Where to start? I suppose that I know I'm lesbian, 100%, female identifying loving and that's it. I've only been with one man before and I didn't find it satisfying - for the longest time I identified as bisexual though I have no real sexual desire to be with a man, I don't find the male aesthetic pleasing nor titillating. The problem with that is I'm with my boyfriend of 4 years. He's a fantastic guy, he's my best friend and also transgender. So am I. I came out first and he accepted me wholeheartedly and eventually he came out and I accepted him. I guess the big wrench in the machine here is that he's financially dependent on me, is clinically depressed, has little to no familial support (neither do I.) He has no job as he recently lost it and it's put undue strain on a relationship where I already have no sexual desire, something that he brings up at any opportunity. He also has anger issues, immense anger issues, and I worry that he'll break my computer or something. We also have tons of pets, which I mostly take care of 100% by myself. We're also poor, so... I really don't have a lot of options. I can't just move out, I can't kick him out (only making rent on donations and friends until he gets a job) and it's just so stressful that it's making all this bubbling internalized shit come to a head, at least for me. This thread seems to be an amalgamation of me validating what I know and how helpless I feel right now. There's no set piece to this that can twist and make it fit right like a rubix cube. I'm stuck. I'm scared, and the more I think about it the more I shake and hate myself. I wish I could just be me, that I could just scream my orientation in his face or something (as he often makes lesbophobic remarks.) A big part of me wishes I could be different for him but I know I'm not. I already feel like a hypocrite, having said the I Love Yous and reassurances and how we'll always be together but I'm honestly doubting that it's a possibility at this point. I feel selfish and cowardly. What the hell do I do?
I am sorry you are in such a tough spot right now! I can't help much because I haven't been in your situation, but I can suggest you come on over to the LGBT Later in Life section! There are several women in relationships who have recently figured out they are gay or gay-ish who may be able to help.
Sorry for your troubles. There's a few things to untangle here. I think that by continuing on your present situation, allowing him to think you want to stay together, is harming both of you. You are going to have to start disentangling yourself from this relationship. You have no responsibility to take care of him or his depression. Because you have a couple things on your plate I wouldn't drop the bomb just yet. Start with the pet situation. Can you find them new homes? If he asks why you reply is you are stressed and broke and can't afford to keep them any longer. Finding them new homes will give you back a little more time to rest, let you focus on the bigger problems and, if the shit hits the fan you'll be more able to grab a bag and go at the spur of the moment. Do you have a trusted friend that might put you up for a bit? Maybe that could be a backup if you have to get out of the house? It sucks to have no family support but other people have done it and both of you can too.
