As someone who'se going through the whole coming-out process later than many - I'm worried about my inexperience in some matters. I've never "dated" either in the straight world, or the gay. I've no idea how to go about meeting new people, how to go about moving beyond "friendship" into someone for some kind of sexual relationship. I'm terrified of screwing up. All my gay friends seem to be in relationships - and I want that for myself, but have absolutely no idea how to go about it. I see my friends finding new people to talk to, new people to have "fun" with, and I just don't understand how they do it. I'm probably being overly analytical over all this - but that's the kind of personality I am. I don't know if I'm ready for it yet, I'm an unstable emotional wreck, the whole coming out process is leaving me with huge mood swings, shifting from happy an self-accepting to depressed in the space of hours. I don't have a huge amount of confidence, I really can't just go to a bar and talk to people - I just don't know how to do that. I don't know of any "gay social clubs" or similar around here either. Google has only turned up the usual dating sites (or "meat markets" as some have described them as) Sex is a whole other game entirely - again, thanks to a religious upbringing, and my failure to accept who I am, I cannot understand how to find someone for a sexual relationship, nor how to actually initiate such a thing. Nor how to go about dealing with my complete and total inexperience in such matters - I'm scared that he'll expect me to have some idea what I'm doing, given my age! If anyone has any advice, comment, please...:help:
That is close to where I am at right now although I am maybe a bit further behind in the 'process.' I am in a nervous/anxious state pretty much 24/7 right now and I have no idea why.
I would work on yourself first and your emotions. I would try to join a LGBT support group so you can discuss your emotions and concerns. Once you are more comfortable then I would try meeting people just to socialize. As far as being experienced, if you find the right person and are honest with them then it should not matter. My bf and I have been upfront with each other. I told him I had not been with a guy before. He did not really care. The other night he stayed over and we had a great time. I won't get too graphic but he was a great teacher.
Mood swings? what kind? I usually chalk it up to regular PMS. Its' typically part of being a teenager. That's my excuse and I'm stickin' to it! Aside from that...I honestly have no idea how some gay guys seem to be walking social networks. Some get really out there and have a million phone numbers in their Blackberry but I have no fuckin clue as to how they do it. I want in on their secret too. It might be because they accept themselves wholly for who they are and aren't afraid to hide it and people may just flock to them because of it. That's my take.
I've been looking for something like a LGBT support group - but have yet to locate one in my city - typing obvious searches into Google hasn't turned much up. I've joined a "gay social networking" website based here in the UK (for want of a better word) - but translating talking to people online on that site (and it's forums) into meeting people in the real world for a coffee/beer and some friendship, is not really working. Depsite what people on that site say about "looking for friends" - all the one's I've met or talked to seem really to be looking for "Mr Right"... I'm not there yet (I don't think) other websites all just seem to be a total meat-market - people looking for one-night stands more than anything else. I'd rather take time to explore the physical aspects of relationships with someone as part of a relationship, than just a random hookup.
Enigma - I identy exactly with what you mena, the people who's phones are full of guys numbers, and have 500+ friends on facebook - how do they do that? Anyway, I can't blame being a hormonal teenager for the mood swings - being a "teenager" was quite a long time ago for me! The mood swings will be me going from "happy" and feeling comfortable with myself to suddenly dropping into depression and wondering why I've been cursed with this... of course, it's not a "curse" it's just something I've got to work through and figure out... one day, there might be one special guy in my life, but it's going to be a while before I'm ready for that.
Well there you go. It's not the bright sunny sunshine truth that you probably wanted, but knowing the truth nonetheless will help it get that way. That is something I also figured out. "there might be one special guy in my life, but it's going to be a while before I'm ready for that." I'm not quite ready to devote my time to someone. Even though I'd like to think otherwise there are many preventions in the way. I'm also too selfish at this point to think about someone elses needs and wants. Right now if I tried a relationship it'd be frivolous and superficial. I don't want to say "I love you" for the sake of saying it. And if I wanted easier access into someone pants, there are better, less hurtful ways of doing so.
Wow I know exactly what you mean, you sound just like me. I look at people in relationships and still I can't even wrap my mind around how two people become close like that. Hell, I find myself questioning typical human interaction in general, I swear it seems like I missed some seminar on being a human that everyone else attended. And the mood swings, they kill me... I just focus on self-improvement cause being distracted is better than my constant over-analyzing ><
Hi tm74, I empathise totally. I don't know if this is gonna help, but you'll see you're not alone by a long shot; and there are things to try. I understand how daunting the gay world and the world of gay relationships can feel. You're 35, yeah? I'm 58 and only came out to myself around this time last year!!! Ok, some truths to set the scene: I'm accepting of myself as a gay man now, but still have yet to have any gay sexual experiences. Yes, I want to; but no, I'm not sure where to start. Sound familiar? So what have I been doing to progress things a little? I decided that a good 'acclimatising' step, would be to first find where I can mix with other gay men socially; without the pressure of 'sexual encounter'. I did the same as you with 'google' and in time came up with some possible options. Now at this point I need to say that although I found this hard to do, I made my mind up to be determined to 'see it through'. I found one group whose web-site I studied that is about 40 minutes from me by car. My initial contact was by e-mail, I would have been too anxious to simply pick up the phone. After explaining my situation and exchanging another couple of e-mails, I agreed to meet with their 'facilitator' for a coffee (at his suggestion). He is a very friendly guy and was extremely helpful. I agreed to attend their next 'club-night' on Friday 6th March at 8pm. Of course, I didn't yet know anyone there except the guy I had met for coffee. Yes, I went to the club-night. It didn't actually live up to the expectations I had built, but it was useful nonetheless in helping me to become comfortable in the company of my fellow gay men. They were all instantly accepting of me, and I stayed talking to various guys there until about 11.30 when we all left and went our seperate ways. I tried a second social group last Friday, again which I had located by spending a long time 'hunting' on the web. They were again instantly friendly and accepting of me, although not exactly how I'd been anticipating. Once more I stayed all evening before going home, and was pleased with my achievement. So what was wrong with these groups? Well although I'm fully accepting now of my gay identity, I'm still pretty much 'straight acting'. Not because I don't want to bee seen as gay, but because that's just who I am - fairly masculine. However, the majority of guys I met at these groups are far more feminine than I am. Being in this environment is totally new to me, but I had to remember the point of the excercise. It worked, I am starting to feel a lot more comfortable now in the company of other gay men than I was previously. But I didn't stop there. Another group I located on-line are a gay dancing group. Again I exchanged e-mails first to 'break the ice' and to bypass my anxieties. I attended my first dance class there last Thursday. It was quite amazing! The type of dancing is 'Scottish Country Dancing' - No, I'm not Scottish! Yet again I found the group to be absolutely and totally friendly, and instantly accepting of me. Now here I had another very important milestone to pass. I'd obviously never before danced with my fellow man, and neither had I ever held hands with another man. I guess I must have partnered about 8 different guys during the lessons, and there were no problems whatsoever; I thoroughly enjoyed it! But only because I was determined I would make myself do it. I'll be going every Thursday from now on. When the lessons ended, some of the members were going to a local good quality restaurant to continue the evening. They go every week (anyone can go if they'd like) where we have a reserved area in the restaurant, and are given a discount on our repective bills. I went to the restaurant too. AND, all this time there was no pressure about sex or dating, etc. So there it is, this is how I have been making a real effort to locate and attend groups and events, where I can spend as long as I need to become fully comfortable in the company of other gay men. I think it's working out well. You see, I feel that by becoming comfortable with other gays first, it should will make it easier for me to progress to dating, etc. Now, finding these web-sites in my area took me quite a while. I only succeeded by perseverence. I'm still a gay virgin, but I truly believe that through my efforts I am making progress towards my goals. Now, I've read that you are in Wales. You've said that you've had trouble locating groups in your area. My advice is for you to keep trying. Don't be put off if a group you decide to try or see is not what you had in mind (I definately had not been looking for a gay Scottish Country Dancing group!). It may still be very useful in helping you to learn how to develop a rapport when talking to other gay men. That's exactly what I'm doing in the groups I've visited. Like you, I don't feel confident in going to gay bars or entering 'the scene'. Soooo, I'm sorry this has been such a long reply; but I hope it helps in some way or other. I see you are a full member as am I. If I can be of any help in searching the net for you, send me a personal message with a more focussed idea of where in Wales you live. Good luck, and if I can be of any help at all - don't hesitate in contacting me. Kayar. X
