1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to come out to myself?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Vasriia, Jun 17, 2016.

  1. Vasriia

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2016
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Upstate SC
    Gender:
    Female
    I decided to start here, since I seem really resistant to the idea that I'm a lesbian.

    On the one hand, recent evidence suggests that I probably am. On the other hand, how the hell does someone get into their mid-30s without noticing? It's not that I thought "Hmm, am I gay?" and the said "Nawww, don't be silly!", it's that it honestly never occured to me.

    Sure, in hindsight, it solves a couple of mysteries, but still; I've had a marriage, probably a dozen male partners, and am in (barely) a 5 year long hetero relationship.

    I mostly just figured that sex was highly overrated, a vehicle for reaching other goals like self-esteem and a happy partner.

    Then again, I keep reading storied from people who knew they were gay from, like, 4 years old. How could that possibly be what I'm going through? All I knew at 4 was that I liked Thoroughbreds!

    To shorten and excerpt a really long story (on a smoke break and my work performance is already suffering), back in march I got drunk and somehow ended up making out with a girl from my office. Like, not exploritarily making out, but horny teenager making out.

    I felt, at that moment, like that's what kissing was always supposed to feel like, as in the way all desserts were supposed to taste like creme brulee.

    Since then (vastly compressing), I have been... well, I guess cheating on my BF with this girl, and it's mind-blowing. Apparently relevatory enough that I'm here, months later, posting this and totally in crisis about my sexuality.

    So many life decisions hinge on this, and I'm sitting here going "Well, I haven't performed oral sex on her, so I still might not be gay..."

    Am I an idiot? What is going on with me here?
     
  2. Meggiesoarasrex

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2016
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Vancouver
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hmm I'm probably not the right person to be answering this post as a 17 year old struggling with coming out as a lesbian. You could always consider ignoring labels and just doing what feels right. Of you want to be with a certain women be with that women, and if you want to be with a man be with the man. Do what feels right to you. If that means testing the waters with girls, do it.
    I was also once told to consider who you'd want to be in a long term relationship with. Consider if you perfe sexual relations with women and perfe emotional, long term relationships with men. Can you imagine yourself long term relationship with a women? Ultimately, you should note it's not uncommon for bisexual women (if that is an option for you, as I don't remember you mentioning it) to prefer sex from women and emotional relationships from men, because let's face it, women are hot.
     
  3. Vasriia

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2016
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Upstate SC
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you for your reply!

    Well, if I'm really honest about it, I have been fairly awful at long term relationships with men. Maybe because the selection process was all about determining whose frustrating habits were the least intolerable.

    Long term with this girl? Well, right now I feel like I'd marry her tomorrow if she asked, but I know for sure that just has to be a massive hormone rush combined with this being my first relationship with a woman. So I might need to give it another month before I tackle that question. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Wolfwing

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2016
    Messages:
    190
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Well I didn't find out that I was bi, till earlier this year and I went my whole life thinking I was straight. So, the way I view it is it's never too late to question and figure out your true sexuality. Then once you do that, you need to realize that sexuality is something you're born into like being black, white, asian, etc. and no matter what religious people say, you can't change it. So really it's all just about loving and accepting who you truly are and not trying to change it. As for coming out to others, I can't offer much advice besides be confident in who you are. Anyway, I hope this advice helped you.

    ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2016 at 09:18 AM ----------

    Well I didn't find out that I was bi, till earlier this year and I went my whole life thinking I was straight. So, the way I view it is it's never too late to question and figure out your true sexuality. Then once you do that, you need to realize that sexuality is something you're born into like being black, white, asian, etc. and no matter what religious people say, you can't change it. So really it's all just about loving and accepting who you truly are and not trying to change it. As for coming out to others, I can't offer much advice besides be confident in who you are. Anyway, I hope this advice helped you.
     
  5. womaninamber

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2014
    Messages:
    518
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm 50 and I still haven't completely figured it out. It occurred to me at various points in my life that I wasn't straight but I always figured it was just curiosity or my brain being weird. Sex with men ranged from painful to "meh" but I thought maybe I just wasn't any good at it. (Or they weren't, I suppose.) I did (and do) fantasize about men, but at this point I only fantasize about celebrity crushes and when I think about having sex for real or having a relationship for real I want to do that with a woman.

    Anyway you're not an idiot. You're going through a confusing time and it's no wonder you don't have it all figured out. But I agree with Wolfwing that all you can do is be yourself.
     
  6. womaninamber

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2014
    Messages:
    518
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm nearly 50 and I still haven't completely figured it out. It occurred to me at various points in my life that I wasn't straight but I always figured it was just curiosity or my brain being weird. Sex with men ranged from painful to "meh" but I thought maybe I just wasn't any good at it. (Or they weren't, I suppose.) I did (and do) fantasize about men, but at this point I only fantasize about celebrity crushes and when I think about having sex for real or having a relationship for real I want to do that with a woman.

    Anyway you're not an idiot. You're going through a confusing time and it's no wonder you don't have it all figured out. But I agree with Wolfwing that all you can do is be yourself.
     
  7. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    Well dear, I will absolutely agree that you are so not an idiot. I didn't know anything about being who I was much less the truth about sexual orientation until I was forty. So not everyone knows at four or five or even thirty four. Just take the time to explore and see what feels right for you. There is no wrong answer, just give yourself the time to learn about who you like and who you are. There is no timeframe or race to the finish.

    Hope this helps.(*hug*)