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Mom forcing me to come out to religious dad and grandparents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Smolturtlebeany, Aug 7, 2016.

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  1. Smolturtlebeany

    Smolturtlebeany
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    Hi so I need help and pretty soon too like within the next 2-3 days please. Ok so my mom and dad are divorced and I am trying to go to school at my dads house. My mom is not ok with that and she is trying everything she can to make sure I stay with her. I am out of the closet with her but not with my dad. She is telling me to come out to the closet to him and he is very religious. She says it is for my own good so I am not living a lie. But the thing is she wants me to live a lie with her by moving in with her and her boyfriend to a new house and replace my dad with him because it's "better that way". She says that I have a specific amount of days and a specific amount of warnings to come live with her before she tells him and my extremely religious grandparents. I know it won't be a good situation if I come out because my grandparents are so homophobic and they make homophobic remarks and transphobic remarks towards my cousin. They kicked him out because he was once a she. They say she can come back when he decides to be the girl they once new. I am afraid because coming to school out here would affect my grades positively but they probably won't let me come to school here if I am openly bi/gay (fluid). I need help. This is stressing me out and giving me severe depression and anxiety. :icon_sad: I don't know what to do. I sometimes feel like it's not worth it and I should do something I would regret :tears::help: I don't want my dad to love me any less. I wish he would see that I am still the same person and I'm not trying to ruin his life. I also think he would keep me away from my two baby brothers. I love my family but this is too much. I just want to end it. She is also planning to tell them about one of my past relationships.
     
    #1 Smolturtlebeany, Aug 7, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2016
  2. Stewie

    Stewie
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    And this is why I always suggest waiting to tell parents until your out on your own, in case they reject you. (*hug*) this is going to get tough (&&&) be strong, you will get through it (*hug*)


    Your mother has forced your hand, Your going to have to tell your father... Now hopefully he won't freak out, but you can always tell him you will keep your sexuality under wraps until your out on your own, and besides your still young, and your still figuring out your way. Explain to him what your mother has said she will do, and that you want to live with him and not her for those reasons, you may have to exaggerate the truth a bit here, and normally I would never suggest this but you have very few choices rate now. Big (*hug*)

    Keep us updated, and keep posting here (&&&)
     
    #2 Stewie, Aug 7, 2016
  3. mvp 447

    mvp 447
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    The part below just says it all...

    "my extremely religious grandparents. I know it won't be a good situation if I come out because my grandparents are so homophobic and they make homophobic remarks and transphobic remarks towards my cousin. They kicked him out because he was once a she".

    DO NOT TRUST YOUR SAFETY TO THESE PEOPLE, PERIOD. Wait until you get older, and are in a safe position. The most critical aspect is your safety, okay? Do not let your mom use you as a pawn or bargaining chip PERIOD.
     
    #3 mvp 447, Aug 7, 2016
  4. iiimee

    iiimee
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    Sometimes if you want to stay in the closet it is better to just deny, deny, deny. If your mom tells them you can always lie back and assure them you're not. :/ They might be suspicious at first, but if you really want to stay in the closet that's something you'll probably have to do.

    Now, can I ask why you prefer living with your dad? I mean, it's fine if that's what you want to do, but they don't sound like they love and accept you as much as your mom... I mean, I totally get the mother's boyfriend thing because I won't even call my mother's new husband step-dad despite my mom wanting me to see him that way. :/ Really, you'll just have to stand your ground one way or another. I hope you come to the right decision, whichever one you choose.
     
    #4 iiimee, Aug 7, 2016
  5. Smolturtlebeany

    Smolturtlebeany
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    Thank you :slight_smile: I appreciate the advice

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 12:28 PM ----------
    Well the thing is I'm sure if my grandparents weren't there to influence my dads decision so he might not be as harsh. My mom doesn't really accept me in the way that I wish she did. Every time we get into arguments she always uses my sexuality against me. And that's the thing I like it better at my dads house because we never fight. My mom is also really dependent on me all of the time because she has lupus. But sometimes she takes advantage of the fact that she is sick and gets away with being extra lazy. She uses her illness as a crutch. My dad has a more stable home as well. My step mom has been in my life since I was 3 1/2 so I trust her and love her because I grew up with her. My grades were better when my dad had me the majority of the time but ever since my mom had me the majority my grades are all bad. Mostly Ds and Fs. Over at my moms house I have too much to worry about and end up putting stuff in front of school. At my dads house it's more organized and I can focus on school.
     
    #5 Smolturtlebeany, Aug 7, 2016
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    This is a very difficult situation.

    My first thought: I want to punch your mother in the face and tell her she's a manipulative, controlling piece of crap and to cut it out. (But that isn't going to help anyone.)

    On consideration, I would recommend telling your dad, over the phone or via email, exactly what your mom is doing to you; that she's manipulating you and the situation for her own benefit, that you would really like to live with him, and that you can't change the way you feel and don't want to offend his religious values and beliefs, but this is simply who you are.

    The reason I suggest doing it over the phone is to give your dad time to think and avoid doing something rash. My guess is, no matter how religious he is, when it comes to his own son, and particularly if it invoives his ex-wife manipulating him and you, he'll deal with how he feels and stick by you. At least, I hope that's the case.

    It might also be worthwhile, if you have a trusted teacher or guidance counselor at school, to spend a few minutes with that person and explain what's going on and ask for help. If the school knows this sort of stuff is going on they may be able to help also.
     
    #6 Chip, Aug 7, 2016
  7. Smolturtlebeany

    Smolturtlebeany
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    Well the thing is I'm sure if my grandparents weren't there to influence my dads decision so he might not be as harsh. My mom doesn't really accept me in the way that I wish she did. Every time we get into arguments she always uses my sexuality against me. And that's the thing I like it better at my dads house because we never fight. My mom is also really dependent on me all of the time because she has lupus. But sometimes she takes advantage of the fact that she is sick and gets away with being extra lazy. She uses her illness as a crutch. My dad has a more stable home as well. My step mom has been in my life since I was 3 1/2 so I trust her and love her because I grew up with her. My grades were better when my dad had me the majority of the time but ever since my mom had me the majority my grades are all bad. Mostly Ds and Fs. Over at my moms house I have too much to worry about and end up putting stuff in front of school. At my dads house it's more organized and I can focus on school. My mom doesn't love me as much as my dad does it's just he's not very emotional so he mostly lets others influence his feelings. My mom has her favorite kid and that's her youngest.
     
    #7 Smolturtlebeany, Aug 7, 2016
  8. Stewie

    Stewie
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    As mvp and Iiimee said, if you have to deny, deny, deny, your moms place doesn't sound like somewhere you will want to spend much time, and if you have to stay in the closet till your out on your own so be it, it's better then getting booted out or being blackmailed into living somewhere you don't want to.
     
    #8 Stewie, Aug 7, 2016
  9. Smolturtlebeany

    Smolturtlebeany
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    First of all the first part is pretty funny because it's true. Second I hope it goes the exact same way you describe it. I will try over the phone. The thing is I want to do it when I already start school over there so it's not going to be easy for him to just say I can't go. But honestly I don't think he would kick me out or anything unless my grandparents came into the situation.

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 12:39 PM ----------
    I can't really deny it or stay in the closet though because she has proof from a past relationship I was in and she will bring it up:bang::bang:

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 12:44 PM ----------

    Also my mom can sometimes get slightly abusive but not bad like broken bones bruises or blood but like throwing stuff smacking and stuff.

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 12:54 PM ----------

    But if anything she is less physically abusive and more verbally calling me things like faggot pussy and other derrogetory terms. And saying just rude stuff in general

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 12:56 PM ----------

    If I was allowed to if give out my kik/snapchat maybe to make it easier but it's against the rules and I don't want to get banned
     
    #9 Smolturtlebeany, Aug 7, 2016
  10. Smolturtlebeany

    Smolturtlebeany
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    I think I may get banned for 30 days I'm scared I said that I would give out my s-nap ch- at and k- ik and some of my comments were deleted
     
    #10 Smolturtlebeany, Aug 7, 2016
  11. Smolturtlebeany

    Smolturtlebeany
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    Why?! I'm not able to post

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 01:05 PM ----------
    I said something about wishing I could give my scial mdia but I would get banned

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 01:06 PM ----------
    Some of my other posts got deleted too
     
    #11 Smolturtlebeany, Aug 7, 2016
  12. EleanorHunter

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    I guess it depends on what you really think your dad would do and what the most likely thing to happen would be.

    If you think it's not enough to make him throw you out of the house, then call and tell him. Say that he doesn't have to like it or suddenly march in pride parades, but it's just who you are and he is gonna have to tolerate it. Or, maybe talk to your step-mom first. See how she reacts and what she says to do. Maybe she can break it to your dad.


    If you really think he'll be mad, deny. Your mom is pretty manipulative, so falling back on that and saying she was using the lie to try and get you to stay with her would be pretty believable. I only worry about later on down the road, when it comes out that she wasn't lying, how that will affect your dad. He'll probably be more mad than if you tell him now, so please consider that. But if you have to do it for your own day to day survival, do it. It sounds like anything is better than staying at your mom's house.

    Please find somebody outside of your family to talk to though. A counselor, a teacher, any adult that could listen to you and help you out. This really is a messy situation, and you need help from real people. But know that your people on EC are rooting for you, okay? (*hug*)
     
    #12 EleanorHunter, Aug 7, 2016
  13. Smolturtlebeany

    Smolturtlebeany
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    Fuck she told him now im having severe anxiety i can barely breath

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 02:04 PM ----------

    I'm fucking sobbing I feel like a damn baby
     
    #13 Smolturtlebeany, Aug 7, 2016
  14. Stewie

    Stewie
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    I was afraid of that, well your going to have to talk to him. (&&&)

    Like I was saying if it's too late to deny it, then your going to have to face it, just ask him if you can stay there with him, and you will just keep your sexuality under wraps until you can get out on your own. Hopefully he will understand, either way you need to speak with someone about this face to face, is there a school councelor ? A trusted adult ?

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 02:15 PM ----------

    Breath and relax, compose yourself then go see him, if you can, talking directly to him would be better then over the phone.
     
    #14 Stewie, Aug 7, 2016
  15. WilliamHunter

    WilliamHunter
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    I'm so sorry for your situation. It should never be, but you'll be fine. Hiding who you are is not healthy. It creates tremendous stress and depression. If your dad is truly "religious" and abides by the teachings (I presume of Jesus), he should realize that Jesus loves all and he never said anything about gays. He condemned the super religious above all others. Be brave and strong. Talk to your dad as one man to another. I've been in a situation like yours and it will all work out. Best wishes and prayers
     
    #15 WilliamHunter, Aug 7, 2016
  16. Smolturtlebeany

    Smolturtlebeany
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    Ok. So I had avoided talking to him after my mom had told him. Up until a certain point. He had been calling me and texting me asking if we could talk. So finally after a few hours I called him and we talked. He said that I am more important to him than anything. Religious or not I am still the same person that he loved since I was born. If anything he is more hurt that I wasn't the one to tell him and he was also hurt that I thought this would make him love me any less. He is going to try not to get my grandparents involved. They are the last people on earth who need to know about this. My mom never said whether or not she will eventually tell them.

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 08:27 PM ----------

    I just want to thank you all for your love support and advice. You all were so helpful and I love you all. : )

    ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 08:28 PM ----------

    If you all have any more questions don't be afraid to ask me. I will accept any friend requests on here.
     
    #16 Smolturtlebeany, Aug 7, 2016
  17. EleanorHunter

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    I'm so happy for you!!!!!!!!

    To be fair, your mom didn't exactly give you much of a choice whether or not she was going to tell him. You would have told him yourself at some point I'm assuming.

    Still, that sounds like one of the best results that could have happened. So yay!!!! (&&&):eusa_danc
     
    #17 EleanorHunter, Aug 7, 2016
  18. Stewie

    Stewie
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    That's great (&&&). Keep us updated :thumbsup:
     
    #18 Stewie, Aug 7, 2016
  19. Chip

    Chip
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    So glad it worked out. Actually, it is pretty often that even the most religious parents, faced with a conflict between their religion and their child, will choose the child, and of course... that's the only decision that makes any sense. So I'm glad it worked out for you.

    And it sounds like this also paves the way for you to be out of your mother's control and manipulation, which sounds like a totally positive thing.

    Please keep us informed of how things go!
     
    #19 Chip, Aug 8, 2016
  20. Smolturtlebeany

    Smolturtlebeany
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    Ok so here is an update for today. So far even though it's still the morning I've been up since 7:00. I haven't really been talked to yet which is ok with me if I do get talked to or lectured but I just hope not today. I am still pretty shaken up from yesterday since I have anxiety and usually I have like after affects I guess idk what to call them but after I get major anxiety the next day or so I still have like trembles in my hands and depression so I kinda want to avoid talks and or lectures right now.
     
    #20 Smolturtlebeany, Aug 8, 2016
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