The Letter

So what I am going to do is, even though this is a letter, I am going to read it out loud to either just my dad or my mom and dad (I have not decided yet) sometime in the next week as I am home on spring break. FYI it is really long, but if you do read it and want to make a comment/ suggestion about it, I will be sure to read it I can say right now that I don't know exactly how to end it.

Thanks,

Jacob

To Mom, Dad, and Brother, my family whom I love so much,

Before I get into the meat of what I have to say, I am going to request a few things of you. I ask that you stay where you are, and listen to everything completely before you get up and move around, or respond or blurt anything out. I also ask that you try hard to not show too much emotion as I read, until after I am done, whether that be anger, sadness, happiness or other.

As I have told all of you earlier this year, I have dealt with same sex attraction for about 10 years of my life now. While I’m sure there is a reason, or several reasons, for my unusual sexuality, neither I nor anyone else will be able to fully understand why I am this way. One thing I can be certain of is that both of you (Mom and Dad) are two of the best parents any child could ask for, gay or straight, and that you raised me in such a way that I can say I am so proud to be your son. God knew you would be wonderful parents, and thus made you find each other and capable of creating and raising [my brother] and I.

Well, my ‘raising’ has either already completely ended or is just fading off slowly. The training wheels are off and I am riding on my own. Being on my own means making my own decisions, and while I have been gone at school this year, I have slowly come to realize that I have made a big decision: The next person I date will most likely be a male.

Now while that is sinking in, or not sinking in, let me be clear that you did not hear me say, “ I am going to be gay the rest of my life.” I do not know what I will be doing 25 years from now. All I am saying is I want to find a single person that I want to have a healthy monogamous relationship with. If I find that this life is not to my liking after all, I could slowly return to a heterosexual lifestyle (even though I will always have SSA).

Every decision comes with reasons for that decision, and here are the reasons I have come up with:

· After having been through several years of dating females, and finding it difficult to develop any sort of interest after about the second week, I am not interested in doing this anymore, and I want to experience the other side of me, perhaps the real side of me.
· If I continue on this trend of just “wondering what could be,” I fear for the heterosexual relationships I could have in the future. They may always be incomplete and somewhat emotionally distant which would be devastating in marriage, let alone raising a family.
· If upon entering a gay relationship I find after a long time that it is not for me, it will be good that I have that real experience for me to return to dating females.
· Finally, I must admit that I simply want to experience real sexuality, and if sexuality is not a very big component when one considers all aspects of life, then I see it as not being a huge deal after a while.

I know that all of you are hurting a lot right now to hear me say this, but I am not going to ‘butter things up’ just to make you all feel better. You are my one and only family. I love you and I am going to be honest with you, just as you know I have always been honest. Yes, people will find out, and people will approach you about it. All I ask is that you say what you feel, and be real with them. What I can say is that I will not flaunt being gay. You will not see a change in me. I am still Jacob, your son/brother. If the issue arises and I find it appropriate, yes I will tell people, but by no means am I going to go out of my way to tell people.

There probably is a lot more to be said here, but I have spoken enough and I am betting you all have questions. Therefore I end this letter, ……