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No man is an island... except me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Grounded Eagle, Jul 3, 2016.

  1. Grounded Eagle

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    Hi everybody,

    Before I start, here's a quick rundown on me: I'm 26, super shy (it's a real problem), gay and out in a mostly passive way. I have a few gay friends and my FB profile is pretty clear about my orientation (just changed "interested in" to "men" the other day). I came out to my immediate family a few years ago, but they're deeply religious and unsupportive, though we're still very close.

    Okay, so I'm in a new city for the summer, on my own, and it's the gayest place I've ever been. I really didn't expect that in the Midwest. Seriously, I've never seen so many gay couples and rainbow flags before. Thing is, now that I'm in this amazing spot, I have no idea how to take advantage of it. When it comes to actually meeting other gay guys, I just don't know how to do it.

    The advice is always to just put yourself out there, but it's not so simple for me. I go to cafés and bookstores in gay-friendly neighborhoods and wander around or sit there alone because I've used every ounce of mental energy to get myself there and have nothing left to keep pushing on. I'm too shy to make eye contact with guys unless it's expected (like ordering coffee from a barista, etc.), but if someone made the first move to talk to me I think I would probably be fine. But no one does, and I worry that either I'm not attractive or that I give off nervous vibes (I am conscious of this and make huge efforts to relax and smile). I know I can't expect others to do all the work, but I have to have some sort of connection first if I'm to initiate a conversation with a stranger, like being at an event where it's expected to talk to each other.

    Anyways, what I would like is some advice about what to do. I don't do bars because that's just too much for me, and apps are usually geared for hook-ups rather than making friends. There are surprisingly few lgbt meet-up groups (that I can find, anyways), so that's also a dead end. I'm feeling really, really, really lonely here in the middle of everything... :help:
     
  2. Randy

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    Well, there goes my two suggestions: Bars (whoops, almost put bæs)/clubs and apps. Even though, apps are primarily used for hooking up, some friendships do develop from two people on the application. You just have to be crystal clear about what you don't want to get from the application. Now, I have heard of people hooking up and then becoming friends (although the person I know who does this is very weird) subsequent to hooking up. I get that bars are not everybody's scene and it's possibly not yours for the same reason the apps aren't. But, I guarantee you if you do go out to a LGBT bar or club, you'll find yourself in a conversation. Hell, 85% of the conversations you have at whatever LGBT bar or club you go to, you'll already have something in common.
     
  3. Grounded Eagle

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    Thanks for your reply, Randy. I'm a café, bookstore, art museum kind of guy, so it's really depressing to me that the (apparently) only way to meet guys around here is to do the bar thing. Like I said, I'm shy and don't have the social energy or confidence to put myself out there to that degree. Surely there are other gay guys like me out there... :tears:

    Back at home I have the university and my gay friends through which to meet other gay guys (although everyone I've met there is either a tad too young or already in a relationship...), but here I don't have that context. I hate to imagine spending the whole summer feeling so lonely like this, but I'm starting to think I can't help it.

    I might be able to start seeing a local LGBT therapist if my insurance helps cover it, but otherwise I don't see much hope.

    ---------- Post added 4th Jul 2016 at 01:45 PM ----------

    Oh, and I missed Pride by 1 day. I arrived 1 day too late... :bang:
     
    #3 Grounded Eagle, Jul 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2016
  4. TorBror

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    I'm wondering the same thing, actually. I'll try to just be around, and maybe I get lucky. I don't do clubs either, or I won't do... when I'm old enough. It's definitely a difficult position to be in, but I wish the best for you. If you don't do bars, try to be a bit more open to the places you actually do. Alright?
     
    #4 TorBror, Jul 4, 2016
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  5. A Mindful Wolf

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    If the town is super gay like you said, I would assume it's fairly safe to be "out" openly? You could try wearing a rainbow bracelet of badge or something, just to show people you're gay, or at least supporter of LGBT stuff and wouldn't be offended if someone hit on you.
    I don't recommend bars for the type of person you describe yourself as...I can guarantee someone will probably just want to fuck you.
     
  6. yuanzi

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    You can't just sit there and expect people to approach you... The coffee shops I go to usually have tons of very attractive young girls sitting there and I don't ever see any guy approaching them. Actually I have heard many people say it is 'creepy' to hit on strangers like that.

    I like bars a lot but I agree with the loud music and tipsy people, it is hard to make a connection unless you already know the person beforehand. Does the city have lgbt socials/potlucks/etc?
     
  7. Grounded Eagle

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    Yuanzi, like I said, I know I can't expect other people to do that. But you're right, I guess that could potentially be kind of creepy... Still, though, I hear stories about gay couples meeting by chance or through friends of friends all the time, so I know it happens. I just want to make gay friends in a non-hookup context. I haven't had success looking for lgbt events (not involving bars), but if I could find one that I felt comfortable with, I'd be all over that. :slight_smile:
     
  8. TorBror

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    I guess it's easier for gays to approach you if they know you're gay. I don't know if it helps, but you could use a lgbt wristband?
     
  9. lonewolf79

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    Grounded Eagle... I am the same... and here I am, 36 years old.. I recently returned to my home country after almost 7 years abroad and I have no gay friends in my own city. I didn't have much luck abroad either and I, like you, am not at all into bars or clubs.
    I have some friends who want to introduce me to friends they have.. which is cool, but I am shy ... really shy. I told them... give me a little time, let me get my head around it etc... I joined EC to make friends and I have made some... and hopefully it can happen in real life.
    I hope it happens for you too. Sincerely. Us shy guys tend to stick together.

    Not sure how long you've been on this site, but welcome to EC :slight_smile:
     
  10. Grounded Eagle

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    Thanks Capitonius :slight_smile: It makes me happy to know there are others like me. I'm not very familiar with your country. Is it hard to be LGBT there?
     
  11. Calf

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    Have you considered contacting local venues that you enjoy, such as the café, bookstores or museums/ galleries, to see if they host or support any gay events? When I was first 'out' I used to go to a bookshop that hosted poetry and book reading events in the café area a couple of times a month which was a great way of meeting open minded people , who were either gay or had gay friends etc.
    As you're shy about it, you could just send an email to their enquiries team at no cost.

    If you are sitting around waiting for someone to talk to you (which may happen) try to make sure that you are approachable. Casually browse a magazine but don't get stuck in a book, try not to keep looking at your phone or watch and avoid glancing at the door.

    If you're in the museum or gallery you could try and prompt a conversation by asking a simple open question such as 'what do you think of ..?' or 'what do you think was the inspiration?' etc. I know that would be you instigating it but if you pre plan your approach questions it should make it more manageable. Getting somebody to give their opinion on art is a great way to get a glimpse of their personality too.
     
  12. lonewolf79

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    Hey there,

    I am happy too to know there are others like me :slight_smile:

    Being LGBT here is actually OK. Same-sex marriage is even legal here. It was legalised back in 2006. Our constitution protects LGBT rights too. I live in Cape Town which according to some, is the most gay friendly city in South Africa and it's high on the list for gay tourism.
    There are some areas of course where one wouldn't want to be totally open but generally no one minds or cares. I see many couples walking hand in hand and for me it's a shock coming back after being in Korea...
     
  13. Grounded Eagle

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    Calf, this is some really good advice. Thank you so much! (*hug*)
     
  14. Shorthaul

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    If you want to meet people who are into the same things you are, go to those places. Personally I would be more interested in someone at a museum than any bar.
     
  15. lonewolf79

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    I actually like these ideas too. I am totally into doing these kinds of things... :slight_smile: I should look up these in Cape Town :icon_wink
    I like going to recitals and concerts. I play classical so going to listen is also good fun. Perhaps a good way to meet people too.