I've started to 'realise' that I'm gay. In the sense that I've always been attracted to men. Ever since I can remember. I've also had major crushes on girls - but sadly, I've had no experience with them. Over the last few years of high school, I was starting to come to terms with it. I'd check guys out - I got my first crush on a male, yet, I still denied my thoughts, not only telling myself I wasn't - but just not thinking about it at all, ignorance is bliss, eh? I just couldn't rule out the possibility of a female relationship, because I've always seen myself marrying a woman. And even though I keep saying I hate kids, [which I do... >.<], I want to have my own someday. WITH a woman... In the last two years, though, the subject's almost started to engulf me sometimes... It's odd, because - I do not feel the need to go out and seek other young gay men, in the sense of companionship. But because - a) I've had SO many close encounters with two of my family members [the third being completely oblivious - thus, discounted] b) I seem to have an immense urge to just come out to my close friends... To the people that matter to me. I fear some of them would't talk to me again. I think *some* would still talk to me - but might be miffed I didn't come out sooner... And then, there's the issue of the two people I used to think as my pillars. They held me up - they kept me sane. +My grandmother - who was the first immediate family adult to actually listen to me, to have an actual stimulative conversation - be it, even, about my fights with my parents/their attitudes, etc. She's very open-minded for somebody her own age - and she's usually easy to talk to, but, she still manages to be antiquated, for example, when she's tackled with the subject of homosexuality. +My sister - she kept me sane, as we slowly found out we BOTH felt exactly the same way about each other, and the way our parents treat us, and whatnot. She used to be the only person I could talk to, 'more or less', openly in this house. Then come my encounters. With sis: She's seen evidence at least THRICE, and yet - the last time - just shrugged it off, and never brought it up. I mean... She sometimes says she 'has nothing against gay people' and how she 'has great friends who are gay', me, her brother. Her own FLESH and blood... she still occasionally snaps at me, 'fag', or the variation in our language, and 'You're SO gay', amongst things. I mean... I shouldn't be really.. stirred up over these things but - it hurts me because, I want to trust her more than anything, I love her so much, and yet, she says them truly, in spur-of-the-moment be-hurtful kinda ways... With Gran: Once, I called her to the bathroom, angered at something sis did. I forgot a little zip-lock bag I had images in, on the basin. I think she saw it and, for a few moments, glared, in an odd way. The subject was never pursued. She also once walked in on me masturbating while watching the FINA World Cup [swimming]. I don't think I've ever been that embarassed... I can't think of any ways... While Gran might not have such a clear idea, I'm positive Sis should be aware of my 'other self' by now, unless she's MORE than 'short-sighted'... As I think: "Only a blind person would've missed what she's seen/experienced." ----- Then come my friends. I have *faith* that my two best friends would be 'ok', even though, my male best friend might have a little trouble with the idea. The female best friend probably wouldn't care and/or might be quite supportive. My other friends... That's a different matter. I have two that have made, on occasion, more than obvious, their utter dislike for gays. I have little hope that they would be understanding, and hey! My calculations aren't usually too off. However, on the other hand, considering my usual LUCK, [overriding calculations], I could be ironically wrong, in which ppl'z reactions might be reversed. Eg. non-hopefuls being nice, etc. I just don't know. I have yet to have a proper relationship with a girl, because I've always feared rejection - thus avoided asking them. On the other hand, the one sexual encounter I've had with a female, gave me a 'ho' so... impossibly hard, that it hurt. I was hard in SECONDS... Thus, I still dont' know if I'm 'compatible' with girls yet. I keep hoping... for the sake of my sanity... [I clearly have issues with being fully gay, if you haven't realised by now...] I'm with male friends and they comment on girls. And I can I'm not attracted to 'that' one, but 'that' one looks hot. And I feel as though I'm not lying to myself. Not the way I'd tell myself I wasn't gay. I mean: We're walking around, and a couple is spotted. They comment on the girl. I comment on her too. AND at the same time, I'll either think - he could've done better. Or, she could've done better. Or even... They're both hot - perfect... It's odd... Because of my *brief* experience with females, I wonder if I'm compatible at all. Then again, regardless of time-frame, my experience with males has technically been the same. 1 person... Can I truly form a clear view from that?? My parents? Mum would just about DIE of sorrow... I mean, the woman hyperventilates when faced with simple rain [just drizzling], let alone finding out her boy likes boys... Dad? He'd probably go into a rage. Tell me to get out [throw me out of home]. Disown me at the worst... My family. It would actually hurt to tell some of them. My Godfather, especially, cos... Even though there's been rough times, and there's still tension in the family, I've always loved him/looked up to him, and it would sadden me if he couldn't accept me... [not that I'm much remembered now, so maybe, I shouldn't get emotional about it just yet...] Faced with all these different dilemas, the main one being I want to get out of home before I tell my parents, [thus removing their main weapon, which would render me probably-near broke]. The emotional backlash alone would cripple me, but... I know I can't stay this way forever... At night, I even wonder if I'll be 'alone' forever... I want someone to love. Be it man or woman... But... I'm also terrified of the prospect of fully coming out... I just don't know IF I'm ready it. Sometimes, I 'know'. I'm going to do it. Tell my best friends. Then... I 'forget' about it. And grow highly anxious again... Sometimes? I really *do* think I'm gonna lose my mind. My head feels like it's splitting apart. **rubs temples** And now, it truly feels like it's splitting, cos I'm lacking sleep... G'night... PS: Sorry about the "bestseller"... I ramble. I talk too much. Forgive me... I sorta needed to write it... >.<
Hey and welcome to the boards! Don't hafta apologize for writing too much. Afterall, thats what this forum is for is it not? We all have our own problems we want to talk about, and to tell you the truth, you are not alone. Many of us have gone through, or are going through similar stages as you are. In fact, I am planning on coming out to a few people within the next 2 weeks, before I go out of town for a month. Hopefully it all works out. Anyways, if you haven't already, read Seth's "Coming Out - What to expect guide", there's a lot of helpful information.
Funny enuf, you sound A LOT like me, except ive been out with nine girls and gotten not even to kissing, so kinda shows something. But this is a great place to express ur feelings. But if you wanna chat, just take a look at my profile. But seriously my one word of advice, just let it out, if you have friends, even just one that will stick by you. It will help, friends are so important, and can help you through the most difficult times, thats what im counting on when I come out sometime this month....but yup good luck.
Mourning, Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. No need to apologize for rambling or talking too much; most of us can totally relate to what you were discussing, and it helps us to know that someone else out there is going through similar struggles. I agree with BiTeen wholeheartedly: a good friend who will stand by you no matter what is a truly beautiful thing that can help a lot in the coming out process. It sounds to me like you're still pretty uncertain about your sexuality, though you're not sure if that uncertainty is genuine or if it's a product of denial or distaste toward being gay. You might, then, consider holding off on the coming-out party and instead find a few loved ones - the ones with whom you feel most comfortable discussing this - and share with them the same ideas you shared with us: that you've had same-sex attractions/experience; that you think you might be gay, but that ultimately you're not sure yet; that you've been thinking about all this so much that you really needed to just say it to someone who knows you and cares about you. Good luck! The forum's always here if you need to let loose again.
Everyone... :redface: :redface: I knew this was a community, and if my experience in the one I've been a member for a few years should've shown me was: PPL are usually really nice, and stick together like friends. Be as it may, I wasn't prepared for such warmth... Thank you... As only you guys probably know - it's... beyond words to be able to say all this, without taking a breath, to simply let my fingers fly over the keys, and 'say' what I've always wanted to get out.... Thank you... =====Another Bestseller===== I always felt solitary. It was all in my head. Seriously, I believe the ONLY thing that kept me sane was, my imagination, and my friends. I seemed to find good friends, wherever I went. Late adolescence, it was different - I was uprooted, from Portugal, and 'shoved on a great wild hellhole, I used to call my country'. I loathed this place for a while... It's impossibly hot temperatures. The kids [racist sacks of **** they were... So much for a 'loving and caring CATHOLIC environment provided in a private school...' -_- :bang: As Mmaker said: my "distaste for being gay", which was an understatement, when I grew old enough to know the word, and to fathom what it meant. The first time I became aware of a gay person near me. [sight, not acquainted] Was in late high school. He was just a little feminine in his pose, and more so in his speech. I disliked him on sight. He then assimilated into my sister's group, so I started to see him a lot. Anyway, one day, I was fixing my uniform up, behind a wall, [shirt prob, thus, I loosened my pants. A lot >.<], he happened to backstep into view. When he saw me, he started teasing lightly, not mean at all, just laughing, and poking fun... I looked at him with what I can only faintly recall would've been fury/exasperation. I fixed myself up, and tore out of there back to my friend's seating area. Later, I told sis "...keep your little friend away from me. I'm not amused by his jokes..." I'm positive she spoke to him, and possibly protectively. As afterwards, about three times or so, I'd be walking with friends, or just walking to different classes, and when our eyes met briefly, this look crossed his face. Later I realized what it was, and my guild racked me apart. It was sadness. A pure sadness that I'd rejected him, not for who he was, but for what. You'd think yours truly, after years of living under a father like 'that', and knowing how he felt about gay ppl, [intensified if ever turned into his son] I'd have been compassionate... I'd have understood. No... I was still 16, mature for my age, but still immature in that sense. What threatened to engulf me more, as I realized later, what those encounters meant, was that I had emulated the very person and attitude that I had both feared and hated all my life. I reacted almost... Homophobic. I really disliked the very idea of gay ppl. Seeing the Mardi Gra on tv years earlier didn't help... The sight... Repulsed me... The way they acted. It was a mental lashing I was completely unprepared for at that age - even though, what I'd see of heterosexual television in my youth was worse, and it never really 'scarred me' [playboy]. Later, sis had a friend in TAFE who was openly gay, [as opposed to the high school one that, although didn't shy, he also didn't say anything, but sis said "He's gay, but he hasn't admitted it yet..." she said in an oddly knowing way], but I simply took the information and regarded it indifferently. Now, at work - there's a guy who's open, and doesn't care who knows/what they think. He's also the very type of gay person I actually hated in truth - the 'female-in-a-man' gay. Very feminine, speaking, moving... Basically, him. Yet, now, after starting to realize it, I was friendly with him. I was careful not to say anything that could come through as insulting/hurtful. And he's really nice, but - I think, cos of the way he *usually* reacts, if I joke around him - he might have sensed my 'walking-on-eggshells' vibe. ===================== I realize the wisdom in your advice, Motionmaker, I feel as though I need someone close to me that I can confide in, thus I'm mixing yours with BT16's. I already have a GREAT friend online, whom I exchange... Large [, gee...] emails with. But, it's not the same. For one he's not in person, two, he's overseas. A different culture... I need someone, just ONE person, that I truly know - to be my outlet. Gran, I can't tell... I trust her so much, yet, 1. she's been through so much over the last, well, almost the last decade, [Grandad dying, stuff with the family, my godmother's cancer], I can't bring myself to add another burden on her conscience. Plus, she might take the subject a bit roughly, but, I'm almost certain she'd come to accept me with time. Problem is, Gran and I share the same anger: Calm as can be. But, if enough is said, and i'm a firm believer in what's right/wrong... Well..unlike my 'Godly-patience', Gran explodes, if someone keeps pushing that button, [like dad], by repeating the same idea. Thus, I'm too scared she'd get in another argument with my parents, over sis's and mine rights, and let it slip... [see a pattern?] I considered telling sis, but, for all the little vocal-jabs she's given me, regardless of her 'I don't have a problem with gays' ethic, I can't bring myself to tell her. I trust her, yet... I don't trust ANYONE that much. And literally - NOone... I closed myself, I locked up, and I kept only one key... And I refuse to share a copy with anyone. It's an absolute fear which threatened to engulf me, even though - sis probably knows. [evidence in first post]. I settled on my female best friend. My male one... For that reason, he might be a bit touchy,[how ironic that he's the androginous one, and his seemingly masculine friend is the gay one], on the subject. Her on the other hand - she's female, and she's pretty accepting, and I trust her so much. She and I never separated, even when everyone in the 'original group' assimilated into other groups and/or left. We stuck through thick and thin, and literally, I can say, we grew up. She opened up, when she used to be quiet and reserved. We shared stuff, I started taking her out - because her parents didn't like her going out alone. There's only *one* possibility. She might tell her boyfriend, [1yr our junior, in both age and 'group status'], and then it'd get out. But, I'm going to test her. I wouldn't *really* have a problem with him, except, of his connections to 'outsiders'. I'm going to see if she can keep a secret. But I really want to tell her. It would be a Godsend. She and I constantly talk online/phone. It's someone I can reach fairly easily, and I hold with the highest regard among good friends. Literally, it would bring SO much closure as I figure out myself *completely*, to be able to chat freely with her. To walk down the street and go, 'look at that cutie', or 'nice butt', and not mortally-fear of saying it outloud... To watch AND second-guess my words for any 'alternate' meaning, [even though, in this day and age, ppl find it anyway] To not burn to say those words above... It would be like poking a small hole in a baloon of my frustration/feelings, and let it slooowly pour out to a point of little, to no pressure. A relief. In a world I despise for not simply ACCEPTING 'our' own as humans... [Grr, I had typed something just as long winded/if not longer, and the computers at the place froze up, and I lost it all. I'm typing this at home from memory, so... I might've lost something I wanted to communicate, and didn't include. All that I did recall, plus more thoughs, are here [after an additional edit XD]. Sometimes I hate pc's. Specially in my 'frail' moments...]
Hey MourningSpirit Sounds to me that you are doing the right thing in taking carefull steps in coming out. But before you do so just take your time and experience life and get to know your sexuality before saying anything to anyone. Experience both sides and you will come to know you better. Remember you are not obligated to reveal your private self to anyone. If and when you decide to come out you may feel the need to specifically choose whom you want to know. As you realize not everyone will like you being gay. So custom tailor your outing to fit your personal situation and ceratinly don't let anyone pressure you into coming out at all. This is solely your choice and you make the calls! Good Luck to you and take your time.
Thanks again, guys. Ok. See - yeah, I see the utter, and complete logic in not 'having' to tell anyone. But... I get so... Overwhelmed. Typing it to someone is one thing... To be able to say it out loud, [much like crying], would be the most cathartic thing I can think of right now... Thus - I also only wanted to tell her. Nobody else. I'm seeing her on Thursday, [two nights away, now being 8:24pm of Monday], and I might get an urge to tell her.... What's your sound advice on that? Should I calm myself down and wait? (I'm known to make rash decisions) ========= PS: BT, that'd be nice. That would be really nice. [I prefer talking on msn than forums, y'know? it's so... 'real' ]
I can definitely relate to the urgency with which you seem to want to approach this situation. When I came out, I went through this "honesty crusade" period during which I told everyone - EVERYONE - that I'm gay. Even if I didn't feel comfortable with the person I was talking to, if the subject of marriage or girlfriends or anything remotely related to my being gay came up, I came out. And I definitely regret some moments during that "honesty crusade." Don't get me wrong; being honest and forthright and letting go of secrets that are killing you - those are great things. But acting too impulsively is not a great thing. And so I completely agree with NightRaider: take your time. You shouldn't have to feel rushed into doing anything. If this is a good friend of yours with whom you have ample contact, I feel like there's no need to rush. Then again, you know yourself, your needs, your situation. Do what feels right to you. Good luck!
I think I will wait. I feel foolish for being so impulsive. And... weirdly... Simply admitting to myself that, 'Hey, you like men. You're gay. Deal with it!'... seems to have lifted something off my back. I still need to work on the other ton, but, I'm doing good! ========== Ok. I'm not religious. Never really was - regardless of the bombardment of Religion at school. Yet... I swear... This is like.. Divine Punishment/Warning. I'm getting all excited - I'm gonna come out to my best friend. Then, at night, after dinner, I feel sick. I go to bed around 12, and get woken up by pain in stomach at 3am... Felt like HELL... Like a snake inside my stomach.. [I said stomach!!] I have some of my usual black tea. Go back to bed. Get woken up at 5 again. Sleep. 6am. Rough sleep/odd dreams. 7-ish, now comes with fever! Sleep. Odder... [**grin**] Nicer dreams. Woken up feeling really distressed and humid - classic fever scenario. Called in sick. No WAY was I going to deal with 9 hours of customers. Hell no... Here I am. My head's still pounding. [I now believe there's three things I hate in life. 1. The Flu (for the fevered sleep it induces) 2. Broken Sleep 3. Biggots] I'm starting to wonder if this wasn't a sign. To SHUT the hell up! U.U **stomach lurch** I wish I could just throw up. Maybe I'd be better by nightfall....
If it's a sign of anything, it's that you're really worked up about your sexuality, which is completely understandable. I think if you feel like you want to tell someone, you should, as long as you're careful about it. I went through the aforementioned "honesty phase" but unlike Motionmaker I don't regret anything I said or did. I would definitely do it differently if I were doing it today, when I'm a lot less militant about my sexuality, but we are what we are when we are and there's no point twisting yourself up inside because of what you did in the past because that doesn't really help the present or the future. So yeah, maybe you reacted homophobically to your sister's friend when you were 16 and maybe that was mean and/or bad, but it's done. The best thing to do is to learn from that experience, as you seem to have. Well, and of course in certain circumstances it's good to apologise if you have the opportunity. You write really well and you have some really good insights about people, by the way. I wouldn't bother apologising for writing a lot; I know it seems to freak some people out if you write more than a line or two but I figure they're Internet wimps who can only handle IM with their 8-second attention spans. *grin* I find it really refreshing to read a proper and lengthy post and/or message. In closing, I just wanted to point out that a lot of times, people who we think are really anti-gay are just anti-gay by default; that is, they sound a lot less understanding than they might be if they were confronted with someone they're close to who is gay. That doesn't mean everyone will react positively but I think it's worth pointing out that not everyone will necessarily react as negatively as you may fear. Take care and keep us posted!
Thank you.:redface: :redface: Well... All those 'strengths' quizzes in high school *did* tell me my second strongpoint was 'literacy'. But everyone I know, well... Most of them anyway. They hate the fact that I often *talk* how I write. I branch off. And usually, we get to the end of a branch, and then we backtrack, and start at the original concept for the next branch. But a lot of ppl hate that - thus I felt the need to appologise. Well.... Sad as it may be... **cringes to the admittance** In the last few months, my hair started to REALLY thin out, and... there's no denying it anymore. I'm going bald early... **curses genes** Now, a friend got me thinking: It could be stress related but... Do ppl really lose their hair over stress?? I'm telling myself it *isn't* because - it's in my genes. And apparently, my uncle went bald early too. But, hell - I don't think even HE started going bald before 20! **weep** I think I'm going to see a clinic. [hey, nothing to lose - they say it's a 98% chance. I just hope I'm not the 2%...] In respect to the 'main issue' at hand. I've fully decided. I will tell my best friend. But after reading a lot of stories, and ppl's advice towards them, I concluded. I don't think I should do it before her birthday. It's still 2 weeks away. I don't know. Do you think it's 'too late' before her birthday party? [sat 30th], or should I tell her now, well before it? >.<
Okay, I may be the wrong person to be giving advice right now, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Thus far in my coming out process, I have told my 7 best friends, and they've all been wonderful about it... in fact, all of the straight guys have offered to escort me to gay clubs. I also have a set of parents who I'm not technically out to yet, but for some reason I came home tonight, and there were HRC pamphlets scattered oh so thoughtfully across the kitchen counter, with a letter thanking my mom for joining the HRC (Human Rights Campaign... they support GLBT stuff). That being said, I told my best girl friend today, and she was a little shocked (bad idea telling someone your gay while they're behind the wheel of a car by the way... for anyone of you out there, I'm really lucky not to be decapitated in a ditch on the side of the Van Wyck right now). She yelled at me for 15 minutes that I should have come out to her earlier and she was pissed at me for not doing so. Obviously she was joking... but you know how girls are. I feel like I would have been even closer with her if I had come out earlier. As for the sickness and hair loss... they could 100% both be from the stress your going through. For the past 2 weeks, ever since I came to the conclusion I was coming out, I have had a perpetual sack of coal sitting somewhere around my heart, inside my chest, just weighing me down every where I went. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't sleep (though I can't sleep very well anyway, I think I have insomnia), I was having trouble breathing, getting dizzy.... basically, I was having anxiety attacks for 2 weeks straight. Since I told my friend Jason two days ago, which was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, for the most part, I have been able to breath easy. I actually cried myself to sleep the night I told him because I was so happy. Now, I'm starting to have fun with coming out, I've been figuring out fun ways to say it, and jokes I can make, either leading up to it, or after I say it. So far in my experience, everything has gone great. However, I do understand that this is not everyone's experience, you only have to look at some other posts to see that . The advice I'd give you, is be ready for the consequences. Don't go into it believing it will go terribly, but be aware that it could. Best case scenario, she still loves you, and you end up trailing her around with you to all of the hottest gay spots. Unfortunately, some other stuff can happen. People could find out, word could spread. Not saying that will happen, but understand, it's probably better to know that it could. Either way, she sounds like she'll take the news glowingly, and be your rock.
Damn, Jon... :redface: "I want some o' those straight guys!" XD I live in a country where... What am I saying? I don't *TRULY* know what the US is like, any better than any other country. But this country, [as I might've said before], is VERY big on the 'guys = NO emotions' thing... [SIDE Thought] Then again, it also blew me away how there were ZERO comments on the TWO times I broke down, and cried, and this was year 12!!! Compare that to the amount of 'rumours' circulating my year level, that I was gay, just cos, in Biology, a guy, [i hated], started making kissing motions, and flirty-gestures from the next row. ONLY when *EVERYONE* turned in their seats, did I blush. As in - I have NEVER blushed to anyone. But I *do* have a thing about being the center of attention, at least in 'embarassing' matters. THUS, it was *perfectly* natural, [I guess?], that at that *precise* moment, when everyone's eyes were on me - I went BRIGHT RED... (apparently, a very BIG blush, and I *did* feel my cheecks/face burning) [/SIDE Thought] Thus, I can sorta *estimate* how bad someone will react. But, I *have* realised over the last few years, from experiences with my own parents that, ppl surprise you when you *least* expect it. Thus, the ones I *think* will take it well, could very well be the ones that go ballistic on me... I *do* have an unusual confidence in her. So, yeah. I'll tell her... And on sleep and ill-feeling... OMG... before that - on the weeks before finding the forums, and just thinking about coming out to someone... I'd started to sleep restlessly, and even have odd migraines at work [though they seem to be from chocolate, an ODD, and completely 'never-encountered-before' reaction... But pretty much self-confirmed (tested)] Thanks again, ppl... Having many ppl give you advice, and reflecting on it all, has calmed me down this last month... Thank you... >.<
That's funny... I'm quite proud that I write like I talk. And supposedly I'm good at communicating an actual personality in what I write; lots of what a lot of people say is so... flat in text. I would have said that gradually losing your hair over stress seems a little unlikely but then, what do I know about hair loss? Not much, quite happily, although I understand how distressing it can be if it happens when you're younger. My friend started going bald when he was... probably 20, if that, and I think it had a significant impact on his self-esteem, which totally sucks because he's an amazing guy. The genetic form of baldness is sex-linked, which is to say we get it from our mum's X chromosome, so you really have to look at your mother's side of the family, the guy's (uncles, grandfathers, etc) to get an idea if it's a hereditary kind. If your dad or dad's brothers are balding, that's not any indication of whether you will. And even if the guys on your mum's side of the family are, that's not a guarantee you will... just an indication you might. That's because your mum has two possible X chromosomes that you might end up with and it's rare for women to have the baldness gene on both. Or that's my relatively basic understanding of the genetics of it, anyway. What would be your reason for waiting? Is telling her somehow going to ruin her birthday? I would suspect it wouldn't have any impact on it but maybe I'm being overly idealistic.
Oh yeah... as for other physical effects of being stressed over coming out, I think I lost like 15 to 20 pounds just from stress the summer I came out, and mine was pretty amazingly good overall. It was just nerve-wracking to me... I'm kinda high-strung, in case you hadn't figured. So maybe I spoke too soon about the balding thing, although I still think that's a pretty extreme reaction. I think it helps to remember to breathe. Seriously. Deep breaths. They're awesome. You just have to listen to cheesy Backstreet Boys music really loud and reach a kind of "nothing zone," which is remarkably easy if you're listening to the BSB.
Well. It's been two weeks now. And I've had two treatments. My existing scalp condition went away [seemingly... **wonders about yesterday's slight itching**] as soon as I used the antiseptic washes, which was great, cos lately, the itching started to drive me nuts. I just hope all this works out. It's only been about a week, and I'm already buggered about all this routine crap... Massage for 2 mins. Rinse. Wash, massage for 1 min. Rinse. Lather, wait for 5 mins. Rinse... Then comes the tablets in the morning, which I've forgotten ONCE already. And, I don't wanna think about when *I* have to start applying the formula myself, and taking extra herbal stuff... **sigh** They shit you not, when they say "Beauty comes at a price", [regarding to the fact that I'd be even uglier bald, and I'm NOT exaggerating] But they're all assuring me that - since I'm so young and are at the earliest stages - I should/will get it all back. Cross yer fingers X) On my friend. Well - it's partly, yes, it'd be a kind of shock. And [assuming the worst], it could impact her a bit, and I just don't want to even *slightly* change the festive moods. We're all looking forward to the lunch. See, I live at least 25'ish/possibly a bit more, from my nearest friend. With her, I'm about 30/more. It's kinda hard to see her on impulse. I gotta find a day when I'm not working - just so I can drive down to her place and/or catch a bus to the city. Thus, I'm hoping to meet her the following week. If I can't do an 'outing' thing, I'll go to her place. But, I'll need privacy. I don't want her parents and/or little sis hearing anything. Hey. A random question... >.< And there's the reason *why* I download. PC = evidence which parents will/would never be able to access. [anti-tech ppl] Once, me, bgirlfriend[her] and our friend,[her b/f], went into the adult shop near her place. What I saw... I was pretty shocked. I mean. To walk into a store, and all those pictures, right at ya. {and GAWD, the gay section was about 2/3, if not JUSt as large as the 'conventional'.....} Her boyfriend made jokes about me feigning embarassment/shock. But, I really was. I think, I'd have to visit one by myself, if I was ever to find confidence. But to go in there with friends? That was really... unnerving... And we completely passed, due to me, from going into 'leather obsession' next door. I swear... I'd have fainted, if I went into another one... But - yeah... I mean. Mum, grandma, not to mention 3v0l sister go through my room all the time. There's like, NO space to hide something, when almost everything's constantly re-arranged, [often, without my prior consent...-_-] How the heck do you stash away porn... I'd like to have something for when I'm in my room. Hard pc-chair wrecks my back, to the point of persisten-pain for days...
Wow! There's a lot in there... Your feelings about realizing, and then being homophobic towards the first gay guy you met may be common (or not?). However, it was exactly how it was for me. For me, everything changed when I changed schools last year and everything became better for me. You said you had problems with being the centre of attention, well so do I. I have self-diagnosed social anxiety disorder. But, I think I'm starting to get over it at my new school... Anyways, I met a guy who was supposedly and acted homophobic towards him. Then, I felt really bad for doing that and tried to be nice to him. Soon, I realized hewas the most interesting guy I've ever met pretty much. We've become good friends. Finally, one day he said 'come to my house, I have to tell you something.' And I geared up for it... strangely, I was worrying MORE about if I should feign surprise/tell him I'm gay too/act nonchalant/start asking question/I didn't konw what to do. Basically, I got to his house and there was uncomfortable silence for quite a while. Then, we changed rooms (3 or 4 times, lol) because his little sister was in the house. At last, when she was indisposed (showering upstairs), he told me.... that he's straight. He told me he knows about how the whole school says he's gay and he doesn't know why and it hurts him. He's a very liberal, open-minded person but everyone calling him gay hurt him a lot (especially when he's not). He does, basically, have 'gay' and 'effeminate' mannerisms and such. His voice is kind of soft. I was kind of shocked... I said nothing but I hope my face didn't reveal anything. Sadly, as he got talking more and more, he started to get angry and saying he hated gay people because they're abnormal and he wishes they didn't exist (and such things). Basically, if gay people didn't exist they couldn't call him gay, could they... Okay, I've gone off on a tangent that made no sense... so I'll stop. I was GOING to create a thread adn talk about this friend... Basically, about feeling alone and such, don't worry. I'm getting over it! I originally had just wanted to say how similar our experiences seem to have been... (I'm even 'supposedly' Catholic, lol!). Right now, I can't consider myself to be in any stage. I think that I totally accept myself as being gay. I want to next year come out to the aforementioned friend ('cause he's great). Also, my brother closest in age is incredibly open-minded and has even talked at length about homosexuality as not a choice and more. So, we've always been the closest and he probably is my best friend. So, I've thought about coming out to him... but then I was wondering if coming out to him means the rest of the family HAS to know. Or, can asking him to keep a secret be okay or too hard?? Okay, sorry Mourning!!! Keep posting here and that'll help you! If you ever need to talk to someone you can email me or add me to MSN or whatever. Good luck!
Hehe... I'm the *KING* of tangents.. XD (at least in real life - when I just talk and talk, like I've got electricityVSengergizer... XD) I appreciate everyone talking to me. >.< This is the first place where there's *more* than one person, and I'm talking freely about this stuff. It's definitely an outlet for me. Thank you.
Gawd... I wish *I*'d lose weight from stress. Then again. The way I *deal* with it, and how often I've had it in the last 2 years... I'd be freaking anorexic! (or dead...) As for the hair thing. >.< Well. I'm now getting *treated* for it. So... >.< **crosses fingers** I hope this works. It *BETTER* work... It's put me in debt for the first time. Good... GOD... Do not UTTER that name... I hate them. I banish them to the dark pits... [Only two songs I like from boybands: A1 - Take On Me {just cos the original's kinda wonky...} N*Sync - It's Gonna Be Me And only cos, I can actually sing to these. >.< I like to sing.(!) ] ================================== Ok. Here it goes: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?p=2739#post2739 :frown:
