Hello all. I'm in need of advice. I've never found girls sexually attractive (I mean, they're pretty but, you get the idea), yet I've always imagined myself with a girl. As for guys, I've been sexually attracted to them for as long as can remember, but I never felt attracted to them in a romantic way. Until last December, at least. Basically, there's this guy in my class who I always thought really attractive, but I don't think I felt romantically attracted to him. I don't know, something happened and I somehow realized I was in love with him. At first I was shocked when I realized it. I didn't really have enough time to be in denial about my sexuality since I didn't know what I was going to do. I was so blind and convinced that I could be with him. I did poorly at school that time because I was so focused on him and I was trying to interact with him but I didn't know how to approach. Having made no progress at all, I realized I've been lying to myself: I won't ever be with him. I knew that, and yet I continued on, thinking there still might be a way. I also realized I could lose him at any time and that didn't go so well as I was already in too deep. I couldn't exactly live without him. I got jealous, angry and sad when I would see him flirting with a girl. One day I heard him confess that he's fallen in love. Let the heartbreak begin! I've shifted from loving him to not loving him to loving him again many times. I did so many things to get his attention but none of them worked. I've been trying to come up with a plan to tell him all year, but I never felt ready or confident enough to tell him I have feelings for him because that would also give away the fact that I'm either gay or bi, which for the record is a bad thing. You see, my classmates are pretty homophobic, and I was very depressed and suicical at that time, so I had no self esteem. After coming to conclusion that telling him is probably a bad idea, I started thinking that being friends with him is out of the question and that I might have to refrain from interacting with him. I was trying to find things about him that I hate, but no results. However, a few days later I did end up hating him for some reason, which I suppose did the trick. I didn't really mind seeing him kissing another girl anymore. The thing is, I haven't fully gotten rid of these feelings. I still feel something for him. I think about him. I have 1 year left of high school, meaning I have to see him for another year, and people are already suspecting me not being straight because I've never talked about girls with them. Lately I've been feeling awful again and I just really hate myself. I feel like I'm a disappointment for everyone and I wish I had never been born. I have no future. Why did I have to fall in love with him? None of this would have happened if I didn't fall in love with him. I just can't believe how lately I've been a lot more into guys than girls. As for the guy, seven months later and I still have no plan. Should I tell him? I don't know what to do anymore. If I tell him, everyone would find out, including my parents, but I'm just so sick of all this and want to tell him and get it over with. TLDR: I realized I like guys romantically after falling in love with a friend and I've wanted to tell him that I love him but couldn't because I would out myself to all the homophobic people around me, so I came up with another plan which is starting to fail and I'm going back to square one again.
I was in a situation many years ago that lasted several years and had a lot of the features of your situation. From what you've written, I think the consequences for you of telling him outweigh the potential benefits. It appears unlikely to change the situation with him, but it will potentially makes things worse for you. It does not sound like you are prepared for those consequences, and they really could threaten your well being. Could you find a counselor to tell about this? That does not have a down side--it is confidential and you will be able to get some necessary feedback. For now, it appears the person you are focused on is interested in women.
Feels to some extent like it was a teenage obsession as much as anything else... that's not intended as an insult either. Try to step back and think about it in a long-term sense. Are there are any other guys you felt that way about? Are you really sexually attracted to women, if so, how often? It could be something that kind of comes in waves, like it does for me.
Falling in love isn't really something you can control. I know how it feels to love someone really much but not being loved back by that person. It's not easy to handle, it's absolutely not. You stated that you have to see him for one more year. This might be a crappy suggestion, but could you consider to push yourself through that last one year, then to never see him again after that, I suppose? Perhaps it will fade away and gradually disappear completely. Focus on homework, a sport, or something else you enjoy doing. Being in love really occupies your mind, I know, but it surely won't get any better by thinking about it all the time.
