At a crossroads or sorts.

Well im a few weeks away from turning 27 and I haven't had one single relationship outside of family and friends. I guess we'll go back to my 'experiences' thus far. During highschool I never engaged with any females in a sexual way(kissing, sex, being remotly close). That nearly changed in University, during my first year at Uni I met up with a girl (lets call her T) well T an I got fairly close, we hung out together, we gave each other surprise gifts(little things like artwork and the likes), I don't know why but whenever the opertunity came up for anything more than friendship i bailed, we would watch movies, and both be laying in the bed together once it turned off, I left, anything more than friendship and i just avoided the subject. Eventually I told her that i couldn't be with her because i was in a relationship with A. She still remained close to me untill I paniced and dropped out of University all together.

I went back home and was closer to A, I told her that I liked her and would like to be more than friends, to tell the truth I just think this was a response to what I had made up with T. The relationship didn't go anywhere, though we do still remain good friends. Since then there have been one girl that I've though i wanted to be more with her, but thats more than likely because she had a great personality and was an interesting person to be around.

After that it was about 5 years before i had my next experience. I met a girl; D that i worked with over the summer, D was a great girl and I thought she was a great friend. We took a road trip to the city for the night for a bit of fun. We shared the bed, she was a bit drunk, I wan't really myself. D defiantly wanted to have sex with me, massaging, kissing my neck/back ect. But deep down i didn't want it, as sad as it is I just started crying and got up to go to the bathroom, i stayed in there for about an hour when she approched me at the door asking if i was coming back to bed. I came back to bed a while later and she proceided to engage me again, i got up and started putting on my clothes. I told her that I had to go for a walk to clear my mind. She said she would stop and wanted to know why I was acting this way. To be honest i wasn't sure at the time, eventually i went back to bed with her, and she left it at that and nothing happend. It was an awkward drive home, durring that time i thought of why it was that I wouldn't sleep with her, all i could come up with was that I didn't love myself enough to bring myself to have sex with someone else(the more i think about it, it was a bullshit answer).

A year and a half later brings us to today. Over the past couple of months I've been jobless so ive had a lot to think about and do. I've been reflecting on my life and experiences... I can honestly say i don't think I've ever 'Lusted' over a woman, I have a few times over Men. But ive denied myself to take it any further. I can count the amount of times I've watched any form of porn on my thumbs. And when i masturbate I never think of anything, i focus on the pleasure and block myself from fantasizing.

This week I've been asking myself questions about my sexuality and doing things that are out of my comfort zone(IE looking at various forms of porn, straight/gay, looking at images of guys and gals. The only thing that I've found, I'm not turned on by women, i focus on the men in porn, and i prefer gay porn overall, I'm starting to fantasize over people while i masturbate and i usually end up focusing on men, doings things to them, having things done to me, hot abs, ect. I think I'm having a crisis of identity (mid mid life crisis?) After reflecting on this I'm 3/4's sure that I'm gay. But in all honesty i have no idea what to do next. Im just writing this because I want to know if anyone has gone though a similar experience. I just don't want to make a big mistake in how i approach things. Sorry for the big post but i felt i needed to get this off my chest and tell someone how I'm truly feeling about myself and my sexuality.

 

I've been talking a close gay friend about things, i haven't gone as far to explain some of my feelings to him. I think the anonymity of this message board and from what ive read the understanding and helpfulness of the people here was the reason that i wanted to get it off my chest of how i truly felt. Im just here to help and figure out myself. And i wanted to share.

 

I want to thank you all for your comments, I'm starting to come to terms with things. Im sure im at least bi, but more than likely im gay, Its a step in any direction and thats defiantly a plus for me.