I am 31 and married and have just accepted that I am gay. I have been avoiding it for around 14 yrs. I had such a strong sence of denial and fear that I told myself I was mentally ill. I read up on many conditions and discovered one that held the same symptoms I was feeling (minus the attraction to men....I would not consider that) and sought out a psychiatrist. I was so educated on the symptoms and the condition that I convinced him I was sick. I failed to tell him the desires I had. I have been on medication for 10 years and it has made my life a cloud ....(14 hrs of sleep a day and 30 pounds of fat). Those days are done, I am ready to live now. I have stopped taking the medication for around three months and feel better than ever. The problem is I am married and I have not told her what I have realized. I don't know how to do it and Im scared. I love her very much but I need to be honest with myself. I don't want to live a lie anymore.
First off I just wanted to mention that you're very brave for admitting this to yourself after so many years of living in the closet. Now I really don't know how you would go about explaining this to your wife (and from your post I'm assuming you don't have kids, correct me if I'm wrong?). If I was in your position I'd start off by telling her slowly without diving into it right away, maybe holding her hand and making her feel as comfortable as possible, and starting with something like: "I need your advice on something...do you think it's worth living your life if you knew what you were living was a lie?" I know the line sounds cliched but eventually she's going to get the point that you're trying to tell her something, then you could open up to her and let her know the truth. I guess you could then expect her to be [very] shocked, perhaps you could then append the whole conversation by telling her that you only told her because you cared about her and her wellbeing...and you want her to be happy as well. I wish you the best of luck bro, and let us know what happens
Hey, just as Tazz said, you should tell her slowly so that she wont be in shock. I read an article about a woman who was told her husband is gay. She already knew that her husband wasnt happy for a long time and she really understood the situation. They divorced, of course and they also had children (who were told that daddy loves them and also likes men). But everything went pretty well. And good luck! let us know how it went!
Hi there. You've come to the right place. EC can help you feel more comfortable about yourself, and in turn more confident in your ability to face an uncertain future. I was in a similar situation. I hadn't ever acknowledged to myself that I was gay, although perhaps I should have. (I think denial can happen at a subconscious as well as conscious level.) So I got married as well, had a couple of kids, worked on my career, bought a nice house in a desirable neighbourhood, drove 2 decent cars... and yet I still wasn't happy. In fact I was often quite depressed. I eventually developed an addiction to help me cope. What looked like the 'picture perfect' life was becoming a nightmare for me - and nobody else knew. At any rate, I think it's good that you're realizing that you need to do something. I don't think it would be healthy to continue the lie. But what next? Are you still in counselling? Your wife must know that you're trying to work through something, doesn't she? She's not going to be completely surprised by this news - as she is likely aware that something is wrong. Work with your counsellor / therapist to develop an approach to communicating this with her. Arrange for her to see the therapist as well - because she's going to have some really strong emotions to work through as well... There's no need to rush into anything though. But prepared for her to have a hard time with this news. You've had years to process it and try to avoid it. She's going to need to go through the same process - only she'll be forced to go through them a lot faster. Have patience and support and love for her, and be prepared to take some lumps yourself. She won't really mean it - but she won't know what else to do. (That's why counselling would be so helpful.) Also - don't beat yourself up over this. It won't do you any good. You can't take back the past. You can only work with the situation you're presented with right now. And from my perspective, you're doing the right thing right now. Given that I've 'been there, done that' feel free to send me a private message. Or continue to post in this thread. Because there could very well be 5 other married men that are reading this thread in the same situation you are in who haven't formally joined EC - but who would benefit from reading the responses and your reaction / comments. We're all here for you. Good luck, and stay in touch.
Hey newlife, Congratulations on joining EC and telling us what you are finally coming to accept. From your brief intro, it seems as though you are indeed at the ‘acceptance’ stage, and though there’s a long way to go, it’s a HUGE step to take. Like Jim above, I’ve been through pretty much the same thing as you. I knew there was something different about me from around age 8, finally figured out what it was in high school, and quickly hid it away in the deepest parts of my being, where it lay like a parasite in my soul until just over a year ago. I got married, had a family, “played the part”… and was never, well, ‘alive’. It was like there was always a veil or a shroud over me, like I was not really present in life, just 'visiting'. Sounds weird, but maybe you can relate. Luckily for me (and I know it’s sort of a cop-out, but it’s the way it happened), my marriage failed on its own. I didn’t have to come out to anyone until after we separated. However, looking back I realize that my withdrawals from all aspects of life, my suicide thoughts (I came thisclose once) - they were all symptoms of me living a lie. And in retrospect, that charade and my depression probably had a lot to do with my marriage being so bad toward the end. The whole “rainbow” symbolism that the gay community identifies with? I’m sure it exists for many reasons; for me, it stands for all the colors and brightness and vibrancy that exploded into my world once I finally embraced what my biology had always defined me as and FINALLY joined this awesome thing called life! It was truly a rebirth for me, and was worth all the pain and change that I had to face in getting there. I’ve never been happier and I finally feel whole. Please keep us updated, whatever you choose to do regarding the tough choices you may be considering. Oh, and one more thing... HUGS!!!! (&&&) (&&&)
That's how you tell her. Be honest to her, but most of all, to yourself. It won't be pretty. It will begin the healing, a new start.
Welcome to EC - as the others have already said, your story is something many others here have experienced - the site isn't all teenagers and twenty-somethings figuring themselves out. I was 34 when I started figuring myself out, and realised that what was "wrong" with me, why I never felt attracted to women, why I had been 10 years since I held down a relationship. Like Jim and Sean above, I suppressed my true self, to the point where it was subconcious, and am now working through all the changes in my life that my realisation is bringing - it's been a journey - I wasn't married, but this is a major Do you have any gay friends you can confide in? - I've found that although sites like EC are a great place to hang out, talk, there's a place for a real person, and a physical hug, whereas all we can offer is a hug accross the internet. (&&&) I also have a weight problem - need to lose 60 or 70 pounds, but accepting myself has made that battle easier too. Again, welcome, and I hope you feel welcome here, it's a great place to talk about anything you're struggling with. Tom
