Hi, I've never posted on here before but its got to the point were I just need to say something and this seems the best place. I'm 24 and have got Gender Identity Disorder. I was born male but always wanted to be a girl. As most people probably do with anything like this I do suffer with depression. Over the last year my depression has got so bad a day wouldn't pass without me thinking about suicide. In February this year I needed to tell someone. The one person I've always been closest to is my sister and I couldn't think of anyone else I could possibly talk to. Unfortunately my sister is only 14. I knew she was too young but I thought it would be better to tell her than if it got to a point were I did something to myself and I wasn't there for her at all. At first I told her about depression, she was amazing, she tried everything she could to help me. No matter how upset I was, she would always try her best to cheer me up. I don't live with my sister but even when we weren't together she would still text me and just talking to her would make everything better. A couple of weeks ago I told her I was transgender. I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life. Once again my sister was so supportive, she accepted me straight away, I felt the happiest I've been in a long time. I wish the story could end there. The reason why my depression was getting worse wasn't because of my gender issues. I noticed a couple of years ago that my sister didn't seem to want to spend as much time with me. She always used to text me every weekend if I was coming round to see her and would always want me to help her with homework and just generally want to be with me but all of this started happening less and less. At first I didn't think much of it and just assumed it was because she was getting older and had become a teenager. After a couple more months it definitely seemed like something was wrong. This caused my depression to get worse and it made me feel alone but she was still the only person I could tell. Over the last couple of months this seemed to be happening more, even though she knew about my depression. We would make plans to do stuff on the weekends like go shopping but most times she would text me on the morning that we were going out saying she was busy and couldn't go. She has gone on holiday with the school this week so we planned to do stuff last weekend before she went. On Friday night she text me saying saying she was busy for the whole weekend and I wouldn't be able to see her at all. I got really upset, so bad I started having panic attacks and passing out. My sister video called me and everything did she could to calm me down. I couldn't do anything, all I could think about is that my sister hated me, and she was saying she was busy so she wouldn't have to be with me. I realised that this was far to much for her to cope with so I told her to go and tell her mum about my depression. I didn't want her to tell her on her own but I was in know fit state to drive. The next morning I text my mum and my sister to make sure everything was OK. On Sunday my sister text me saying she was home for a bit and I could go round to see her. Everything seemed to be alright when I got there and my mum didn't say anything to me. Later on in the day I started talking to my mum. Once again I was so scared, she asked me about my depression and then went on to tell me she knew I was transgender as well. I didn't want my sister to tell her that but I think she did it to help me. She also told me that she (my mum) had told my dad. Then I found out why my sister had been avoiding me. My mum said for the last few years her and my dad thought I was in a sexual relationship with my sister!!!!!!! I felt sick. I was no longer thinking about my depression or them finding out I was transgender. She said that a couple of years ago they, told my sister they thought this and told her to spend less time with me. My sister must of only been about 11 or 12 when they told her this. I don't know why they didn't tell me. I felt awful. I was now even more worried about my sister. For years she was under pressure, being watched by our parents all the time. Then for the last few months she was trying to help me with my depression while not being able to see me. I can't believe I was so wrong. I can't believe anyone would think this, especially my parents. Maybe the last couple of months when my sister knew about my depression and when we were together she would hug me and hold my hand to make me feel better but not for the last few years!! My sister would only of been 10 or 11 when they started to think this. They have basically accused me of being a paedophile!!!!!! I don't know how I can ever make this up to my sister. I don't think my parents are accepting me being transgender very well even though they have said they're ok with it but this is now the least of my worries. After talking to both my mum and dad together, this is not any better. I don't know if I can forgive them for even thinking this. I don't know what to do. I know this is highly unlikely but if anyone has experienced anything like this before, I would really appreciate any help or advice. I apologise for this being so long and that I've said 'she' and 'her' a lot but I didn't feel conformable using names. Thank you for reading. Jess xx
Try to work it out. I won't try and predict your family landscape, but if it doesn't work out just leave. I guess that's hard to do but if you can't mend anything, opting out is always an option on the table. I'm not even sure if that'll kill you before you succeed, but at the end of the day you've got no one but yourself unless you make connections with people somewhere, whether they're your family or friends. and even having no one but yourself is an option. Nothing wrong with being separated from your family or even being a lone wolf. If you don't have clinical help for your depression, get yourself a therapist. There is no substitute for a professional, ever. if you get a garbage one, change to another, and another, until you get one that works.
Id tell your sister u never ever had any thoughts like that towards her she shouldn't only be listening to her parents, she should ask u how u feel about her, if u have any crushes open up to her it might make her feel better if she knows u like someone w
Your relationship with your sister is innapropriate. As the adult this falls squarely on your shoulders. I say this without malice, I don't think you're a pedophile, but because you need to make some changes if you want a relationship with your sister. A person in their twenties can't take their serious problems to a kid. They have no idea how to process any of this. Then in addition you are expecting some level of confidence/secrecy which adds to their burden. You say you had been seriously depressed with frequent thoughts of suicide. You told only your sister who tries to "cheer you up". What would have happened if you had hurt or killed yourself? How much guilt would she feel for not saving you? I recommend getting a therapist. Then apologize to your sister with your parents present. Let them know you understand it was wrong to dump your problems on her and it will never happen again. Tell her it isn't her responsibility to cheer you up or make things better for you, and that you are seeking professional help for this. Then make good on your word and work on getting healthy.
Thanks for all your replies. Reflect Manta: I do realize this is an option but I am hoping it is a last resort. emilyplaziac22: I haven't really had chance to talk to my sister since I found out about this with her going on holiday but I will defiantly make sure she knows I have no feelings towards her. Zen fix: I have already apologised to my sister and I know I can not apologise enough. I have told her I will be going to see a doctor in the next couple of weeks. I'm not going to shut her out of it completly though, I've said she can be as involved as she wants and she can always ask me anything, she may want to have the option to see things getting better rather than me hiding it and pretending to her. Do you think it would be better if my parents apologise to her as well for making her think all them things for the last few years? I think I need to tell someone else about all of this, someone who my sister feels comfortable talking to as well. Maybe an older cousin or an aunt. Quite often it is difficult to talk to your parents about this stuff so I think it will be better for both of us and at least my sister has someone she can talk to if she needs. I'm not really ready for anyone else to find out yet but it's the least I can do considering what myself and my parents have put her through. Obviously telling her about the depression was wrong but what about being Transgender. Do I just go back to being her brother or do you think it would be wrong to try and cover up the feelings of wanting to be a girl. I know I've only told 3 people but it was clear that my sister has accepted me and my parents haven't. Thanks again for the advice, some of it is hard to hear but I've messed things up so bad that I need to try and make it right again.
As long as it's through your parents or while in their presence I think it's fine to tell her about some of that stuff. You've made huge progress in coming out and I don't think you should go back in. The problem is in having her be your sole outlet and support. It seems your parents realized sometime ago that there was something odd going on between you. For some reason they believed there may have been something of a sexual nature going on as well. Whatever the case was they were alarmed enough to tell her to limit her contact with you. Do they know you apologized to her? If not I think you should tell them but I don't think you need to apologize repeatedly. Once is enough, maybe twice if you think you folks need the reassurance. I understand you feel they were wrong especially in how they told your sister. But that's the situation you have to deal with now. This is why I suggest putting your focus on getting healthy. I don't know exactly what that is for you but therapy is a start and possibly planning to transition if you decide that's your path. What I know about trans issues you could probably fit on the tip of a ballpoint pen. But with your family your responsibility after this misstep is keeping things above board and reassuring them it won't happen again. If you are worried about what your sister may be feeling you have to take it to your parents and let them deal with it. I am also an older brother and a parent of kids, the oldest also being a boy. The age gap between the boys and girls is only four years rather than ten. I would think it odd if any of us were as close as you describe but some of that may be differences in our family dynamics. I don't want to jump to conclusions but I have read your post several times and each time the alarm bells get louder. Your parents were absolutely justified in telling your sister to pull back on her contact with you. You don't seem to have a good understanding of why your parents thought something was off. Also keep in mind that when it comes to your parent's acceptance this is a bombshell. There's a lot they probably don't understand but they will know this; they are losing their son and they can't do anything about it. For you it may be "Hey I'm still me and in making changes that will help me feel like a whole person. I'll be happy and healthy once we get through this." for them, at this time, it's probably like getting their hearts ripped out every time they think about it. They are naturally going to be much more protective of any kid still living under their roof. You may get your relationship back with your sister someday but later. Focus on your health and well-being right now.
I am concerned that my parents won't want me talk about anything to do with being a girl at all, even if it's about simple things like clothes and makeup. While they don't accept it, they think it's a bad thing and they might even think it does come under the same mental health category as depression. My sister has accepted me and if I suddenly don't talk about it anymore, she may think I'm shutting her out. I could end up going from telling her to much to not telling her anything and pushing her away. I understand what you mean about her being my sole support, I think I am defiantly going to tell someone else in my family. It will be better for me and my sister. I know it's hard to hear as a parent but there's a lot of things that are awkward to talk about with your parents. Before my sister went on holiday I told my parents I would talk to my sister and apologise so they do know. I do think my parents were wrong. I could understand over the past few months as we were obviously closer after I told my sister about my depression but my parents thought this had been going on for years. The main reason why they thought there was something going on (and they actually told me this) because I was in her room helping her with some homework. I have another sister as well who is currently 12 and we spent the same amount of time together but they never thought anything about that. If they were so concerned then why did they not come in to see what we were doing. I think it is this situation that I am struggling to deal with. Considering my parents have just found out about what will probably be the biggest secret of my life, all I can think about is this awful accusation. As for getting healthy, over the past few days my depression seems to of reduced to almost nothing. Thinking back, I think I was getting most depressed when I started noticing my sister avoiding me. I know I shouldn't of done but at the time I had no explanation as to why and all I could think is that I had done something wrong. It is hard not to think that if my parents hadn't told my sister to stay away from me then everything would of carried on as if was and I wouldn't of got so depressed and none of this would of happened. But saying that if this hadn't of happened then I probably wouldn't of come out and would still be hiding away still being unhappy with who I was. Sometimes you just need a push, I just wish it didn't happen the way it did. It's alright to jump to conclusions. This I all so complicated and I tried to keep the post short so it's hard to get an idea of what our family is like. I've probably not explained it very well. It probably seems like I was staying with my sisters everynight. I only normally stay over on a Saturday night and before this year I would be working with my dad most weekends so I probably wasn't with my sisters as much as I made out in the first post. I understand that it's going to take time for my parents to even begin to accept me and there's a chance it may never happen. This is another reason to tell someone else otherwise I may end up only talking to my sister about everything again and not realise. If I do plan on transitioning someday then everyone is going to have to know anyway so I may as well start facing up to it now. I don't think I've lost the relationship with my sister. I hope everything should start to get better now that all of this is out in the open. My parents now know there's nothing going on so there're not going to be watching over my sisters shoulder all the time. I now know my sister doesn't hate me so I should be a lot happier. I don't know how much my depression showed through to my sisters and everyone else but hopefully now I will be much happier generally. I've still got a long way to go but I feel if I can make it through this then I can make it through anything. Once again I must thank you for your advice. You have helped me more than anyone else, even the professionals. I contacted 'mind' the mental health charity, they were useless. They just said to speak to my GP. I will be going to my GP but I'm not getting my hopes up, when I've been for other things they generally don't know what there're doing and just prescribe some tablets that don't really work. Sorry for going on so long.
I see you only have four posts at the moment but have been a member since 2013. Let me say welcome to EC. You should really post on the newcomers intro section. Also start reading in the Gender Identity and Health section of you haven't already.
Thanks, I signed up a long time ago trying to find advice and answers but always kept putting it off but I think now is probably a good time to start being more active on here. I will post in the newcomers section now.
