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Resources for those questioning?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by trumpetkid23, Mar 16, 2009.

  1. trumpetkid23

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    Hi all. Back again, but this time I here for a friend.

    Back at the beginning of first semester I was friends with this guy, and as we became closer I started to notice how strikingly similar we were, both personality and values-wise. It struck me as interesting and possible for the start of a relationship, so I made a bold move and asked him if he was gay, telling him that he had no obligation to respond to me. To make a very long story short, he told me that he's never had feelings for another person before, sexual or otherwise, so he was unsure as to his orientation. He seems very cognizant about what it means to love someone on a deeper level, and told me that it's important to him that he shares this one day with somebody, but that he is worried about his current lack of attraction. In his response, he said that he's hoping that I can help him to come to an understanding of who he is, just by having someone there to talk to. In his words: "Maybe you could help shed some light on it. Or disprove that being gay makes it impossible to be friends with straight people of the same gender. Or that being gay doesn't make you primarily gay (just like being blonde doesn't mean that the first thing someone will think when they see you is, "He' blonde")."

    However, this occurred a few months ago. I sent him a response email assuring that I'd be there for him in whatever way he needed me to be. A few days later (over winter break) he told me that he wanted to talk about it, but in person and not online. However, when we got back to school he never brought it up. A few weeks later I messaged him again, just telling him that I had gotten the feeling he'd changed his mind and no longer wanted to talk; however, he reassured me that he did, but was stressed with school and didn't want to add it to his plate. Now it's Spring Break and we're both staying on campus and thus have hung out some, so it wouldn't surprise me if he brings it up sometime this week. I just want to be ready for this conversation (that will likely be an ongoing topic of discussion for us). I realize that A) I cannot fix his problems myself and B) this may only mean that I'm a listening ear rather than a advice giver, but I just want to be sure that, whatever his story is (I don't know much of it) I am ready to be the person he needs me to be...so to the actual point of this essay...

    I'm looking for some concrete, written out resources about sexuality that escape the general "gay/straight" classification. I don't feel like he's acknowledging that he's gay, but more that he's still trying to understand who he is, and that who he is may not fit the standard ideas that we have of sexual identity. I also realize that he may be asexual, or some variation of that, so those resources would be helpful as well. More than anything, I would like resources that explore the fluidity of sexuality and talk specifically about what makes it so hard to define. Not only do I want to be able to go into this conversation ready to talk myself, but I also want to give him resources that show his current state of sexual ambiguity is indeed okay. Anything that can help myself and him to better understand the ambiguity of sexuality would be welcomed.

    PS - Please know that I'm not doing this to "get" him. This is all purely out of trying to be a good friend. On that note, I ask that this thread not be a debate on what he may or may not be. All I'm looking for are resources, not possible explanations of his identity. I just want to provide him with the information that he needs to figure it out for himself, as he's ultimately the only one who can do this.

    Thanks guys. :slight_smile:
     
  2. trumpetkid23

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    To add to this and maybe clarify. We often use the term LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, as you all know), but I'm more interested in the term LGBTQ which you don't hear as much. Right now, he seems to be falling into the "Q" (or "questioning") category. I'm looking for information that explores the "Q" rather than just the specifics of "LGBT."
     
  3. Davo

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    First off I just wanted to say I think you're doing very well in asking for these resources. You've spoken yourself about the fluidity of sexuality, it seems to me that you know a fair bit about it, so you seem capable of discussing it with him if you can't find any sufficient materials to help you. Just being there to listen to him might be enough

    As for resources, I hope someone else can give you something more concrete. The only thing I'm aware of is the asexuality.org website which has forums and a lot of other resources, that's the sort of thing you can recommend for him to look at and get involved with. There are a few pamphlets at this page
    http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Pamphlets

    The only other page I can think of is the pflag website which may be of use
    http://www.pflagphoenix.org/quick_guides/guide-questioning.html

    Hope this is of help
     
  4. trumpetkid23

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    Thanks Davo. :slight_smile: That does make me feel slightly better. It's hard to judge your own ability to grasp a subject. I'm glad to hear I'm coming across as helpful.

    I've actually come across both of those articles, and they're helpful, but I'm looking for something that may delve in a little deeper, especially to the "questioning" thing. If maybe any of the more experienced members on here have anything? I just want to be everything that I can and need to for him.
     
  5. BlakeHarmony

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    I don't really have any resources that would help as you have specified them, but have you considered telling him about this site? I know it has helped me and countless others...