hey guys. havent posted in a while. been trying that thing where i just surpress my feeelings towards men and pretend to be straight and alpha male. long story short, hasnt worked. i went to hang out with my gay friend ive always found attractive, and almost cheated on my gf. this was a few months ago. i felt too guilty about it and couldnt go through with it. ive been with my gf a year and a half now and i am totally in love with her. i find her sexually attractive and the sex is great. but theres a part in me that always wants to be with men. i dont want to have sex with other women, because she satisfies my 'hetero' urges, but obviously she cant satisfy me in the way a man could. i came out to her last night. i was scared as hell!!! heart racing and all that. she simply said 'thats ok baby i love you. im bi too but was too nervous to tell you' . but she has never been with a women. only fantasized about it. i told her i had been with 3 men. i told her i would never cheat on her, but i do get urges to sleep with men and not women. i was totally honest with her and it felt good after. but saying the words outloud i felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. i guess im still not comfortable with knowing im bisexual. i want to be with her, and eventually get married and have kids. but i also want to explore my sexuality by hanging out with gay friends as well as sleeping with other men, and just experience what its like to be an 'out ' male. sorry for the long post guys!!!! i just dont know if i should break up with her to sleep around or cheat on her, which i couldnt ever live with. shes not ok with the idea of a 3some or me just sleeping with men occasionaly. i dont want to lose her but i need to satisfy these urges!!!! aghhhhh!!!!!!!!!
I don't even know why cheating seems to be a valid option in your mind. Cheating is extremely selfish and can damage your girlfriend's trust in people for a very long time, and she is innocent in all of this. You have no right to do that to her and you will lose her either way. That said, you obviously need to break up with her if she is not interested in having an open relationship while you have a need to have sex with men. If she is monogamous and expects the same from you, but you cannot uphold those values then there is only one option. There is absolutely nothing wrong with polygamy but you need to find suitable partners and your girlfriend does not seem to be one. Break up and look for polyamorous partners so you can satisfy your needs for both genders in the future.
i know thats the only option but i am scared to break up with her and scared to be alone. i dont have the courage to come out to my family or anyone else yet and am worried i will be alone scared and miserable if i leave her. i also love her very much and want to be with her . i dont want to hurt her in any way. i know thats not a good reason to stay with anyone... but i guess i am weak ---------- Post added 10th Jul 2016 at 06:58 AM ---------- .
I recently went through this myself, but made the horrible mistake of cheating. I have a very understanding and sympathetic girlfriend, we are still together and she's even agreed to let see men, but our relationship has been damaged and she is still uncomfortable if I mention anything "gay". I'm having to tiptoe in conversations now because she's been so hurt by my actions. She's comfortable with me liking men and even sleeping with other people, but anything that reminds her that I'm bisexual also reminds her that I cheated, and it still hurts. Do. Not. Cheat.
I will echo the don't cheat. I just came out after 30 years married. I almost cheated and it freaked me out so I came clean. My wife is cool with my sexuality and is open to me having some fun with men but we haven't figured it out yet. You may have to chose if you are bi to be monogamous. But I will say the urges get stronger through the years especially if your sex drive and your gf is divergent. Talk to your gf and tell her you really need some male time and see what she would consider acceptable. If the answer is absolutely none, you may need to end the relationship. You will someday resent her for the loss of your gay sex. I did this and it was not a good thing to do to my wife.
hey guys . thanks for all the advice. i really appreciate it. i came out to my mother as well today, and she told me she had a feeling i was and was totally ok with it. my gf and i decided to stay together, and she is open to the idea of me being with men and is totally fine with me being bi. she is very open sexualy with me and lets me try things with her as well, which helps. i always had to hide my sex toys from her, but now she is open to the idea of doing that stuff with me . sorry if its too much info. i think if she wasnt open to me being with men, then i wouldnt be with her. but i explained i dont want to be with other women, because she satisfies my hetero urges. but she cannot satisfy me like a man can. she loves me very much and i think thats why she agreed to it. thanks guys!!!
I am really happy to hear things worked out between you and your girlfriend, that is really great!! Congratulations on coming out to your mom too!
Good for you. I wish I would have done what you did a lot sooner. Your GF is great to recognize your needs and is willing to accommodate them. A word of advice...always be sure she is getting what she needs!
thanks. she is not 100% ok with it but understands that is the only way our relationship will work. i dont want to cheat on her, and i dont want to resent her while were together for not letting me be who i am. she is bi so i told her i am open to her being with women if she wants to, but she says she doesnt feel the same urge as i do with men. hopefully it will work
I'm in the same situation but married and it makes me feel guilty to be with anyone other than my wife. She's more forgiving of it than I am, quite actually. It makes me feel like I'm a bit dishonest, and lack integrity, but that's something I have to deal with.
I think before you actually go out and hook up with any guys, you need to have probably a series of deep, vulnerable, authentic conversations with her. When you say "she is not 100% OK with it but understands it's the only way our relationship will work" what you're essentially saying, as I hear it, is "She doesn't want me to do this, but she's even more concerned about losing the relationship." And that really isn't OK, at least in my book. She deserves a relationship that she feels good about, not one that she settles for because she's afraid of being alone. So I would suggest you continue to discuss it. This might mean that the relationship isn't viable in the long term, but it would be better (in my opinon) if the two of you work through the issue and come to that resolution rather than her claiming she's willing to accept it and then feeling like shit when you decide to go and act on your feelings.
VERY few people are actually okay with infidelity outside of a relationship. Like Chip said you need to have a serious, grown up conversation about this and the state of your relationship.
I agree with Chip and Guitar. If she's not ok with this then It's not really ok for you to sleep with men. She may only be saying that to keep the relationship, but in the long term it can destroy her. Please find out her honest feelings first. You may have to end this relationship to get what you want.
She has given you the green light so you are good to go. If she truly isn't ok with it then she shouldn't have consented. You can talk this thing to death all you want but it seems you have been clear about where you stand and what your needs are. I can't think of any major decision in a relationship where my wife and I are both 100% comfortable. There are frequent compromises in all relationships. If you keep talking about it you will end up going in circles. That said there should be ongoing communication. If she has some reservation you should definitely find out if it can be addressed. Checking in, and giving reassurance once you begin seeing another person would also be important. It's possible that she may change her mind so you should be prepared for that. While she may not be interested in seeing a woman now this will probably change at some point. She will have a big advantage in being with another bisexual who understands the roller coaster.
you all have good points. "zen fix" - i agree. i think right now she says shes not interested in another woman, but we have only been together a year and a half. im sure eventually she will feel the same or similar urges and want to act on it. "chip, guitar, loli21" - we definitely need to talk about it more. but i have been clear about my needs and i think she understands it. for me being with men is purely physical. i have only ever had emotional attatchments to women and i am totally in love with my girlfriend. but her fear is that if i am with a man/men, i will fall in love with one of them and leave her. so it is not the infidelity that concerns her, but rather her fear of me falling for one of these men. which in my mind will never happen.
Never dated but can relate to those urges. Best thing is trust & honesty. If she says it's okay for you to mingle with other men she already consented to it. If you feel uneasy about it still then don't do it. As long as you love her than make her happy in the best ways you can. Wishing it works out between y'all much love!
