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Should I come out to my parents?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Euphoria, Jul 14, 2016.

  1. Euphoria

    Euphoria Guest

    Hi there, I'm currently living with my parents and I'm unsure whether I should come out to them as gay. I ask this question because staying in the closet is making me depressed, but my parent's attitude towards homosexuality and LGBT people in general isn't promising. Also, despite working a full-time job, I'm pretty much dependent on them for bringing food to the table and putting a roof over my head, so that's why I'm reluctant to come out. Although neither of my parents are extremely homophobic, they don't appear to be supportive of homosexuality either, despite the fact that they pretend to 'tolerate' it.

    I think my dad's the biggest culprit when it comes down to homophobia, as he constantly makes jokes about gay people if they appear on tv, or calls them names like 'queer', 'chutney ferret', 'arse bandit', etc, etc. It's almost as if he enjoys it, but maybe it's just a way to reassert his 'masculinity' in front of my supposed 'femininity', I don't know. My mum on the other hand has never made any homophobic remarks to my knowledge, but her silence in the face of my dad's blatant homophobia gives the impression she agrees with the slurs. I've got a feeling my parents guess I could be gay, but are too ashamed to admit it.

    With homophobic attitudes like that, I'm genuinely afraid that if I come out to them, the atmosphere at home will be so hostile and tense, that I will have no other option but to pack my bags and leave. On the other hand though, I'm afraid that if I stay in the closet any longer, I'm going to end up self-harming or worse.

    P.S. I've had quite a lot of suicidal thoughts recently, mixed up with relatively normal periods as well, but I'm worried it's going to get more serious if I don't resolve this somehow.

    I'd appreciate any help, thank you :help:
     
  2. peterw78165

    peterw78165 Guest

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    Probably shouldn't come out of the closet if you aren't sure your parents will accept you.
     
  3. Euphoria

    Euphoria Guest

    Thank you for your reply peterw. Thinking about what you said, it probably is best to stay in the closet for the time being, at least whilst I'm around my parents anyway. It's frustrating and depressing keeping up this facade of straightness everyday, but I guess it would be pretty foolish to come out to my parents if I cant realistically support myself, despite how much I want to :icon_sad:
     
  4. VanityInSanity

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    Hey!

    Maybe a little bit late, but I just felt like coming by and telling you how much I can relate to your situation. Having realized I was homosexual since two years back, I’ve been living this so called “life” that’s slowly strangling me. Everyday just gets more and more bleak, and this hollow and black hole in my chest just seems to get more and more painful each day. No matter how much I try to reach out or shout for help, it just gets muzzled by the darkness inside. I just wish something or someone could come and just rip me out of this dark and lonely place.

    However, in my case, I don’t think my parents are the sole cause for my fear of coming out, mostly it just has to do with my own fear of being different. For example, always wanting to fit in, never standing out and being a part of the “normal”.
    But of course.. the family plays a big role in me not coming out too, because tradition is very important in our family: marrying a woman and having children is the one and only “normal”. Homosexuality probably doesn’t even exist in their vocabulary…

    Even though life is pretty meaningless right now and I have no real directions to go towards, I still have “some kind of hope” for the future… even if it may be in the far…far…future.
    Perhaps meeting someone that can finally make me feel comfortable for who I am or getting a good job so I can earn enough money to get my own apartment.
    Just these small dreams are what give me the hope and strength to keep going and survive these painful dark days.

    PS. I think we have a lot of things in common, so feel free to message me if you want.
    (*hug*)

    Sincerely,
    VanityInSanity
     
  5. Euphoria

    Euphoria Guest

    Hi VanityInSanity, thank you very much for your reply :slight_smile: I couldn't agree more with what you've said. It's pretty much a mirror image of my life since last year or so, when I started to try and accept myself. I can definitely relate to the darkness associated with being in the closet; that never ending cycle of bleak days and the constant feeling of being silenced by fear. I like to compare life in the closet to that of a caged animal. You can see what life is like outside of the cage, just like an animal can, but you currently do not have the confidence or the means to escape it. I feel like a caged animal everyday. I can imagine a brighter future, a free future, but I feel like I've got the odds stacked against me.

    'Even though life is pretty meaningless right now and I have no real directions to go towards, I still have “some kind of hope” for the future… even if it may be in the far…far…future.'

    I think that's the most important survival tool in the closet. Hope. To put it bluntly, without it I'd be dead. It's that hope for a better future which convinces me to hang in there, just like it keeps you hanging in there. Indeed, aiming for those small dreams is a stepping stone towards coming out. I believe that eventually we'll get there, but it's going to be a tough journey (&&&)
     
  6. carpenoctem308

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    Even though you probably should wait to come out to parents, if you're considering self harm or suicide you need to find a friend that will accept you. I've been down that road and I wish I had had someone to help me through it. Now I have a group of friends that I'm out to and they are the reason I am alive today. If I didn't have them I have no doubt that I would be dead.
     
  7. mvp 447

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    Few thoughts: don't do anything that'll put you in physical danger. Does he have a temper? Also, men who are the most homophobic tend to be gay more often... finally, consider a trial balloon here or there with mom. If that goes okay, get into her mind to see what your dad really thinks.
     
    #7 mvp 447, Jul 31, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2016
  8. bingostring

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    I think you need a "plan of action" to help give you optimism rather than just feeling stuck. It is the feeling stuck that is causing the depression I bet. i.e.: a timetable for the "hope" to happen within.

    Maybe set a date by which you intend to move out, or have a new job that requires a change ... or a time when you will be financially independent so that if you do want to move out you will be able to support yourself.

    having said that you will most likely find out that your parents only want you to be happy and they would probably hate it if they knew you were suffering because of your perceived view of their possible attitude. I think if they knew you were gay they would 'edit' what they say about gay people and would actually think in a much more holistic way.

    If it is affecting your mental health you need to take things seriously and I wonder if you are out to any others that can act as a support network for you ?
     
  9. Euphoria

    Euphoria Guest

    Thank you for your replies guys, I really appreciate it :slight_smile: bingostring, I think a plan of action would do me a lot of good, instead of just going around in circles every single day. It is indeed the feeling of being 'stuck' which makes me depressed. It's the thought of waking up tomorrow morning and embarking on another bleak day of hiding who I am from my family and friends which makes me depressed, and to top it off, I have to put on a 'happy face' for all to see just in case they ask me what's wrong.

    Recently though, this 'happy face' has started to slip. Whereas in the past I could keep up appearances and put it down to not feeling well, I feel like my depression is starting to seep through into my interactions with people. I feel like I'm pushing people away because I have so little energy for things now. Every interaction I have with family and friends seems forced and superficial. I manage to form a few fake smiles and some laughter to give the impression that I'm happy, but deep down I'm far from it.

    Like you've suggested, I think that setting a date for getting a new job or moving out, etc would be a step in the right direction, and like you've also mentioned, if my parents knew the suffering I was going through they'd probably edit their behaviour, because deep down they do care for me. Unfortunately bingostring I am not out to anybody. I wish I was and I've considered telling one or two friends, but recently I've found out that they're quite homophobic :icon_sad: I do indeed need to take it seriously. It frightens me as to how convincing my suicidal thoughts are sometimes.

    I really do hope I can get through this, because it's hard to know what to live for sometimes. I've just got to keep that glimmer of hope alive somehow.

    Again, thank you everybody for your help.
     
    #9 Euphoria, Aug 1, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 1, 2016