Hi. So, I posted here some time ago, but I think I didn't get any replies. As the title says, I need some advice from you. I have had an anxiety disorder since I was 18 (I am now 20), and I've had many obsessions along the way. I won't talk about it because this forum is not about that, but one of the obsessions has been "what if I am a lesbian?". I woke up from a dream where I was kissing a cousin, didn't feel any arousal or anything, but I woke up to that question feeling really anxious. Since then I have had this going on for a long time, and the anxiety makes me go back to when I was little and had some experimentation with my sister. I felt guilty for this and sometimes I won't let her touch me because I feel uncomfortable. Although I don't recall having any sexual feelings or romantic feelings toward any girls after puberty, I did have this admiration for artists like Hayley Williams. I can only recall wanting to be like her, not to be with her. Now to this day, I remember having only crushes on guys, but the OCD makes me think that I made it all up, or I feel bad when in elementary I dated someone, kissed them and didn't like it, but he opened his mouth like it really wasn't a good kiss. I never really got the guys' attention as much as I wanted to, they only liked my prettier friends. As of now, I have had two lesbian dreams, one with my bestfriend and my sister. I woke up with arousal with both of them but felt bad after I woke up. I got relief from "dreams arejust dreams" and more relief waking up feeling happy for having sexual dreams with my boyfriend or having guys involved. But I don't know if it's the OCD or me because I think I am now really questioning myself. To this day I haven't had a real atracttion to a girl, just after the OCD, I was happy because I didn't force myself to see lesbian porn, but I googled images yesterday. I did feel arousal but not with the boobs, just like the fingering, and I could imagine my boyfriend doing that to me. He called me while I was looking at that and I felt really bad like I was cheating or something.. I really enjoy having sex with him but the after thoughts leave me hanging, or some times what I would call "intrusive images". Last night I masturbated, which I don't like, but when I was getting into it a female body came to mind, I got anxious but I continued and it eventually changed to my boyfriend.. And Channing Tatum. Thing is, I keep thinking of things I did as a child and my bad luck with guys, and the obsessions I constantly cloud my mind. I would see gay youtubers or read coming out stories and I envy your happiness. I can't have that right now. I hate having thoughts and doubts 24/7. I just don't know sometimes. My therapist has said that I am not a lesbian, but some coming out stories of them coming out at 23 or something makes me feel like I am ln denial. My mom is really homophobic so I can't really talk to her, just to my therapist. Even if sometimes I have cerainty that I am not, some arousal or some anxious feeling would make me think otherwise. Like I forced myself to have boy crushes or feel bad because I'm as boycrazy as I was before. My bestfriends are really openminded and when drunk they actually kiss each other sometimes, and they have said they prefer lesbian porn that straight, but still they are boy crazy and only have sex with guys. So it gets really confunsing like they find something arousing, but still are straight. I just lost my virginity a few months ago, and with my boyfriend I crave the sex. But I don't recall any sex feelings before college because I always thought I would be a virgin until marriage. I admit I started to involve into sexual acts to finally know what it was like, but then my love grew. I did have arousal while watching sex scenes, but I never fantasized or masturbated until now. Could my ocassional arousal on images, and bad luck with guys mean something? My restrictions on sex? That I didn't let my high school boyfriend to touch me sexually because I thought it was wrong? I just feel like I forced myself into this and I'm denying being lesbian but it doesn't feel right. Even though it may seem like I answered myself, I need your thoughts on this. Please help me.
The Kinsey Scale is a good way to test if you're straight, bisexual or gay/lesbian if you're questioning. There's a test here: Kinsey Scale Test From my knowledge it's completely anonymous. As for the rest: It's ok to have no interests in the other girls at your schools. Lots of people don't find their sexual interests until they're in-over puberty and sometimes even later. Also, according to a study by the University of Essex, most of the women that said they were straight were aroused by pictures of naked men and naked women. In other words, it's pretty common for females to be either lesbian or bisexual. Hope this helped you out. (*hug*)
Hey. I think you need to just take a really deep breath and just sit back and relax for a moment. I know questioning your sexuality can be confusing and stressful but try not to get worked up about it (I know this is easier said than done). Only you can figure out how you really feel, we can help you as best we can but we cant tell you what you feel. My first reaction even before you wrote about your mother being homophobic was to wonder what your families view on gay people and my initial reaction was that they may be homophobic. This can very easily distort how you feel and the guilt you feel about things. My other question is why do you feel bad about masterbation? I wouldnt say watching porn is the best indicator on your sexuality as sometimes you can get aroused by watching things which you wouldnt necessarily find arousing in real life. Eg. a lesbian getting turned on by 2 males.
I have done the Kinsey test before and got 0. It's just that when I think about it I get into a super anxious state. For sometime I thought I was trans after seeing a TV show, and I also read how to know if I was one, the anxious feelings are the same but all the other obsessions wax and wane. I just get really tired of waking up at 4 or 6am having a panic attack or just racing thoughts. I have find myself getting arousal from other things, too. It's just that I just want to be okay. Thank you for answering ❤️
Sometimes when I get off the anxious state I get a clearer view of who I am, but my days sre mostly flooded by anxiety and thoughts. I don't feel bad about masturbation, it's just that I was never comfortable with it. I prefer my boyfriend to do it for me haha. Yeah I guess porn is not an indicator. When I have sex or kiss my boyfriend I get turned on and have thoughts I like, just sometimes I get images of a womens body and I get turned off and anxious. I do feel some kind of arousal but I keep staring at the thing I'm seeing until I stop feeling it. My mind's ln war right now. Do you think that any sexual experimentation before puberty counts?? Thank you for your answer!!
Do I think before puberty counts in what way? Do I think it can determine your sexuality, no I don't. Do I think it can be an indicator as to your sexuality? Yes and no, I think it can be but I also think it doesn't have to be. Is this related to the stuff with your sister? Let's say for a moment you are bisexual, how does that make you feel?
