Hi all, I just stumbled across this website a few weeks ago and I was hoping I could get some advise on how to deal with my life crisis now. Basically, I was raised in a very traditional Chinese family and since I was in my teens, I found myself liking guys(or to be exact I was watching the guy more in a straight porn). As I was going through puberty at the time, I sort of thought it was just a phase or I was just jealous of the guy being able to get a hot chick. As I grew up, I sort of can’t shake this apparent “phase” away and got really confused and frustrated why I cannot like a woman. Being Chinese and surrounded by 100% straight friends, I was terrified of exploring my sexuality. It got so bad that I force myself like this girl and make myself tell some of my friends that I might like this girl. I know that it was very dishonest for me to do so and I completely regret now. However, I think I was just trying to deny who I was when I told this lie. Every time I say things about how I like a certain girl, I always feel guilty afterwards about lying I am 27 now and still in the closet. Recently, I have been thinking of what has happened over the years, it sort of finally dawned to me that I am what I am and there is no point forcing myself to be somebody I am not. Deep down, I think I have finally accepted myself. I was miserable for so so long and trying to make everyone else around me happy but not myself. I was slowly getting myself ready to start telling my close friends and family about who I am but then a crisis hit my family. My father’s business has been declining towards the years and about a year ago it finally collapsed and he is now in very grave financial situation. My family is not in Australia and they are overseas. They have sent me here to study and since I graduated I have stayed in Australia to work. The state of their financial situation has also deteriorated our relationship, to the point that we are almost not on speaking terms now. Being the eldest son and that my parents have invested so much in my life, I am so obliged to support them as well as not disappoint them. As a result, I sort of decided that I will just keep it all in until the situation gets better. However, day by day, I become more and more depressed about living with a “mask” that is definitely not me. On the other hand, if I do come out, I know this will destroy my family given the current situation and they will think I am abandoning them as a son. Hurting them at this time when they need me the most is not an option for me. Moreover, recently, I met this guy who is about 12 years older than me and naturally more mature in his thinking. We hit it off and I feel that we can definitely start something there but I can feel that my reluctance to come out has made him unwilling to commit to anything. I may not be the smartest person, but I give a lot of thought into the things that I do. In this instance, I almost feel that whichever way I go it is going to kill somebody., especially me…. slowly. H
you've covered alot of things there. you're going to have to think about what's most important to you at the moment (which it sounds very much like you have been doing) and come to a conclusion from that. you don't have to come out to your family yet, which will be made a bit easy by the fact that you're not in the same country. the relationship sounds like a great step in the right direction. but you have to be honest to yourself, perhaps talk to friend you can trust unless you don't feel ready of course. though it sounds like you feel the need to do something, whatever you do it's probably best to keep it small for now. I hope I've been of some help, if there's anything you want to talk about feel free to message me!
Welcome to EC! "Coming out" doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing thing. Since you live in a different country from your parents, you can technically come out and live as an openly gay guy in Australia, and not tell them. You can always tell them later once their situation improves. Lex
I'm also from a pretty traditional family. What my dad says is that no matter what happens, we're still your family, we should be the first people to know. And they are the most important people in your life. You should be able to trust them with everything. I still havent figured out what I am yet, and I'm not even mentally ready to tell them but I think if I was to one day, they'll take it as the worst news ever but will probably eventually understand. I think for your situation you need to first find out what are their opinions about gay people. What do they expect from you. What do you think is more important, your own happiness or them finding out the truth (which doesnt have to mean it'll cost their happiness). Good luck!
Hi all, Thanks for the posts and support. It has only been a day since i posted it but already i felt lighter. this is one of the first times i have ever let my feelings out (although in hindsight i think i might have babbled too much in one post hahaha). But nonetheless, i feel that i gained a bit of courage in going to face what is to come. I will keep you all updated on how it goes. btw, i met the guy i like today as i am running back home from work today (p.s. his home is sort of on my way home and i run home couple of times a week). He was walking home but had something on tonight and so didn't want to bother him. just light kiss on cheek and then goodbye. H
Oh wow! A kiss on the cheek?!? Sounds like a good first start. Welcome to EC. I'm glad you found this site - as it was good for me as well to share my thoughts and feelings in a place like this. I hope it continues to help you. Like Lex said, I think you could 'come out' in Australia without coming out to your family. If it won't help you or help them, then there's no point in telling them.
be out where your at, this doesnt mean that your parents and family have to know, just dont make it public info on the internet, if this man likes you and knows the situation your family is in and the traditional ways of your family then he should respect your decision to wait to tell them, and if he isnt ok with that, then he really isnt supportive of you and your prolly better off without him trying to force you to do something your not ready for.
Don't feel that you have to come out to your parents. You live on your own and you're your own man now. What you do with whats inside your trousers is your business. And trust me, I know how difficult it can be to explain to a traditional Asian family. I've been around that community, and especially Pilipeno's (Philipeno is not a word to them as there is no f sound). Live your own life, how you want to not how they want. Be true to yourself and don't suffer. That's the best advice I can give. But if you want someone to talk to, I can talk to you. I have plenty of experience with Asian cultures, especially Pilipeno Kulturas, traditional Chinese, and and Guamanian.
