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Started coming out, now I'm questioning again! Advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Bluesteel, Jun 15, 2016.

  1. Bluesteel

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    So I accepted I was gay back in December and I have been comfortable with that, but after some therapy I started the process of coming out to family and friends. And now that I'm only a few days away from telling my wife, I've really started questioning weather or not I'm really gay. And I not sure if it because I'm scared of the situation and I don't want to loose my wife. Or maybe I really am bi? I have zero experience with guys so in that sense I have nothing physical to relate to. But here are some reasons why I believe I'm gay.

    ● I've always been attracted to the same sex, but at times I've been attracted to the opposite sex, just in the past year though I've been far far less attracted to the opposite sex.
    ●when in public I find myself looking at men and fantasizing about them, very few and far between will I look at women, but sometimes I do look just not fantasize.
    ●there have been a few instances when I've had a casual conversation with an attractive guy and I've fantasized about grabbing them and kissing them. That's never happened with a girl before.
    ●and last when I'm (doing the naughty by myself) I'm always thinking about men, but in the past I have got off thinking about women, but just in the past year I have not thought about a woman at all.

    Is it common to have these questions pop up over and again in the coming out process? Has anyone else thought they were gay only to come out and realized there bisexual? Am I just over thinking all of this?
     
  2. Fighter694

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    My mom found out i am gay and after all I heard from them initially, i was really guilty that I disappointed her. So I really wanted to know for sure whether I am gay and that i didnt disappoint her for nothing. so I started questioning again before coming out to my dad and friends. It was this strong fear and craving for certainty because I thought if I came out as gay and on a later date I fall in love with a girl then she wouldn't want me and I would end up being lonely. It was that fear that there is no turning back once I'm on that path. Now the questioning before coming out was due to immense guilt and the fear of becoming lonely and that there is no turning back. So I questioned myself too much and i ended up having what is called heterosexual OCD . The doctor said it was post traumatic in nature I.e after the intense emotional trauma of coming out to my mom when i wasn't prepared. This was at its peak between the time my mom got to know and when she was going to tell dad (around a month later). So as I struggled with it and the ocd fueled the confusion, I got a lot of time to think about these labels. What I concluded is this, when in doubt ask yourself this! a) whom do you want to spend the rest of your life with?b) Are you happy with your current life and identity?
    c) why do you want to come out?
    When you answer these questions you would realize it would barely matter whether you are Kinsey 4/5/6 . FYI I feel you might be Kinsey 5 too.
    For all practical purposes if you want to live with a guy you could tell your wife that and say that you aren't sure about your stance on attraction for women and that you are attracted to men for sure and you want to live with a man. Simple as that.
    Ultimately what matters is what you want after coming out. You could come out to her as bi if you just want to let her no and if you don't want to end the marriage, provided you are really attracted to her. Otherwise just tell her you are not straight and that you think you are gay . There aren't going to be any adverse consequences if you realize you are bi after coming out as gay, because clearly you are more attracted to men anyway.
    As far as the questioning goes, someone told me this, imagine the hottest guy n the hottest girl, then think that this is the last day on earth ,whom would you want to spend time with?
    Do you feel attraction for woman who are random strangers or do you know them on some level?
    Are you able to differentiate between thinking someone is attractive and being attracted to them?
    Did you enjoy your sex life with your wife during this last year of "change".
    When you say you are able to get off to the thought of wonen do you enjoy it or is it just reaching an end point that might as well happen if you think of a pole ?
    Are there any fears around coming out to your wife? because i knew i had a strong fear about disappointing my dad and hence i had all the confusion.

    ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2016 at 07:42 AM ----------

    So as you said you have a fear about loosing your wife. So i would like to ask you few more questions.
    How often do you think about your sexuality?
    Do you get a normal physical reaction when you see a girl you are attracted to?
    Are you scared that you might be attracted to girls after coming out as gay?
     
    #2 Fighter694, Jun 15, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2016
  3. Bluesteel

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    Wow thank you for the reply. You have asked a lot of questions I haven't thought about. It really helps to think outside of my little box every once and a while. I'll do my best to answer.
    1) at this point I don't really know who I want to spend the rest of my life with? If I was to get into a relationship after my marriage it would probably be with a guy though.
    2) I'm not currently happy with my life I've been quite depressed actually.
    3) I want to come out to at least attempt to be happy.
    4) if it was the last day on earth I would definitely choose the hot guy.
    5) when I occasionally look at women it's always a random stranger.
    6)honestly I cannot say weather or not I can differentiate between thinking someone is attractive and being attracted to them. It's something I will work on.
    7)at this point in time I don't enjoy my sex life with my wife, actually the last few times we had sex I pretended she was a guy.
    8) I can't really remember when I got off to women what actually got me "there" it's been a while.
    9) I fear my wife will turn on me and want nothing to do with me at all.
    10) how often do I think about my sexuality? Question it? Maybe once a day only recently though. Think about the fact that I'm gay? Everyday.
    11) I don't get the normal "straight guy" reaction when I see an attractive girl it's more of an appreciation of her body.
    12) I do kinda have that fear but after reflecting on these questions I doubt that will happen.

    Thank you for responding I actually feel a little more comfortable with the gay label now. I do think I was overreacting out of fear of losing my family. But it is a risk I have to take. And maybe these are just the emotions I have to go through.
     
  4. Fighter694

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    Yes, coming out could be hard, specially when things are at stake, but it looks pretty clear to me that you want to spend a life with a guy, unless your present wife is a terrible person. At this point in time,id like to advice you to not over think it. Tell her when you are ready. Unless she is homophobic she won't cut you off completely.
    I wish you luck :slight_smile:
     
  5. Bluesteel

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    Thank you for the advice, it has helped alot. I will try not to overthink it. But like you said when there is alot at stake things tend to get overwhelming. I plan on telling my wife this weekend. I've been preparing for a while. But no matter how prepared I am it never seems to get easier. Nor will it ever be easy, it's just something I have to do.
     
  6. Nickw

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    Hey Bluesteel

    When I came out to my wife, I wrote a letter that tried to convey how our marriage was important and real. Really a summary of our life together. I noticed the other day when I was looking for her keys, that she carries it with her.

    I needed her to have something to go back to during this. I needed her to know the marriage wasn't a sham.

    Good luck!