I'm going to overthink myself to death

Hello all,

I'm coming to this forum because I'm not sure what to believe anymore. Trying to organize my thoughts will be a challenge. I'll get started on that process as best as I can.

While most people have realized they are queer early in life, suppressed those feelings until later, and once they came to terms with those feelings they have this cathartic moment that they've known all along (whether or not they choose to accept it), my story has been one of confusion and mental exhaustion. Looking back, there are things that are probably not typical for straight people, but I don't know if they're indicators of anything else or not. Why was I so obsessed with certain female characters, to the point where I would always draw them or try to talk like them, and why was I so ashamed of this obsession deep-down? Is it unusual that I really enjoyed when female nurses performed their examinations? I'm pretty sure I had a childhood TV show crush, but is that really what it was?

It was seventh grade where I remember seeing a "real pretty girl who wasn't just in the pictures" for the first time. I'm cringing writing this... I admired her straight blonde hair, blue eyes, and the way her butt looked in her navy-blue yoga pants. After that I wanted yoga pants because I wanted to look the same way in them. I can't say I had a crush on her, I just couldn't believe girls like her existed.

Then came eighth grade. I found it strange that I didn't have any male crushes throughout my two years in middle school, so I thought I was asexual and left it at that. Then I started thinking -- "what if I like girls?" So I started looking at girls in "that way" and found that there was a girl in my class who was very attractive. Again, I never had a crush on her with the "butterflies", but I was obsessed with her hair, eyes, hips, how soft she appeared to be... I would go through her Facebook pictures frequently. We talked a bit, as acquaintances. Being a very awkward kid, I never really put the effort in to become closer with her. I didn't feel we had much of a connection anyway.

High school happened next (of course.) There were points where there was not a doubt in my mind I was queer, and points where I'd lose sleep trying to unlock this hidden answer inside of me, as if the other "a-ha" moments I experienced weren't enough. Like the time I had my first "real" kiss with a girl, who happened to be one of my closest friends who also happened to be queer. Mind you, it was truth-or-dare and it was no huge dreamy makeout session. The effect it had on me was still embarrassingly intoxicating. I couldn't think straight (haha) for at least two days. None of my homework got done, going to track and field practice was a disaster because I couldn't focus on any of my exercises, and I wrote songs that I thankfully don't remember any of the words to about it.

My crushes on girls have always been short and forgettable. In high school, I was constantly around the same people, none of which were all that attractive in my eyes. At the same time, I know if I met a girl who I really did hit it off well with, I would not be repulsed in the slightest. In fact, I would welcome it. I really do love girls and have interest in dating them.

But I feel like I've talked myself into these feelings and I'm believing a web of lies I've created for myself. It's just so hard because I find girls attractive, I could see myself with one, I have liked girls and my experiences with girls, plenty of my fantasies (cringing again) have been with girls and I've enjoyed them... I just don't know if it's all made-up, rooted in those middle-school instances.

I just see girls as attractive in a different way than boys. I don't know if this means my attraction to them is all idealistic forced-feelings bullshit I've manufactured in my mind, or if I see them differently because I am one, and most of my friends are too, and because I am attracted to guys as well. But it's not!! Because girls ARE really hot!!

The crushes I have had on boys have been your stereotypical "butterflies" crush. I know that with a girl, that would take time to develop as I would get to know her. I haven't had a female best friend since elementary school, or any extremely close friend for that matter.

I'm currently dating a guy, but I'm really not into him and want to end it soon. It has nothing to do with gender, he's just not a great fit personality-wise for me. He's been out of state for a couple weeks, and I'm not gonna lie, it's nice. All of our conversations feel forced, and while he's a pretty good kisser, I feel no "sparks." Not like that one time I kissed the girl.

I confronted myself lately -- "you're probably not actually queer." I'm trying to look at girls and say "you don't like that." I can't tell if it's working or not. It's just making me more frustrated. Now I'm finding myself trying to look at guys and girls and trying to get turned on by both, watching lesbian porn and seeing if I like it (I do), and all this other stuff... I wish I could take a step back, not think about this for a while, and go back to my previous mindset of "if I like someone and they're a boy, fine, a girl, fine, perhaps somewhere in-between, also fine, it's a case-by-case basis so who really cares until I'm dating 'em?" Too bad I've overthinked (overthunk?) myself straight to hell.

I don't even know why I'm posting all of this -- I just need to say something to someone. I've put off coming out because what if it is just a phase? A phase that's lasted me well into young adulthood -- I just graduated high school, and my "feelings?" for girls are still there. I still want a relationship with a girl more than anything. I really wanted that to be my first relationship, not the guy I'm with right now. Sorry for all the weird contradictions. I don't think I even said everything I need to say. If I think of anything else, I'll post it.