I'm 18, and recently came out to a couple of friends. They were very supportive, but I still feel such shame and embarrassment about liking girls. Every time I feel an attraction to another girl I just immediately feel dirty, and fear that if they knew I liked them, they'd see me as a pervert. I grew up in a Jewish school where it was taught that homosexuality is wrong, but I never accepted this and always argued back against the rabbis who said this. When it comes to other LGBT people, I have no feelings of negativity whatsoever, yet I feel this shame at who I, personally, am attracted to. Does anybody know how I can overcome feeling so awkward and embarrassed about who I am? Thanks so much
First of all, you shouldn't be embarrassed. You like who you like, and that's just how it is. Secondly, try to speak to other LGBT people in your community (or if that's scary, you could always find nice people on this forum). If you talk to other people feeling the same way as you do, I'm sure you'll overcome it. I wish you the best of lucks! (*hug*)
Thankyou for this, this is what I needed to hear. I'm guessing it is probably just my feelings of fear at how I know some people will perceive me. Did you ever feel shame, or have you always been confident?
Hey try not to be too hard on yourself, it can be tough coming to terms with sexuality. It is still all very new to you. I am assuming from things you have said in your post that you dont have any LGBT friends is that correct?
No probs! Yeah, there's always someone with a bad attitude, but the best way is to avoid them. I've never felt shame, but I've sure been quite scared of how my life was going to turn out. I still have a lot of time to find out, but I'm now sure it won't be as bad as I once imagined. x))
Hi Leminx The feelings that you are experiencing are quite normal. The vast majority of us go through a period of shame. It’s caused by the overwhelming heteronormative exposer that we are constantly fed, and the attitudes of our family, friends and colleagues who all assume that we are straight. There is an excellent TED talk my Brené Brown on shame which I recommend you watch. Also, don’t forget what the opposite of shame is! https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en (*hug*)
hey! congrats for coming out to a few friends. i recently came out to my mother and my girlfriend that i am bi and they were totally accepting. i relate to your feelings of shame as well. when i have feelings about a man, or when i act on those feelings i feel disgusted with myself and so much shame and regret after. although in the moment i am loving every minute of it. i think its just the way were brought up, i was brought in a very catholic family so i understand. i always felt i had to be alpha male in every way and being gay was the complete oposite of it. i think you are a strong beautiful woman and there is nothing wrong with what you are thinking or feeling. you will start to feel less shame with yourself when you truly embrace who you are and start talking to other people in the same position as you, like other people in the lgbt community. good luck!!!!
I was ashamed too. Don't worry, this is not permanent, it just happens for a while. Coming out is a challenge. I tried to avoid it as much as possible from the same alone! Don't let this happen to you. Be confident. Be strong.
Exactly the same for me, tho not Catholic, and a lot of males are raised that way. IT'S EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLING. It's even sometimes called "gay" for a guy to go down on a girl by some. That makes me think, what the hell is wrong with people?
I'm hoping that the feelings will subside once I become more involved in the LGBT community when I leave home. I have a gay friend who lives in a different city to me, but my mum's negative reactions whenever I talk about him or meet up about him just makes me more anxious about my own sexuality. She always refers to him as 'your gay friend.'
I can relate a lot to this. this is something I have struggled with too. it is totally normal. it really depends on your social situation also. it helps a lot to talk with other lgbt people, even if just online. I think if you keep it to yourself, it becomes a dark secret, and whilst you are doing so you are also being attacked with information that you are abnormal etc. it isn't good for a persons mind. the only way to help those feelings, I think, is to talk about them with people you feel comfortable with. it becomes easier<3
If you're new to being out (and especially if you come from a religious background) the feeling should fade with time.
Thankyou so much, I just watched that talk and it was really helpful. At what point did your shame begin to subside if you don't mind me asking?
(*hug*)[/QUOTE] Thankyou so much, I just watched that talk and it was really helpful. At what point did your shame begin to subside if you don't mind me asking?[/QUOTE] I don't know is the honest answer! I grew up in a very different time to you with no access to sites like these. But I would say in the last couple of years, but I didn't realise I was feeling shame as such before that. Don't panic though, I couldn't start the process of getting out of it until I knew I was feeling it!
Been there! Yeah, the shame is to be expected given what you've been taught, but also it will lessen with time and then probably go away completely. Ideally it will be replaced by pride and joy. You just need to get out into the world and meet more people who are the same as you and are at home with themselves and you can see how it is. It's better to make yourself part of an accepting community so you can learn to accept yourself for the wonderful person you are!
Your feelings are completely justified but dont give up. Sometimes parents feelings change when it is their own son or daughter. There is no rush but perhaps when you do tell her you can get some information to give to her that might help her understand. Do you have plans to move away from home?
I never really felt shame, my family is pretty open so I felt mostly comfortable when I came out, but I also only came out when I met my girlfriend. There were a few people that had to adjust, mostly my mom and dad but they had already known that I was gay maybe it was just the confirmation that got them. I don't feel comfortable with holding my girlfriend's hand in public though or any sort of PDA. Not sure if that is shame or fear.
I used to have such strong feelings of shame, but they have recently faded somewhat. I too was afraid that other people would think that I'm "dirty" or "slutty" or "disgusting" etc. I sometimes have a twinge of guilt when I ogle at girls, but remember that you are not harming anybody, it's just your innate sexual preference, you're not doing anything wrong, and therefore you shouldn't be ashamed. (&&&)
I come from a pretty liberal Jewish family.. Weirder things have happened. I'm bisexual, I have a gay cousin and a transgender (male to female) cousin. My point is, your feelings of shame probably come from what you have always been taught even if you fought against it. I'm struggling with this myself. It's hard to be seen as "different" in society. Society expects us all to be straight and when you aren't it creates embarrassment because you feel like you have to hide your feelings. I'm 33 and I have hidden my feelings since I was a few years older than you. I wish I hadn't. I just came out yesterday to my husband. Good luck to you and good job on being brave enough to come out to your friends.
I used to be like you and felt ashamed that I was a lesbian. I was particularly embarrassed about other people judging me for being gay. But time really does help. Over the years I've got more used to it and just accepted that life's too short to dwell on yourself or care what others might or might not think about you. Good luck
