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Ending my relationship a long with everything I know about myself.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by whatamiplease, Jun 17, 2016.

  1. whatamiplease

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Coventry
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I have been having sexual thoughts about men for about 2 years. I am writing this post too see if there are people who have had similar experiences and I would like to know where you are at now.

    I am very, very confused. About a week ago, whilst I was with my girlfriend of a year and a half, my bisexuality seemed to rise to the surface. I put it this way because it seemed to be against my will, it came as an intense feeling in my chest. Prior to this, I had never really had to tell myself I wasn't bi or wasn't gay, I just didn't think it was true, dismissing it as curiosity. But then my body stopped myself from lying to my girlfriend whom I love and care about very much. Three days later, whilst still with her, I suddenly couldn't keep it in anymore and came out to her and myself. After this happened, I assumed we could carry on as she was supportive and amazing, but my mind was telling me we had to end. I don't know who I am. I have always been straight, always been attracted to women, but now I am questioning everything i know about myself. I still don't really know why I had to break up with her but I feel overwhelming guilt about being with her and lying to her. I hate that her friends will call her my beard, I hate that she will not understand, I hate that she will think i was using her and I hate that this is happening to me most of all. I would like to know if anyone has had similar experiences with a girlfriend or partner and has maybe got back with them? Is that possible for me?

    Also I am very scared that I have deluded myself to such an extent throughout my life that I can even enjoy sex with women. I'm very scared that I am actually gay- I am not homophobic in any way, I have just always loved women and their bodies and don't want too lose that part of me. I am struggling with all this and am still not really allowing myself to find men attractive, I am scared that if i do- or if i am with a man sexually- then I will no longer see women that way anymore. Have any other men been scared like this when they were first trying to accept their bisexuality? What happened if so?
    Again, I am writing this in order to try and find people who relate specifically too my situation (though I welcome your input if you don't), so I will give some more context. I have always had an addictive personality, smoking weed and drinking regularly throughout my teenage years, as well as playing video games excessively. Could these distractions possibly be why this part of me has been so easy to ignore? Throughout my childhood, until i was about 18/19, the fact that I could be anything other than straight never even crossed my mind.

    If anyone has had similar experiences, please comment. I don't really know who I am.
     
  2. mistertwist

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2016
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    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    My brother, you describe my feelings and approximate current situation to a T. I am far from having all the answers on this. I've been with a girl for six years and we are on the verge of marriage, engaged to be engaged, and a series of books I've been reading have brought me to the path of no longer denying whatever these feelings may be– like you, the possibility of other-than-straight desires is highly frightening to me and I have avoided the feelings for years.

    I don't know precisely yet who I am and I have no friggin' idea what I'm going to do about my girlfriend, whom I genuinly love. But enough to live as a straight man the rest of my life? Not so sure anymore. But could I stay in relationship with her– we really get along so well, although our sex life has stopped– and be in an open relationship with men on the side, or would that just be a gross hypocrisy, a delaying of the inevitable?

    I do not have answers to these questions. However, here are four resources/ideas that have helped me in my (very early) journey down this path of self discovery and acceptance:

    1) This book: 'A Positive View of LGBT'

    2) Coming out to a TRUSTED friend or two– even if coming out means questioning, it's really extraordinary how good it feels to get a positive supportive reaction. And to have a reflection of your experience, with fresh ideas you couldn't have reached while struggling on your own.

    3) Dan Savage podcast. Thesis: sex is no big deal. Find a partner that can accept you for you and be willing to accomodate you sexuality, and you him or her, otherwise they may not be right for you.

    4) Self experimentation. I'm no where NEAR even flirting with a man in public, let alone kissing or anything else. The idea makes me feel as if it will be the beginning of the end of my life as I know it (irrational fear, but rational in the sense that infidelity of any kind could lead to my break up). HOWEVER, no one can read your mind, and it can help to make what you do in the privacy of your room/bathroom a shame free laboratory. I know I'm getting personal here, but this idea has only lately dawned on me and has really helped– who gets hurt if you fantasize in the name of experimentation? No one. And the more you experiment, if you catch my euphamism, the more you'll find out and the more you can then ACCEPT what you find out.

    And, you can consider everything I just wrote a pep talk and reminder for me, because dude I GET it. You are not alone in these issues! Hope this helps...