...sexuality-wise, I guess. I don't feel comfortable talking to my therapist about this yet. I go to 'Christian counseling,' after all (blech). I'd really appreciate any advice/comfort. So...I'm a girl. But I really wouldn't mind being a boy. I've had a boy haircut for a few years and dress very gender-neutral but wear the occasional makeup, tend to decorate my shoes with rainbows (not to say that rainbows = gay, I've just liked them a lot since I was a little kid) and my very best friend is a lesbian. I'm not a lesbian, but I'm not exactly straight. I definitely don't like looking girly. My stylist mumbles disapprovingly when I get my hair cut and my mom has given me some grief about how I look, saying I don't present myself well and that's why I had a hard time finding a prom date (among other things. thanks Mom, I got a date anyway and he's fcking cute). Naturally, this has taken a toll on my already wounded self-esteem. I'm not exactly sure what brought this on...but it's probably either one of two things. 1) It's my style because it's what I like. Read: mom + hairdresser + girls who laugh at me in history class, get over it. 2) I'm subconsciously (or maybe blatantly but I'm in denial) trying to make myself less attractive to the male population. Reason being I was molested (by my god damn older brother) for a while when I was a kid and have been in a bad relationship or two; hence the therapy I'm currently in. The abuse seriously screwed me up. Maybe I'm trying to protect myself from being hurt again. But it also hurts when all of my boy friends/interests insist on being just friends. My mom says it's self-sabotage. Maybe it's just the emotional scarring. My best friend has occasionally poked fun at me for having no sexual desires whatsoever; out of curiosity, I have looked at porn of various types and have had no reaction at all of I get bored and knit instead. My screwup older brother has noticed my lack of lust and has made fun of it too, but his opinion doesn't matter anyway. Ugh. I'm frustrated. I've had feelings for girls and boys (more boys though). And maybe it ultimately doesn't matter-- maybe my feelings will change-- but I'd feel better about it if there was a label for my inclinations. All this worrying about labels and appearances makes me sound awfully shallow. But for toothpaste's sake this is high school and people judge you by your looks first, right? I kind of hate admitting I worry about what people think.... What do you think? [tl;dr sorry]
Yeah don't worry about the label for now. You are still young and figuring it all out so it is ok to be unsure. I would suggest leaving the analysis for therapy. The rest of the time just allow your self to experience your feelings. It sounds counter-intuitive but the only way I was able to figure out my feelings was to stop trying to figure them out. Once I started to allow myself to experience them every thing started to make sense. Turns out all of the assumptions I had made about my feeling were wrong. As for not liking porn, I know a lot of people that don't like porn. Also your lack of sexual interest could just be that it has not developed yet. I really did not have much interest in sex until I was about 21.
That's rough. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but maybe you don't have a label. I don't think everyone does; in fact, I don't really think anyone does. Really, we're all on a spectrum. Very few are entirely straight or entirely gay. Society just gives out labels b/c we feel more secure in them. They make us feel safe. If you can define it than it must be normal. We embrace that type of thinking in place of realizing that we are all unique (as cliche as it sounds) and that that's ok... we weren't made to all be the same. Other things to consider... everything that you've experienced (being molested-and I'm so sorry for that-, unhealthy relationships, etc) makes you who you are. So you're right, you could very well be "rebelling in appearance" to ward off men as a reaction to your past... but that doesn't necessarily devalue any feelings you're having (or not having) now. I also think that being molested as a child is probably the biggest reason why you experience little to no sexual desire (i.e. the porn, etc)... Sex was destroyed for you when someone close to you took it and utilized its most evil and disgusting form... that's not fair. You didn't deserve that and you don't deserve what it's doing to you. I would actually recommend talking to your counselor about it. I am positive that none of the things you are feeling are abnormal, especially for someone who's been through what you've gone through. My sexuality is actually one of the most frequent topics with my Christian counselor... and I've found it very helpful to have someone like that to shlef through this stuff with. I really hope you find some peace with this, and above all else with yourself. There's nothing wrong with you, no matter what end of the spectrum you end up on.
Hey girl. I was totally here just a few days ago. I think that at the age of 17 labeling yourself isn't important. Just think about and consider the fact that you're questioning it. That means not leaving any doors closed. Figuring it all out now isn't that important. Sure, it's nice, but with time comes clarity. Eventually you'll know where you are. I also see a Christian counselor, and she's super awesome about my sexuality. I think you should give them more credit, and try talking to her about it. Confusion is common, but remember that labels are unimportant. Just be comfortable with who you are and let life happen as it does. Oh, and if you wanna talk or need anything, hit me up. I've been right where you're at =]
Don't try to label yourself. You don't need to or have to. And trust me, it's not going to help you find out who you really are. It will only make you act a certain way and hurt more on the inside. God that sounds corny. And it doesn't make you shallow. Yes, in HS most people judge you by looks because that 'means' you'll fit into w/e clique you look like you'll belong. It happens all the time. If a buff football jersey wearing dude passes you, you'll probably think he's part of the home team. If a chick passes you in the hall and she's wearing all black with chains strapped on in every nook and cranny you're probably going to think shes a goth. It's just your minds way of classifying things and bringing rationalization about. And it's totally normal, and especially so if you're worried about what others think about you. No one wants to believe others talk nasty about them.
That's disgusting what your brother did to you, it's sick. Did you tell anyone or report him to the police? How old were you. Sick
As people have said, labelling yourself isn't important right now (or ever). It doesn't mean that you need to change yourself to try and fit a label - it just means none of those labels fit someone with as many facets as you have, and that's definitely not a bad thing on your part. High school's pretty shocking, and people will insist on trying to box you into a label, but learning to ignore them can work pretty well.
Hi, It sounds like your having a real bad time right now, and i hope that you can work things out for your self! I agree with what has been said, that labels are not important! However if you feel it is important then it is. Labels can be of help... They can make you feel like you "fit" into a particular group! Its also confirmation that your not the only one feeling like this!! Also it can help you meet with the same label! For example, even those who say they have no label still would have searched "gay" in google to find sites like this, so they do play an important part!! Once you find a label that you are comfortable with, you can the take from it what you like and feel is right, and disregard what you dont like!! I think that you just need time to find out what it is you want/like! Just do and act how you feel comfortable... Try new things with your style if you like, and if it dont feel right then try some thing different! Or if you are comfortable how you are, then stay that way!! Find some one you can talk to, openly about how you feel. Some times when you just talk you realise you know more about your self than you thought! If you dont have any one you can talk to, then try talking to your self! Sit quietly and relax, then have a chat with your self, ask your self questions, think about how you feel in different situations and so on!!! You may find this will help! Good luck! James
embrace your inner platypus i think labels are pretty arbitrary. its like how people have classified animals into mammals etc. the description fits for most but then along comes a platypus and lays an egg and people don't know what to do with themselves. Be open to your feelings and be honest with yourself about them. And most importantly, enjoy them!
Thanks everyone for your kind advice. I really appreciate it! Sorry I haven't responded-- I was away on a choir trip. Tiffany and Lizz: I think I'll start discussing things with my counselor...I just haven't been to comfortable with it because I'm still pretty afraid of being judged :/ But not talking about what's bothering me defeats the purpose of seeing her, so I will.
Hey refrainrephrase, I just read your thread and it really hit me because I'm been through exactly the same thing. But I havent actually told anyone about it because I know it'll ruin my family. I think it also has a huge impact on me with dating. I hate it when guys try to hit on me in the clubs... I could only think that all they want is sex sex sex. And I've always liked some girls in my past, so I'm kind of confused about my own sexual orientation too. I've always dreamt about having sex but when a guy I date try to kiss me I just cant help thinking he just only want one thing. And with girls, I dont have that problem...because I feel safe with them. I can really relate to you and maybe we can be friends if you want to. =)
