Hey, At this moment I'm 17, and I have a friend I respect a lot who is also 17. He (lets call him Ben) has a girlfriend for almost 3 years, and me and Ben are getting very close since the last year. During this time, I have come to the realisation I am bisexual or gay, not sure yet, and I am full of it. I think about it constantly, thinking how my parents would react, my brother, my cousin, my friends. I think I am in love with Ben, and I can not handle it. I don't know about him, but I have always assumed he is straight, while he is very touchy to me. When we're out, he will hug me, grab my but, hold my hand what ever, while he doesn't do it to others. Also, just on the street he will grab my hand and not let go, even though people are looking. I want to come out, because the thoughts about not being who I am and not being able to be true to people is killing me. I also want to come out to Ben in particular, but I don't know how, and even if I should. People from school have remarked on me and Ben being very intimate and touchy, to holding hands or just touching each other, and I think that if I'd come out they'd all go for Ben, while he would be the straight guy touching a homosexual. I really don't know what to do, cause I sincerely just love Ben for who he is, for what he stands for and what he thinks. I like his looks, I like his style, I like the jokes he makes. But at this moment, I can not tell him, and this eats me up inside, and I don't even know if I should tell him. If you have any comment or thought, please let me know, cause I'm overflowing
Ben is either straight or bi. At the moment he is in a relationship, so nothing is going to happen there :tears: . However it's obvious that you are one of his best friends, I think he is a guy that you can be honest with. That's just my opinion, you know him best. (You might not mention that you're in love with him, that might cause complications :icon_redf . See how that one goes.) Best of luck.(*hug*)
Regardless of whether or not you decide to come out to everyone, as your best friend you should indeed tell Ben in my opinion. Friendship is soemthing that within it holds great trust and understanding, if you are best friends then I'm sure all will go fine. Keep in mind that coming out to Ben doesn't mean you have to tell him about yoir feelings yet, but if you want to then best of luck friend.
Yeah, so, first off i wanna say (without dismissing the fact that you guys are still teenagers, in school, yada yada, you've yet to really begin your lives, etc) if you plan on coming out to people in general, your best friend should be one of the first people you tell. He doesn't have to be the first, or second, or third, or whatever. Just don't start telling people without him knowing, since i assume you guys tell each other just about everything. You just wouldn't want him to find out from someone else. I practiced with a friend from work who's about ten years older than me who i trusted and had a rapidly growing relationship with. i told my best friend after that. You may need some practice. You could even tell a total stranger. You'll probably never see them again in time for them to remember, and might even be out by then. Everyone my best friend and i know calls me his wife and him my husband, and its even an ongoing joke between us. I thought i had feelings for him for a while, and perhaps i did, but i realized that he doesn't feel the same way, and after thinking about it, i got over it and had to move on. he's not the kind of person i would want to form a life with, and because of that i was able to move forward. That being said, i never told him that i had feelings for him, even in the slightest. He asked me a few weeks or something after coming out to him if i was in love with him and i told him "haha no. You're my best friend and i love you man. id do anything for you but i don't love you like that." Even though we've had the discussion a few times about having a threesome together and that if it was with another guy he'd want it to be me (im still flattered by that ^^) He later came out to me as bisexual, so fancy that! Good luck!!
Hello! Like the previous commenters, I agree that you should tell Ben. He's your best friend, after all, and you say that you respect him a lot. That calls for honesty on your part. That being said, and regardless of the fact that he has a girlfriend, his attitude toward you is indeed quite affectionate for a dude. Just don't go as far as telling him that you love him, at least not now, for it might be a bit too much to handle for him in the situation he's in. Best of luck! (*hug*)
Thank you all sincerely for your replies! I really appreciate it How would you recommend telling him? In a few weeks we have summer break where I live, and before a very busy test period, not going to do it then. But I was just wondering, should I tell him somewhere neutral, like when just hanging out somewhere, so he has the option to leave? I really really don't want him to feel weird, attacked or intimidated so I wouldn't do it like at his home or my home, but I do want to give him the opportunity to ask questions if he wants. Second, what the ... should I do if he asks if I am in love with him? Should I lie? Should I be honest with him, but not tell others? I am so affraid for him that if I come out, everyone will make remarks to him that he was friends with me, as people have remarked on our intimacy. Thirdly, I am really affraid just to hurt him, that he might get the feeling that he was used or something. I really want him to know that I love him for the person he is, and that all my advice or concerns were sincere, but I think he might take it that I was just trying to pursue him. Like, this probably sounds really desperate, but he is really someone I'd spend my life with, I'm young, but I have been really sincere and loving all my life, if someone loved me back. I don't accept people easily in my life, but I'm kind to everyone, but I think he is just awesome in how he is...
I think it's a good idea to give him the possibility to walk out if he needs time to process it. Plan a normal "catch up" thing, like when the exams are over, tell him "eh, wanna grab a coffee to unwind?". Great to think about his well-being too. =) As for telling him... It's more delicate, because he is in a relationship. Honesty is important; perhaps a fair share of it, but muted? If he asks you if you have feelings for him, perhaps just say "yeah, but I have for a while, so it won't change anything compared to how things are now"? I would not recommend lying. Eh, being friend with you might be a blessing. You seem like a very caring person. I doubt your friend will suddenly turn his back on you, especially given the affectionate gestures he demonstrated toward you in the past. If anything, he might even strongly oppose people mocking either of you for petty reasons. And lastly - he knows you. He knows you're this person. Not someone using him. You can make sure to tell him exactly what you wrote, that you were not in this friendship with the sole pursuit of getting him (or anything of that kind), but that you genuinely think very highly of him. However, it might not even be necessary at this point. Just remember that he might need some time to process it, but chances are that he suspects your sexual orientation already, and/or that anyway the bound you share will make it much easier for him to adapt to your official coming-out. Have faith, young padawan! It doesn't always have to end badly. (*hug*)
Thank you so much, the words you say really touch me. I really want to thank you for replying, I love this forum, not being able to talk about this for years just eats me up from inside, thank you a lot for being here. About what you said, I think that would be a good strategy. Eventuelly, I can't change much about how he is going to react. I am very nervous about it though, because I have lived with me feeling like I like guys for so long, I 'got used to it'. Would it be good to end this, and try to get things roling in the summer break? I am so nervous for everything that would change, for people not accepting me, for not being able to join the 'guys room' on our upcomig schooltrip, I just dont know... Thanks for being here though, I deeply, deeply appreciate it!
Aye, I don't know what the policy about gender-based bedrooms / bathrooms during school trips is in the Netherlands, but it is indeed a bit concerning. However, nothing forces you to come out to the whole school. And even so, if the situation get out of your hands, it would be discrimination from the school to isolate you in another room. If your classmates find out and are uncomfortable about it, negotiate with them to change in private in a bathroom, find which classmates are okay with sleeping in the same room than you (aka: the mature ones) without making a big deal of this potential minor issue, and it should go relatively well. And if it doesn't, well, I hope that your BFF will be supportive enough for not letting you face unfair treatment alone. Let's keep our fingers crossed for that! No thanks necessary, man. We're all in the same boat, but some of us, like me, are doing pretty well by now and therefore have extra lifebuoys. It'd be dumb not to share. (*hug*) Not being able to talk about who you are must have indeed be difficult. I sincerely hope that your friend will be supportive enough, so you will feel able to talk to him about anything that ruins your morale in regard of your sexuality. In the meantime, and even after that: we're here! o/
