Labels...

I like to say that labels don't define you, you define you. Questioning is a fine label until everything gets workes out. You can even say bi, and change later. I've been basically every sexuality there is, and I just now finally feel okay with my identity. It's a journey, but you can change all you want, and get the people out of your life who don't accept your journey to find your identity.

 

Hi bluebellie01!,

I know the situation you are in right now, so this advice is written from personal experience. As you say, you are quite young and and have not yet a secure sense of self.

''just wait and see, you don't have to decide right now'' is really the only advice one can give, but as you said, it is very difficult, no, frustrating to hear that, because it doesn't lead you anywhere. Fine okay, then what?

You have to keep in mind that maybe you will never know what your sexual orientation is, but maybe you will known within a few years. What you get to hear is basically an advice to live with the unkown and to accept that.

I got sleepless nights, got huge anxiety and felt low and numb all the time because of it. I really had to accept it, because this situation held me back in many ways. School was difficult, friendships hard to maintain, etc. Ok so what I did when I was in your situation was to completely let got of everything regarding questioning my sexuality and told myself to go and get me healthy first, before any experiencing/experimenting/questioning with sexuality.

So I let go and focused on other things, I HAD to. I listened to music, got out and walked many many times, I ate, AND I wrote all the anxiety feelings I had for the day in a book. Nobody could judge me, paper doesn't judge.

I focused on my senses. That's what I do in general btw when I have the tendency to lay in bed all day and feel numb, I go back to my sensing: hearing, seeing, feeling. I feel the bed I am in INTENSELY. feel how soft it is exactly and to just completely be absorbed by the moment, because that is one of life's most important lessons, live in the moment. Those cliche quotes written on t-shirts for teenagers have maybe a purpose after all...

When I concentrated on other things, like what food I liked and why, I started to feel better, getting less anxiety and generally felt like it should not be a big deal what label I felt like fitted. Yes, ok, sometimes I am really frustrated as well that I can't get a grip on me, but then I think about the other things that make me me and concentrate on that for now on.

I even did it when I did not even know what my hobbies were, did not know why I listened to certain music, etc. Basically knew nothing of myself.

Everybody still doesn't know who they are sometimes and sometimes they do, it is a feeling everybody of every age experiences.

I still feel anxiety and cry a lot, but a lot less than it has been. I write my thoughts down, draw for a bit (whatever i see in front of me), tuck the booklet in a safe space where nobody can find it and go out for a walk. Maybe talking to a friend helps as well, I don't do it, but for you it can help!

I wish you all the best, have a nice day

 

Part of what you may be running into is that there's a lot of information out there on how people can identify. It can be really confusing for people, especially when you're coming at it for the first time!

So, a couple thoughts, in the interest of starting with the basics:

First, in general, the question of sexual orientation is only really meant to tell what gender you are attracted to. The thing to keep in mind is, being attracted to men and being attracted to women are not mutually exclusive questions - many people are attracted to both. So, go back to the start and ask yourself, how often and how strongly do I feel attracted to people who identify as male? How often/strongly do I feel attracted to people who identify as female? And so on (non-binary, etc., insofar as you want to pursue the question at this point).

Second, it's less commonly used now, but at various points in recent LGBT history the term "queer" has been used as an umbrella term to signify the LGBT community as a whole. So, identifying as queer was basically a way of saying "I'm not straight" (which does not mean, to clarify, that, as a woman, you're not attracted to men - it just means that if that is the case, then it's not the whole story). It's also used as an answer when people may not want to disclose specific details of their sexuality - say, in a professional setting. "My queer identity" signifies that I'm not straight, and that I'm part of the LGBT community, but doesn't necessarily detail to, say, a new coworker what gender or genders I'm attracted to. In other words, it's precise, without being specific.

Hope that helps to whatever degree!