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My mom won't talk about my gender

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by nightowl88, Jul 2, 2016.

  1. nightowl88

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Watkins glen New York
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Earlier today I told my mother I am ftm transgender and want to start going to male pronouns and a male name at home within the next few weeks. She was kind of disappointed because I am her only daughter and I am going to be her maid of honor at her wedding next year. I mentioned something to my mom how it is not uncommon for women to have a male maid of honor but she really wants me to wear a dress and when she asked me I wasn't admitting i myself I could be trans so I agreed to wear a dress. I don't want my mom to look at different and not ask me to braid her hair or help her find a wedding dress but she won't talk to me about me being transgender now and I know over time she will open up about it and just needs to adjust but I want to know if anyone has any advice for how to get her to open up to me about how she feels about all this. Is it normal to worry my mom will start looking at me like I am a completely different person and I worry that she will decide to ask someone else to be her maid of honor at the wedding which is something that I don't want to happen.
     
  2. mirkku

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Finland
    Gender:
    Female
    Your worries are normal, yes. As for your mother, you mention that her wedding is next year, which might keep her mind preoccupied. Some people are like that about the "big day". They imagine it a certain way, and goodness forbid if things don't go as initially planned. However here, I think she just didn't have time to process anything yet.

    Your announcement is very, very recent. How about you let it go for a few days, then sit down together with your mom and clearly tell her once again that you are a man? You should also tell her that it does not change who you are, and that you truly want to be her 'maid' of honor, regardless of the situation, simply because she is your mom and you love her. The wedding seems still a bit far away, but the sooner you will tell her again about your wishes and your worries, the better, for she will have time to adjust before the event. Altogether you both could do with a "booster" news about your gender. Moreover, if you choose to live as a boy from now on, the wedding date might be so far away that it might feel awful for you to have to live it as a girl then. :/

    May I ask whether there is a possibility that your mother does not want to acknowledge that you are ftm because of her future husband? That she would like to keep it a sort of "secret" up until the wedding so there could be, well, a wedding? That seems a bit dark, so I hope this is not the case, and that you and your - father ? step-father ? - have a good relationship.

    Best of luck! (*hug*)
     
  3. nightowl88

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2016
    Messages:
    128
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    Location:
    Watkins glen New York
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you. I think my mom will adjust over time it's just she usually will talk with me about anything Sonia as the ised to her avoiding the topic. Her fiancé is really nice and won't have a problem with it and will probably just take some time to adjust with my mom but he is very good about everything. I just worry when I come out to my woke family she will continue to call me by my birth name even if she knows I don't want that and my trans friend has that problem with her parents and I see how much it hurts her so I don't want to go through that.