmd

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    I never been homophobic, I believe people are born gay / straight, No one chooses to be an outcast by society standards. He is my brother and I love him. I already told my older brother that my middle brother would accept him. I am just trying to ease his mind, and ressure him that we are still a family and nothing will change. He hasnt changed, he is still the person we have always known. The only thing that changed is what people know about him. I told him that, he felt a lil better