I need to tell my girlfriend.

I am in a long term relationship with a girl, as a male. It's been over five years, but the last year has been a long-distance arrangement. She comes to see me about once every 1-2 months for a week. We had to separate for work/career opportunities, and the current plan will have her moving to my place in early 2017. We have discussed marriage, and are very happy together. We are both very sexual and there is a major fetish/kink dynamic to our relationship, so we openly discuss anything we are interested in, even fantasies and interest in other people.

The problem is that I am attracted to men, and always have been. I have been open with her about everything to do with sex, we openly explore new fascinations and fetishes together. I was into men before we started dating, but had never been physical. I have never mentioned this to her, and there's not much about me that would even indicate my sexuality, I'm a typical masculine male. There are some jealousy issues with her and other women, because I can be a flirtatious person and she knows I've had trouble with infidelity in past relationships. I once asked her that if I was hypothetically into men, if my interactions with them would somehow ignite less jealousy than with women. She told me that she wouldn't really be bothered about it at all. So, I am somewhat hopeful that we can reach an understanding about recent problems.

Since we have entered this long-distance arrangement, I've become increasingly interested in men, and recently had my first physical experience with a man. I had a clean record of being faithful with this wonderful girl, and threw it away. I've had issues in the last with cheating and this by far has been my longest relationship, one of the few where I've remained faithful. I want to come out to her so badly, and even admit to what I've done. I need to explore this side of myself, because it's eaten away at me for my entire life. I can't stand the thought that learning that I'm bisexual would change how she looks at me. She is an open person, with gay friends and supportive of their issues. She's even attracted to women herself and has told me her fantasies, but had very limited physical experience with them. But, within our relationship perhaps it could cause her subconsciously see me as less dominant, less masculine, or whatever, I really don't know precisely what it is that bothers me. Then, of course there's my infidelity to discuss. I want to come out to her, and if that's shrugged off and accepted without issue, then I can admit the more serious problem.

I guess I'm not directly needing to answer a question, but I have to vent somewhere. I'm not out to anyone other than the guy I spent time with, and he doesn't even know that he was my first. I have nobody to talk to here, I don't have any close friends that are gay either. I feel alone and desperately want my girlfriend to understand and be supportive. I can talk to her about anything in the world, she's the closest person in my life, knows more about me than anyone ever has, but this frontier is uncomfortable for me.

I'm so emotionally torn up. It's been a constant battle with my sexuality these past few months, even before I gave in and cheated. I've been a wreck and it distracts me from daily responsibilities and work. I have always been comfortable with the attraction to men myself, but never pursued it. It's only been recent that I feel less in control of those needs. I was always able to suppress it, and maybe that's why it's come back so strongly. I hate everything about this. I love my girlfriend but I can't handle everything that's happening with me alone, and worry that I'm going to destroy our otherwise perfect and exciting relationship.

 

I couldn't contain it anymore after starting this thread. I told her everything, and it's not exactly being taken well. I haven't yet determined whether her reaction is to the fact that I'm into men, or if it's because I was unfaithful. She is bothered that I've been "lying" for the past five years, and that I could've told her anytime and it wouldn't have changed how she feels towards me. I don't get the impression that this is going to lead to breakup, but I'm leaving her alone for the day unless she contacts me first, because it's a lot to digest after spending so long with someone.

 

Her initial reaction seemed odd to me. I prefaced my admission by telling her how important it was to listen and be understanding, went over my feelings for her and how much the past years meant. Her response to me liking men, before I admitted cheating, was something along the lines of "I knew I would never be able to give you what you want". She sent me a couple of messages along these lines, and it actually made me a little angry that she would make the conversation about her when I'm trying to confess my deepest secret to someone who has been the love of my life.

I'm so tore up today I had to call into work. :tears:

 

Well, she's coming into see me today. I'm going to have an awkward, sad conversation in about five hours. I badly want to be "allowed" to explore with men while dating her, but I don't think that's going to be a possibility. I haven't suggested that, but she's already said something along the lines of "if you loved me you wouldn't want to sleep with other people". It's difficult to explain how the attraction to men is different than with women, and how even the sexual urges seem to come from somewhere else. It's not the same sort of satisfaction. I barely understand it enough to describe, so it's impossible for her. I guess that would be the best possible result from this, but I have a feeling that I'm going to have to end up choosing between staying with her while ignoring my growing interest in men, or letting myself be single so I can figure everything out. It's more about self discovery than getting laid or finding a romantic connection with someone else, but she won't understand. It's black and white to her, she says she has no problem if I'm interested in men, and that she even suspected it in some ways, but the cheating is heartbreaking. To her, it's separate issues, but for me it's all the same because even though I feel guilty, I'm also glad I did it for myself, and I want to again. I also don't want to hurt her, or lose her because I so feel like we're in love. Ugh. It's so confusing. Thanks so much for sympathizing with me and helping.

 

She came in Tuesday night. It was almost like nothing happened, she was excited to see me and maintained her usual personality, she didn't seem to want to talk about anything. But as we were going to bed she finally broke down. There were a lot of tears and I had to say a lot of uncomfortable things, trying to explain everything that's been going on with me. She would fluctuate from angry, to sympathetic, to uncontrollably crying, cycling through emotions and telling me that she wants to be angry but that she doesn't feel like she's allowed. It seemed like she thought is was her fought, that I went looking for something she wasn't doing for me. I did everything I could to explain how I needed to explore, that the attraction fulfilled something that was indescribably different, not competiting against our relationship. She eventually came to the solution that she "can be okay with this", saying that if I have to persue this she would understand. She kept repeating it through the night until we finally fell asleep together.

The next day, she was a little colder in her interactions with me, but only slightly. It was obviously still bothering her, which is understandable. She kept saying things like "you don't get to be mad at me" or "you don't get to tell me no" when I'd goof around with her or whatever. We ended up having some rough sex, but something felt odd. We went to sleep and while we usually cuddle through the night, this time she wouldn't allow me to touch or kiss her. I ignored it and went to sleep.

Thursday she was far colder and outwardly angry. I tried everything I could to cheer her up, she still held conversation with me, we went out to eat, came home and instead of sex somehow I ended up performing oral on her without any penetration, which is rare and she seemed to want me to be teased or whatever. That night in in another long talk, but this time it's like the acceptance she had Tuesday night was forgotten. I had to practically beg her to stay the night, even though she planned to leave early this morning (Friday). I was finally allowed to touch her while we slept, but left clueless on where we stood.

So now she's gone, it doesn't seem like we'll be breaking up, but after these past few days I don't feel any better about anything.

I have a date with the guy again tonight. I guess that might cheer me up, but I'm probably going to slee with him again. I'm very attracted to him and my girlfriend both, and nothing has seem to be cleared up for me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, if both were female it would seem respectful to break up with my girlfriend and pursue the other, but with one being a man and giving me a whole separate set of feelings than the girl I've been dating for five years. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, so for the moment I guess I need to wait and see how she adapts and what we talk about from here. I'm going to be a real asshole and go see this guy tonight. I feel like I have to do it for myself, I want to badly.

 

No, she doesn't know, and I won't be telling her anything else. I have to figure this out, I can't ignore it or simply end it with my girlfriend. It's what I should do, I know.

 

I called off the date and now I'm simply sitting home alone, texting her about things. I am undeniably an asshole and deserve the harshness, and I've already called myself every awful thing imaginable. The guilt and confusion is unbearable, but the thought of leaving her is heartbreaking. It's probably necessary, dragging this out is simply sadistic and unfair to the girl.

 

Re: I need to tell my girlfriend

I have no idea how to define my sexuality. I am physically more attracted to women, I can simply look at a girl and be aroused. That doesn't really happen for men, there has to be some sort of connection, not necessarily romantic but there has to be something there. I have also found myself drawn towards non-binary types of people, which isn't entirely a physical thing either. I don't know if I could see myself in a serious relationship with a man, so they sit in this weird area between physical and romantic attraction, but that could be inexperience, social conditioning, or whatever talking. I would call myself pansexual rather than bisexual because my criteria for attraction isn't rigid, each person could appeal to me in different ways, physically or through some sort of personal connection. I find my attraction to men growing which is what lead to all this, but it's not completely physical. I haven't explored myself enough to consider all the labels out there, maybe things would shift if I was free to experience more possibilities. It would've been easier if the person I cheated with had no connection with me, but instead this guy was incredibly sweet and we got along great, I want to spend time with him and not simply explore sex. I don't feel like I could be in a serious relationship with a guy, but that does seem to be what he's looking for at some point. If I even worked things out with my girlfriend to be allowed to see men, there's not a chance this guy would want to be involved with someone in an open relationship. I've only had a couple dates with him, so it's definitely not serious enough to choose over my girlfriend, but it would be a little saddening to not see where it could go.

I just have to sit here and think. The obvious solution is to break up with her, explore with him and be fair to them both. I don't know if I could handle it though, 5 years is 5 times longer than any other relationship I've had in my life. Until these gay urges came back so strongly, I've never had such a strong connection with anyone in my life. I'm not going to be able to replace that connection, that closeness, and history with someone else. Even though it's long-distance, we had four years living together and building a life. 6 months ago, without question this was the woman I wanted to marry. I went from being madly in love to confused so quickly.

I am literally repeated myself now. Sorry. It's difficult, I half write these posts to work through things myself, writing it down seems to focus my thoughts. You've been helpful here, thanks a lot, really.