As of this writing, I'm still questioning. I know I'm not straight, but I don't plan on coming out to my family until I know what I am. (I've heard a lot of helpful advice to not feel pressured to label myself, but when I do face my family, I'll need a label so they won't dismiss it as a phase.) I'm asking now because I know I'll need to start planning and preparing mentally now, if I want my coming out to be the least destructive disaster possible. I know it's going to be a disaster, but I'd rather keep it as small as a disaster as possible, if I can. It'll be a disaster because…. -She's a licensed minister in the Assemblies of God (one of the most staunchly conservative denominations there is); although she doesn't pastor a church, she has spoken at several small retreats and has taught multiple Sunday school classes -In addition to believing that homosexuality is a sin, she believes all sorts of mysticism about it (e.g., that gays and lesbians are all possessed by a "spirit of homosexuality" that makes them act stereotypically) -She is emotionally and verbally abusive; my dad is too, to a lesser extent, but takes her side on everything -She has a blog where she talks about God and what's going on in her life, often telling a story about me or my siblings to illustrate a spiritual point, so I know my coming out is going to be addressed online -For a long time, I was repressed and agreed with her teachings on homosexuality; it's only recently that I've begun to see how poisonous they are -My brother agrees, so far as I know, with my parents' teachings; my sister was more receptive when I told her I thought I might be bisexual, but I don't think she's going to back me up on this For a while, I thought all of the above was a list of very excellent reasons to stay in the closet, at least where my family is concerned. But as I've been questioning, I've realized that I'll have to come out at some point, if I want to be honest with any future partner I might have. And I want to do it while I'm still single, if I can, because I do not want to drag a partner into that horror show. What's the best way to come out, given all of that? I know I'm probably going to be disowned when I do. It's okay at this point; I'm financially independent and living over 2,000 miles away from my parents, so all they can do is cut me off from the rest of the family. Still, I want to come out in such a way that I don't wind up inadvertently reinforcing all of her negative attitudes toward LGBT+ people. Chances are good she's not going to change her mind, but there are my siblings to consider, one of whom is still in middle school, and I want to set a good example. What do you recommend?
Wow! Not sure I have any advice, as I haven't come out either yet. I just wanted to say, I admire you for your courage and spirit, that you want to handle this in the most positive way possible. I agree that just because you will probably be disowned isn't a reason to hide who you are. It will suck majorly, but judging by your courageous words, you can do this! I'm in your shoes. I'm most likely bisexual as well, and I also come from a very conservative environment as well, conservative Mennonite in my case. Homophobia is here too, though it's not always verbalized. So the whole disowning part I get. I'm guessing that would be my experience when/if I ever come out. Kudos to you. (*hug*)
Thank you so much! To be honest….it doesn't feel like courage. Every step I've taken away from my parents has just felt like another step I had to take to keep from suffocating. Coming out will just be another step away from them—possibly the final step. But I know I'll only have one chance to do it, so I want to do it as right as I can.
I think you are right to plan all of this, but from what you have told us it might be a lost cause. I'm sorry if that sounds terribly defeatist, but I know how people of faith can be extremely wedded to their views and refuse to countenance any shift in attitude or opinion. I find it very sad actually. Do you want to come out in a face to face conversation? If you do, it will be important to consider all questions and be well prepared with your answers. The very worst thing that can happen with a hostile parent is to have them catch you 'off guard' and see you become annoyed or upset. In their mind, any sign of distress will confirm that you haven't thought it through and that you are less than happy with your sexuality and that's really the last thing you want them to believe. How would you react to a long diatribe about religion? Would you be able to cope with that, or would it provoke you and lead to an argument? Believe me, arguments are best avoided. These are all things to consider if you intend to have a face to face conversation. A better option might be a letter and you can find some examples in the resources area. If you really set your mind to it, a letter can be very personal and it will allow you to address all of your thoughts and feelings about your sexuality without the verbal exchange and potential argument. In a letter you can include links to organisations like PFLAG (an organisation that offers support to parents of LGBT children) to demonstrate that you are serious and don't wish to leave them out on a limb with the news. Ultimately, your mom will have to decide for herself how to react and deal with your news. If she thinks disowning a child is a Christian thing to do, let it rest on her conscience. I wish you luck and remind you that we are here for you no matter what comes of it.
I know I'm not going to change their minds, probably not ever. No matter how well I handle this, I don't think it's going to have any impact on their thinking; they'll assume that living where I do has caused me to "drink the liberal Kool Aid" and that I've wandered far from God. The only reason I'm doing this is so that any future partners I have won't be blindsided by their reaction, and so I can get all of my cards on the table ahead of time. I had considered doing it over phone, so I could simply hang up when (not if) things got heated, but a letter might be the best option. A face-to-face was out of the question to begin with; I mentioned my mom was verbally abusive, and until pretty recently, she could always catch me off-guard in a face-to-face argument. At one point, I asked if in the future, I could write my side of the argument down and have her respond, and she said no. (She always accuses me of using a snotty tone when contradicting her, no matter how diplomatic or emotionless my voice actually is. I guess she doesn't want to let go of that trump card.) A letter, though, would completely remove the possibility of her shutting me down over a supposed tone, and allow me to keep a copy in case she started slandering me to her friends. Though, all things considered, a letter will prompt an angry phone call. I've gotten pretty good at not taking her bait, though. I've had long, religious-tinged screeds thrown at me in the past (my favorite was when she told me I should stop writing fantasy, and when I said nothing, she said she "sensed such a stubborn spirit" in me). I may not be able to tune them out, but I can hold my own. And when things get bad, I can just hang up. Should I prepare any defenses, do you think? At which point would it be best to hang up? And would you recommend a paper letter or email?
In all honesty, I wouldn't prepare 'defenses' because you really shouldn't allow yourself to get into a position where it is necessary to defend anything. By all means prepare to answer reasonable questions, eg. how long have you known? how can you be certain?, but if it all becomes heated and hysterical and your mom starts talking/shouting at you that's the point to say goodbye and hang up. If you decide to write a letter, or email (it doesn't really matter which method you choose) it might be a good idea to outline your terms for discussion, just so she knows that arguments are off limits. Maintain the upper hand, without being completely objectionable.
