When did you come out to yourself?

It took a long time and a few stages.
Stage 1: Age 7. Finding out that sometimes two women could have a relationship, and thinking "yeah, I could be with a woman in the future", but assuming that everyone felt that way.
Stage 2: Age 12. Starting at an all-girls secondary school, reaching the age where hormones set in, and starting my first close, intimate friendship with another girl. I fell head over heels, but wouldn't even admit it to myself.
Stage 3: Age 14. "Maybe I'm bisexual. ... Fuck."
Stage 4: Age 15. Started tellng a couple of friends, while still not too sure about what I was. At the time, I stuck with 'bisexual', because I'd had crushes on boys as a kid, but I was starting to accept that I liked girls too. I told my first friend (that I had a crush on a girl, I didn't use the word 'bi' or 'lesbian') because she basically insisted that I tell her what was wrong with me. I was miserable at that stage and a misplaced crush really didn't help. I was desperate to tell someone, because I felt like it was eating a hole in me, and I took the opportunity when she gave it to me. I felt so relieved when I told her, and telling that one person felt like I'd opened the gate that was blocking me from telling anyone else. It wasn't long after that that I told my sister "I like girls", because I knew she already suspected, and she took it wonderfully.
Stage 5: Age 16. Signing up to Myspace. "Orientation" box to fill in. And I clicked "Bi". I think that was my big step, realising that I was sure I liked girls and that I was ready for other people to know. I don't know how or why that happened. I think it was just a matter of time.
Stage 6: Age 17. Changing "bi" to "lesbian" on Myspace. Over the years I think my perception of my orientation shifted from a Kinsey 3 to a 5.5.
Stage 7. Also age 17. Coming out to parents. The biggest step I've ever taken, and one of the best.

 

Hey, it's great that you've come so far in the period of time you've been here; I hope you learn even more about yourself! (*hug*)

Anyways, I guess you could say that I had subtle hints in regards to my orientation from a young age. Back in preschool, I remember that all of the boys would, um, drop their trousers and "compare" their little ones, and, for some reason, I was always there to witness the act. :rolleyes: Similarly, when I was in elementary school (about first or second grade), I convinced my parents to buy me a Ken doll, which I stripped and took to the shower with me. Nevertheless, I had no idea what that meant, so I just overlooked it at the time. By the time I was in the 10th grade, so many things had happened that I should have understood (e.g. staring at the other boys when they changed after PE [both "land" and water sports], accidentally inferring that a guy was cute [when he was right there... :bang:], not being able to "react" when I thought about girls, etc.), but it wasn't until summer vacation after 10th grade that I realized there was something "queer" about me. I tried mulling over everything that had happened to me throughout all of my school years and came to the conclusion that I wasn't straight. That was BAD. I had to be straight; I couldn't be gay because homosexuality is a "sin," etc. To cut the long story short, I became really depressed over it. What's even worse is that everyday occurrences reminded me of the fact that I felt some attraction towards men, unfortunately, it was mostly sexual at the time. :help: To be honest, since I didn't want it, I tried to hide it from myself, but I couldn't stand it because it popped up at the most inopportune times. To answer your second question, I have yet to obtain the courage to tell someone because I wanted to tell him/her; the only person that knows about me is a girl I had just met before leaving my old school, and I told her because I had no idea what to do about the situation. It turned out that she had a crush on me (for some odd reason) and she told me about it. I freaked out and found myself trapped between a sword and a stone. In the end, I told her about my "case" and, although she couldn't stop saying "OMG, OMG, NO WAY," she's been very supportive. Still, that was a MySpace come out, which I don't really consider a true, honest, and relieving event. In other words, I have yet to come out in person to someone that I would like to come out to. :icon_sad:

Well, if you read through all of that, then I congratulate you. He, he. Thanks for listening, er, reading.

 

I was 20. I was a junior in college, and I was frustrated as hell. Because where all my friends were hooking up left and right, or at least dating, I still hadn't felt the urge at all. Even my sexual fantasies were really...vague. Whereas other guys got off on big breasts or whatever, my fantasies tended to be heavy on the story, and pretty weak on the female participant. I still had never found myself staring at a girl the way all my friends did (on occasion).

Then the idea came to me. "Maybe I'm gay." It wasn't a scary thought, but I honestly didn't think it would be so. I mean, wouldn't I know? Wouldn't I be dreaming of guys, or panting at them as they walked by? The idea didn't really go away, so I decided to give a try. Earlier, I'd tried ogling girls. I mean, literally, I had to mentally decide to look at girls, and eye them up. And nothing had happened. So I decided to try ogling guys, instead, just so I'd know I wasn't gay.

I went out front of my dorm, and sat down on a bench. It was a warm day, which was ideal, because it was shorts weather. And before long, a guy jogged by. Wearing short black shorts, and nothing else. I surreptitiously watched him approach, and after he passed, I checked him out a bit more blatantly.

...and sprung major wood. I'm surprised I didn't rip a hole in my pants.

I sat there, dumbfounded (and horny), thinking "Holy shit, I'm gay!"

I then ran with it for a bit. Internally. I let myself fantasize about guys, and suddenly, my sex drive kicked into high gear. It took me a couple weeks to get used to the idea, and another month or two while I wondered "is it just a phase?". At that point, I decided this phase was probably going to last my whole life, and so I grew more comfortable with the whole idea.

Lex

 

I was 17 at the time. I was on a bunch of drugs ar the time and it all just clicked in my head. I was like "Holy shit, I'm gay".

 

I was 12 when the thought popped into my head, my sister started to introduce me to TV shows that I begged her to let me watch like (I ended up watching them anyway, since she didn't give me a straight answer) The L Word and Queer as Folk, and I just went uphill from there

I was subconsciously fantisizing about girls and women I see and I just couldn't help it

now I'm 15, and realizing that my best friend will never love me like I love her, and basically, I think I'm hopeless on the aspect of love


@Lexington, nice story, quite straight to the point :lol:

 

I guess that I always knew, but didn't know what I was doing.

In 1st-2nd grade I wanted to wear boys clothing instead of girls, I don't know if that had anything to do with it but possibly it could.

Since 2nd-7th grade I have always have "obsessions" with celebrities. It just so happens that all of the celebrities were women. Once again it may just be a coincidence but I think that it was a sign all along.

At the end of 6th grade I happened to run into this girl at school. Lets call her Gaby. Oh my gosh she's gorgeous I thought in my head. She only talked to me once but as soon as I saw her I fell head over heels for her.

It was about a week after I saw Gaby I came out to my best friend at school. I came out as bisexual but since then I have decide that I am lesbian with just a tiny bit of bi. She took it really well and didn't care if I was straight, bisexual or lesbian. She's really supportive and were still BFF's :] Yup thats my story

 

My story is elsewhere on the site - and in some respects echoes Lex's above - the lack of "getting" female attractiveness etc. - but to summarise - I always kinda knew I was different in how I saw guys and women. I only really came to the realisation that I was gay, and moved to start accepting it last year (age 34) - I'm still working through that at the moment, along with all the emotions involved.

 

It took me years
the first time I consciously wondered whether I was attracted to girls was when I was about 11. I was quite attracted to one of the girls in my class and found myself fantasizing about her and wondered what it meant. I came to the conclusion that I was bi as I'd had little crushes on boys when I was in primary school, but I told myself that it couldn't possibly be true and that it was just my hormones. I started realising I was attracted to alot of girls. and would change my mind every month or so, like oh it was just the hormones, then ha! no it's not I'm a lesbian I'm messed up, to what WAS I thinking I must be straight. then I thought hmm...perhaps it's a phase. in the end I settled for bi, but I wasn't even attracted to guys.
then at about 14 I told my 2 best friends that I thought I was bi within the space of a couple of week of each other.
so then at 15/16 I told everyone that i was bi cause everyone else was starting to come out and I didn't want to say that I was bi after them incase it looked like I was following an odd craze. I told my family soon after.
but I was always leaning towards girls, but I'd never had a relationship with a girl or anything so I stuck to guys thinking I was bi and just assuming I wasn't in the mood or whatever when they tried to do stuff. and often made myself do things with guys to see if I liked it, which became a habit, but even kissing them makes my stomach churn slightly.
so at about 16 I told some people that I thought I might be a lesbian cause I just didn't find myself attracted to guys. my first relationship with a girl came soon after and everytime we kissed it was like an eruption of fireworks within me and I'd never had anything like that before. it helped me to realise that if I felt so . . . you know, at that, and had sex to guys and each time been thinking 'are they done yet?' I couldn't possibly be attracted to guys. so I told most people that I was a lesbian even though I did keep telling them I was bi a few days after. I think most people now know. my friends and family just wat me to be happy, so I can changed my mind as many times as I need they'll always support me.

 

I never quite learned I was gay. Why? The problem was I didn't know what homosexuality was until someone told me. I've always liked guys and never once thought a girl was sexually attractive--but you know what? I never knew it was 'wrong' until my best friend in HS Heather told me. She basically gave me the real birds and bees speech. She had a test for me; she told me to touch her breast and I did, in front of like 4 other guys mind you. Now, this girl was hot stuff, like everyone in school wants to bang hot, yet I got a free pass.
Why?

Because she knew without a doubt, I'm sure. There was no sexual tension and I didn't really hesitate to do it. So I touched her breast and I said "Eww gross" and she replied: "See? I knew you were gay." And I was still very naive at the time. After all the guys go "niiiiice" I went "what's gay?" She's the one who originally opened up my eyes and showed me what other world is out there.

I did some research, looked up porno--explored that side of my self. Looked at churches and found out I'm heretical. Found out that people like me are condemned into ruination by self serving sacrosanct sinners who far exceed even my own machinations. I learned that my sexuality is not something to be flaunted unless you want to be ridiculed and thought less of. Unless you want to lose all your social standing...though, again, I was so naive. I never had any social standing. I was the quiet smart kid. I had very few friends and nothing to lose, really.

I never said: "Oh shit! Im a faggot! CRAP!!" because up until I was 15, I never thought there was anything wrong. And I wasn't raised in a churcher family. My mom has always been supportive and accepting, so I never had that stigma.

It never dawned on me how many 'gay' things I do. I like to use lotions, make my skin soft. I like to keep my nails trimmed and tidy. I liked to go shopping, liked being around girls. I like to neat freak things and clean house.

I learned to experiment. I liked to experiment coming out to new friends and people. I wasn't just shouting to everyone I'm gay, but gave subtle yet distinguishable hints. Like when Rose (a friend) talked about David Beckham, I was like "Oh yeah, hes so hot." and she looked at me like... ; "Wtf? You're gay?"

It's not like I hide my sexuality but I don't fit the stereotype so I get many people who give me the WTF look. I don't give a lot of thought into saying it or not. Though I haven't told any of my other family members aside from my mom. If they really wanna know what I use my man meat for, they can ask. I mean, it's not theirs, they don't own my junk, so really, it's none of their business. I don't tell them how to use their rectal cavities, vaginal nooks, nor their wangs. Why?

It's rude.

There's nothing wrong with being who you are.
I can't see the size of my post because I wrote this in a quick reply but undoubtedly it's rather large now. lol Sorry~

 

I'm one of those that realised slowly, but I can instinctively remember when I finally stopped with the denial. I was at work about a year ago talking to a patient. He was dying of lung cancer and I was talking about his life and any regrets (one of the most open conversations I've had with a person). He told me that life is for living and that the only things he regretted were the opportunities he missed or backed out of in life. Maybe he could tell that I wasnt happy with myself, or maybe it was just chance, but after I talked with him...it was like a scene out of a movie. I walking out my house at 2 in the morning in the pouring rain and sat on the stoop by my house, watching drunk students waddle down the road. I sat there for 2 hours and decided that this wasnt working me. I just said out loud...I'm gay! And I said it 10 times. Then I just cried for the next hour. The next day the man I had spoken to had been transferred to a hospice and has died now....I dont think he realised that he changed someones life so dramatically in his dying days.

 

Hmm, I never had a questioning phase. Around 11 or 12 years old, I became aware of things like sex and the such. At the same time, I was also becoming aware that when I thought of sex, I thought of guys. I already learned what gay was years before and... it just clicked.

 

I think I've written about this elsewhere, but I came out to myself properly about a year ago. It was a sudden realisation, but also something which I had always known - but never let myself admit to myself.

Since I was about 12, I have had many crushes on other women, but I always had excuses - "It's a phase", "I just admire them", "It's because all the boys are so immature at the moment". It was when I was 18 that I first thought seriously about the possibility that I might be gay, but I then met this guy and had a relationship with him for many years.

However, once we broke up, the crushes on women started to come back (I had in fact had one whilst with him, but hadn't admitted it to myself). So there I was, in my twenties, thinking: "Why do I always do this? Why do I keep on getting crushes on other women?". And then, all of a sudden, in a flash of lightening, it hit me: I was gay. Or, if not totally gay (which I don't think I am), at least predominantly so.

The road to actual acceptance since then has been long, and I'm still not there. However, I have actually finally admitted to myself that it's very probable that I am, in fact, not straight. This came to me in a moment, like a flash of lightening, at which point my whole life made sense. However, it had been just under the surface of my mind for many, many years before then, but I had never allowed myself to voice the probability.

All in all, it took about 12 years to come out to myself. I had asked myself "Does this mean I'm gay?" when I was a teenager, but had always answered "no" to myself. It took a long time for me to answer "yes".

It's the fact that I am still asking myself the same question 12 years on that makes me think that I'm probably not straight, and it's the fact that I am continually confused as to whether I'm straight or gay that makes me think that I'm probably bisexual, rather than entirely one or the other.

 

i still doint know thats why i am here

 

I dressed up as a girl and played with dolls when i was 5, so im going to just assume i was always gay

Grade 6 was when i first had attractions to men. I snuffed them out as being a phase (like my damn asshole teacher told me. I was taught ALL homosexuality is a phase that you choose to end, and the gay people are the sinners who didnt choose to end the phase)

The year after highschool (this year) was the first time i accepted myself. I gave myself a sort of ultimatum basically going like this...

"Whoever i am and whatever i become, i will accept myself 110% and strive to be myself in all aspects of life"

...because i didnt exactly know about homosexuality at the time, as i was never exposed to it in a positive, or even neutral, way. I forced myself to go out and learn and research and question until i was at a point were i could accept myself 110%. And i am glad to say ive reached that point with being gay, but there are still other things im working through.

 

i dont really remember, but i was 17 and was like, "yea, girls are just not workin for me. guys on the other hand..."

 

Yeah it was like last year when I realized completely.

 

Last year was when i admitted it to myself. But ever since i was a teenager i knew but just pushed it outta my head. I could think up the most elaborate stories about eventually feeling something for women. It never happened. Then few years ago i started my counselling training and had to go for personal therapy. Then i spent a whole year dancing around the topic until my counsellor asked me if i was gay. Denying it for so long was so natural that i denied it again. But this time it made me think. Was i gay? Is that the reason ive never actually felt complete? It wasnt till a couple of months after that when i finally told my counsellor that i was gay. Then came the process of telling everyone else.......

 

I was always attracted to guys when i heard of ppl using gay as a negative term i just said i wasn't but never took to account that it meant being attracted to guys but then because of that i went through heavy denial of myself but i admitted it to myself and it became things got better for me i'm now happy i know i'm gay

 

As to being gay, I always knew it. I remember being 6 years old, looking at myself in the mirror and whispering 'I'm a homosexual'. It was weird, though, because there wasn't any concrete evidence, but I knew it anyway. I was a 'normal acting' boy, who liked football and cars; and I was too young to understand what sexual attraction is. But again, deep down, I knew it.

Throughout my childhood, I wasn't much worried by the fact that I was gay, because I thought it was a side of me that I didn't need to make public. I would marry a woman and have kids, and no one would ever know of my attraction to men. When I was 10/11 I crushed a couple of guys, but they weren't sexual or 'in love' crushes. I just got obsessed and wanted to be with them all the time.

Later I started to have sexual attraction to certain guys and also loved the idea of having a 'secret boyfriend'. But still, when I thought of the future I thought of having wife and kids, because that was the idea of happiness that I'd been taught. When I turned sixteen, it started to dawn on me that if I wanted to be happy I needed to come out and live an openly gay life. I'm eighteen now but haven't come out yet :icon_sad:.