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How do I gauge a response?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Coeurage, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. Coeurage

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    Hi,

    I've been lowkey obsessing over how my friends/family would respond to me coming out. It's the biggest reason I'm still questioning; I don't want things to change between me and them, and so I'm just keeping it a secret from myself rather than taking the risk of possibly being something that might change my relationships.

    SO WHAT I'M GETTING AT IS does anyone have any advice to predicting someone's response to your coming out, both short- and long-run?
     
  2. lnamae

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    I brought up LGBT stuff around them like gay marriage, TV shows, celebrities or whatever when I wasn't sure if they were supportive or not. It was a pretty good indicator for how they reacted when I came out to them.
     
  3. Dobby

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    i've had advice off someone and it really helped for me so i'll pass it on...

    get some paper and chose a friend/family member you are thinking of coming out to
    write at the top of the papers your instinctual prediction of how you expect them to react when you come out
    i.e when i tell friend x ............... i think they will ............. (not having a prediction is also fine)

    and then list reasons that are for this reaction and reasons that are against (or if you don't have a prediction keep it general and do it for and against for supportive of your sexuality.)

    for example:
    the prediction: When i tell Charlotte i am gay they will be shocked and may not want to be my friend.

    you might want to note other comments and feelings you have: i.e. i don't know how charlotte feels about gay people

    for this prediction :
    - charlotte is a christian, she lives in a bible college
    - charlotte calls people gay she doesn't like

    against this prediction:
    - charlotte has been a good friend for 7 years
    - i have confided to charlotte about other things and she has been supportive
    - charlotte is a big fan of cara delevigne
    - charlotte said orlando was awful

    then look at your list (spend time on it, make it as big or as small as you like) and evaluate. also keep in mind that these are all your predictions and could therefore be false.

    then think of the scenario in your head, come out to her in your head, let it be negative.i.e. now think..if charlotte doesn't like me because I'm gay is that a feeling i should let affect me? no. do i want charlottes friendship if she doesn't accept me? no.

    then let it be positive, think about how charlotte may be nervous, she makes a joke comment in response "do you fancy me then?", and i reply with a joke "of course i dream about you every night" , we laugh and carry on as normal but allow a deeper connection/understanding of who each other are.

    maybe try doing this to all important people. and then rank them in safe-->unsafe, come out to the safe ones, build a support of people who care about you, then come out to the unsafe ones (these could be unsafe because they are religious, their reaction unknown or because you are really close with this person so the stakes are high) , then if the reaction of someone you care about is bad you still have a support.

    take or leave this advice :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: but good luck!!!!!
     
  4. Jhilde137

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    I told m wife that I am bisexual and of course she flipped out but over the last two weeks she has said that she is ok with it but I haven't been able to talk about it with her. I am not sure what to think should I. Push the. Issue or drop it?
     
  5. Dobby

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    i have never thought about this situation before , or been married, or close to marriage, but heres what i think

    it is going to be a conversation perhaps that flares her anger or upset again. but this anger is most likely caused by here fears, she might feel like she is inadequate. and to feel that for someone you love, would of course wound. you might have to reassure her of your feelings for loving her if they are true. she might be even aware of her feelings and therefore has said she is ok because she knows they are her fears projected/not your fault. but she might be craving your reassurance. she might also be incredibly scared of what else you have to say.

    i think it is a conversation that needs to be had otherwise it will come back up, in your arguments ect. in the future, because it is unresolved and perhaps viewed as a vulnerability in your relationship.

    she may also feel that you will leave her to experiement, reassure her of the truth (if the truth is reassuring). she may even feel like you have been keeping secrets, explain how you are learning about yourself and reassure her. she may be fearful of how it could change your relationship - if at all.

    give her leeway in her reactions, you've had a lot of time to figure this out internally, to her this is fresh and initially unprocessed. often we get angry because we are unprepared and have no thought path made before so we respond with emotion. so some time for her to contemplate is good.

    if she gets angry, diffuse, don;t respond with anger, keep honest but dont match any anger (that's when it escalates) , even be as aware of your body language, sit side on rather than across from her (less hostile ecT).


    if the conversation is not being had, write it down in a letter, make it a shit sandwich ; write good stuff (i.e. why you love her) , write the difficult stuff and your feelings, write more good stuff again (how you love her , what you hope for the future ect.) and then ask her in the letter if you can talk about it more and why you want to talk about it?

    have the conversation. pick an appropriate time to have it.

    ultimately if she cannot accept your bisexuality after time and compassion and reassurance of your love, then she cannot accept a part of you. and

    but i am sure if you share love then you will get through this and have a deeper and more connected relationship for it.

    please be advised i am no expert, not at all, i know nothing, but i do wish you all the best