So I've discovered that I'm a trans woman. I've now said it out loud, and talked to a counselor. On the one hand this is pretty sudden since I've only had a true crisis of gender for the last 3 weeks or so. On the other hand after looking back and reexamining my life the signs have all been there (which I knew about) since I was a small child, signs that I misinterpreted or ignored or repressed. So I need to talk to my wife. I want to give us enough time to talk and have her reaction without other plans getting in the way. Problem is she works or is on a trip to we are on vacation until the middle of August! That would be the first time that we would have a day to ourselves potentially. But on the other hand now that I've said these things to myself it feels stifling to keep them hidden. I've been subconsciously hiding myself for over 25 years without knowing it but now the feeling of ACTIVELY hiding myself feels like too much. Help! I need advice. Spring it on her or keep myself hidden!? One choice feels better for her emotions while the other feels better for mine.
In my opinion you should wait until you have some time to yourselves so you can really talk about it. It will give you time to prepare for it too, so you can figure out what kind of questions she might ask and how to respond to them etc. She will probably go through a crisis of her own about your relationship and her sexuality (unless she already identifies as bi or pan), so it would be a good idea to do this when she has some time to think and talk about it. I am sorry you are in such a tough spot, but it doesn't sound like coming out to her right now would be a great idea. But if you can't keep it to yourself until mid-August, perhaps try to do it on a Friday if she has weekends off so she has some time to process it at least? Good luck! (*hug*)
HappyGirlLucky, Thanks. That is what I was leaning toward to be fair to her, it just feels like an awfully long way away and I'm not sure how I'll make it. Side question for those who have spouses to tell: what are your thoughts on coming out to a confidant first before telling a spouse ? I am afraid that it will increase the hurt she might feel, but it may give me an outlet to wait it out.
I think tell her when you are together and she can process. do you think she will be accepting in time? what is her personality?
She is loving, kind and very liberal. We have talked about how we would feel if one of our kids was trans and it wouldn't be an issue. But, and here's the fear, being accepting of people's differences in the abstract is different than accepting your spouses difference. I hope that isn't the case, but I don't think I will know until I out myself to her.
So a quick update. I had another counseling session. It's incredible to me how just using my voice to say the words of the things I'm thinking makes me so much calmer (at least) in the short term. I've decided to try to bide my time until I have enough time to set aside with my wife to talk openly. In addition to that, to help my state of mind and as a practice to telling my wife, I'm planning on telling my best friend. He should be very open and accepting so that feels like a good first step. Wish me luck.
