Hello, this is my first time on here and i'm looking for someone else's opinion because i'm driving myself mad with unanswered questions. I am a straight female who has recently split with my boyfriend of 2 years (he called it off) and of course there are many reasons that have contributed to the split but I am unsure as to whether one of them is his sexuality. 12 months ago I shamefully looked at his phone and found [dating/hookup apps] on his phone. I asked him about them and he admitted that a couple of years ago he installed them. The reason he gave for them was that he wasn't getting any attention from girls and he just wanted some attention/any attention from anyone but promised me that he'd never met with any men and that he was just looking. The thing that concerned me the most was the date the apps were installed, because it said that they were installed whilst we were together but he was adamant that they weren't and that it must have just been showing that date because the app had gone through an automatic update. I believed him and chose to move past it and completely forgot about it. For another 12 months we had a lovely relationship (or so I thought because in hindsight there were things that weren't right). Since splitting we've met up a few times and I again shamefully checked his phone and the apps have re-appeared (it's a new phone since the old one) and so I asked him about them. I asked him if he's gay and he said no and that he thinks he's straight and just likes pleasurable feelings. I know that he does because in the bedroom he would often want to give and receive anal. He's also been sexting me since we split and on a couple of occasions tried on my underwear that I left there and sent me photos, which I was very shocked about to be honest. I guess people may ask, why do I care? You've split up so move on it doesn't matter but the reason I feel like it does matter is that i've also recently found out that on many occasions he's turned to religion yet he claims to not be religious at all. He lives far away from his family and doesn't have many friends and if he really is in the closet then I worry for him and want to help. I've told him i'll always be here for him and he has said if he ever feels the need to reach out to me that he will do. He's opened up to me a little since the split and maybe i'm the only person who knows this about him? His family are literally "perfect" and I think he feels a lot of pressure from them to settle down with a girl, have children and be successful, so I'm not surprised if he feels he can't come out. The thing is i'm so convinced that he is but then I wonder how he was able to lie so well. Our sex live was amazing, he constantly initiated it, admired me at every opportunity, we barely went without it and he was very kinky. But could this have been a cover up? I truly believed he fancied me because I don't think he'd have been able to fake that so maybe he's bi? I just don't know. It's been a couple of months since we've split and for the most part it's been amicable despite me being absolutely heart broken. I'm naturally a caring person and don't want him to hide who he really is. Thank you for reading, and for any advice you can offer.
He sounds bi. The fact that you had such a good sex life together indicates he's not gay, to me. Most all gay men have no interest in women. It sounds like you still love him. Have you tried to get him to be honest & open up to you, about his sexuality? Would you need him to be monagamous if you got back together, or is that out of the picture?
I think I would have to agree with BeingDude. If he hadn't displayed any feelings of disgust or unwillingness to have "straight sex," and is otherwise enjoying it, he may just be bisexual. If it sounds like he's getting off or anything on guys, and based in what you've found on his phone, he is most likely not straight.
I think I do still love him yeah, definitely still care about him. He opened up to me in the first few weeks of splitting but has shut me out now. There's no chance he'd take me back. Given the attempts to reach out to a religion I'm worried about how he's feeling. He's not religious in the slightest. So to me I feel like he's really lost. What can I do though? I feel like maybe his mum should know? I know she'd be such an amazing support but at the same time I don't want to abuse his trust. It may help though?
I would not tell his mom! What you can do, try to talk to him about it in a supportive way. You say he shut you out, does that mean you are no longer communicating in any way? Maybe give him some time to figure things out but remain an open source of support, dont be mad if he does not want to talk about it, it can be a very hard thing to talk about.
We are still in contact but we keep it to talking about bills or items of mine that are still at his house. We were flirting and hooking up still at first (strange I know as he'd dumped me) but I think it helped me to keep seeing him than to outright go cold turkey and not see him. We only hooked up 2/3 times and then we both agreed it needed to end. The times we hooked up he wanted lots of anal and would want it to be kinky. Almost like now that I knew he was gay/bi he could be even more open than he used to be (he used to want me to use a dildo on his bum but since splitting we actually used a strap on) Sorry for getting personal here. I can tell he no longer wants to talk to me so I don't know how best to move on whilst still caring for him and not wanting him to feel lost and confused and alone. That's why I thought about mentioning it to his mum, but maybe I shouldn't. I'd just hate to think that he might end up living another lie and meeting yet another girl because he thinks he has to and settling down with her. He's already told me that if I ever bump into him with another girl that I can probably bet that it won't last,...was that him dropping a major hint? Either way, it's really sad
first off he is defo BI or Pan or without labels, attracted to both males and females second, from what you are saying if you want to help why not set him up with a guy?, in an indirect way of course !. a guy to date, or maybe to just be friends with but he HAS TO BE gay or bi .....some men relate to and or talk to each other about those problems than they do to women (so not me but still...i know many who do my dad is one) another man for them is way easier to confesse shame to than a woman who they love and care about or is a friend or a girlfriend or even a sister they get too .......idk how to describe it but awkward talking about those things.... if you have any gay friends already don't hesitate but he has to not know that you know them or that they are gay by you, you just make something up so they can get to know each other,the trick here is if he is your friend you will know everything about your guy from him,if he is not you will just have to hope its turns out great.... GOOD LUCK !! if i was there i would have helped you right away, as i spent my high school years spying on EXs of my girl friends to find out stuff they want to know,......its freaking sick i know :roflmao: but its so cool and guys always open up to me as they see me as too polite and just nice.
I'd forget about him & move on. Do not speak to his Mom, or set him up w gay guys - that'd just continue the involvement. W the dildo thing, it could be safer health wise & emotionally ….than being w a guy. However, it's about being penetrated, & it'd be logical for hm to work thru that, see if he's gay, etc. But you staying involved would mean you'd continue to get hurt, because of your attachment. So better in my book to wish hm well & say goodbye.
Speaking in general, being penetrated by a woman with a strap-on/dildo does not mean one is gay. I really wish society could get past this stigma. But if he's on gay apps/dating sites that is questionable. Never been in a similar situation but just be honest with each other and if y'all are better back together or apart so be it. Not saying y'all can't be friends but y'all have to do what works best for each other. Hope this helps and wish both of you the best.
I agree, I believe as long as it's pleasurable for him it doesn't mean he's gay either. But the apps and the reaching out to religion makes me feel like he bi or confused. I've tried to reach out to him but now I think he's shut me off. Never mind, I tried. thank you for your input.
I've been in a similar position I just never dated. It took time for me to admit I liked dudes too when almost all my life I labeled myself straight. He probably just needs time to think it out. He's struggling with something hope he vents safely and doesn't cause any harm to himself or others in the process.
Do NOT tell his mom. If he is gay or bi or pan, being outed to his mom before he's ready could really hurt him, and I'm sure you don't want to do that. I agree with beingdude. The best course of action, since you're really not sure of his sexuality, is to just leave him be in terms of his own love life. As for the religion thing, that's not really necessarily a bad thing. Some people just find that they need religion in their life when they didn't before. The very best thing you can do is try to be there for him as much as you possibly can It's obvious you care about him, and I think the best way to show that is just let him know that, if he wants it, he has your shoulder to cry on.
