I realize the answer is different for everyone, so here is my personal situation. I'm a 40 year old bisexual married man. I have been married for 11 years to an absolutely amazing woman that I love with all of my heart and soul. I came out to her last year and she was 100% loving and accepting the entire time. After a few months, I "went back in" so to speak and tried to blow it all off as just some weird mid-life awkwardness. She was unsure of me going back on my coming out, but again, she was loving and supportive. After many episodes of sudden thoughts about being with a man and looking back at "moments" I had denied and buried over the years that should have been obvious signs, I came back out again and realized after reading a lot here that going back and forth is very common. I realize now that when I feel that I'm not gay at all, its just because I'm not feeling any homosexual feelings at the time or for an extended period. Not because I'm straight, but because my gay attractions are not constant. It helps that my wife is also questioning and has been for around 5 years without ever feeling sure about anything. I'm a very masculine looking man, tall and muscular, and she is a very feminine woman, tall, shapely and with long beautiful hair. Out and about in public, we look and seem as straight as any other straight couple. But at home, things are different, especially since I came out. She is the main provider for us and has been for about 8 of our 11 years of marriage. I enjoy a lot of feminine things, not that things have to be exclusively masculine or feminine, but just in general. We both come from very traditional religious upbringings that rejected homosexuality as an acceptable way to be and encouraged very traditional male/female roles in a relationship/marriage. That being said, I love cleaning up the house and having a nice hot dinner ready for my wife when she comes home from a long day at work. I like to take her stuff at the door and sit her down and just take care of her, much like women are encouraged to do for their man in traditional thought. When we go camping, she get the tent out and puts it up while I take care of our dogs (we were unable to have children). Last weekend she built a headboard for a bedroom from scratch while I organized the kitchen and did housework. The more we open up to each other, the more I've recognized my taste for feminine things (I love going to Ulta with her to help her pick lipstick colors, hair colors, etc.,) and the more she has recognized her taste for masculine things. She lifts weights harder than a lot of guys at the gym and enjoys working on things with her hands. I had 3 different female friends in high school that I spent more time with than anyone else, she had guy friends that she spent more time with than anyone else. It never occured to us until recently why we were so comfortable with the opposite sex in non-sexual relationships/friendships. As for my sexuality, I am definitely bisexual. I truly love my wife and completely enjoy the sexual intimacy we share. I have always found myself attracted to women. I "thought" I wasn't attracted to men until I finally couldn't lie to myself about those occasional homosexual desires that made me so damn uncomfortable that I would immediately dismiss them as just fluke thoughts that mean nothing. After coming out to my wife, we talked a ton about it, trying to explore it and understand it. My most clear revelation that it was no fluke was remebering a period of a few weeks after I left my hometown to move to the Dallas, TX area. I was single and living alone with no family nearby. Everything seemed totally normal, no big deal. Then "it" happened. As I thought of things to do to meet a girl, thoughts about how I'm away from home and nobody knows who I am led to sudden visions of me going to gay bars or looking at dating sites to meet guys. Completely caught off guard, I would fantasize intensely and be extremely turned on while being emotionally torn between the excitement of imagining a man's hands holding me and feeling sick and guilty because its obviously so wrong and evil according to my upbringing. This was the first time I realized just how real and confusing repression can be. More and more thoughts started coming back to me, including remembering telling myself "you're not gay, you're not gay, you're not gay" repeatedly when I was younger and would have fantasies or thoughts of being with a man. I realized I had began having homosexual thoughts and desires as early as 9 or 10 years old. It was only because I am bisexual and find women very attractive that I think it was so easy to repress. Gay thoughts are not okay and I will be made fun of, beat up, or whatever else if I let anyone know? Straight thoughts are totally okay and no one will think twice of you being straight? Almost any child in this situation is going to take the path of least resistance for as long as they can. My straightness helped hide my gayness all of this time. At age 40, I'm fairly comfortable with myself as a person, and at home I am 100% accepting of myself as bisexual. While my thoughts and fantasies can be intense at times, I love my marriage and am comitted to staying in it and am not interested in seeking a homosexual relationship. My relationship with my wife is very fulfilling and we are very happy with our life at home. We both know our families would freak if we told them, especially since we are already married and happy. I can't really see any benefit of telling them as we don't see them but a few days a year. I don't feel the need to share my bisexuality as I think it could only cause problems since we are in a straight marriage and have no interest at all in leaving or having an open marriage. I guess I am wondering, how far out do people need to be?
If you don't feel the need to tell someone that you're bi, then there's no reason to. Only be out as much as you want and are comfortable with being. There is nothing that says you have to be out to every single person you know. The only people that need to know are those that you want to know.
I would say to your comfort level, I've told enough people in my life, I only told the ones I "knew" would be accepting and would be able to keep my secret, and again unless it's going to make things better for either yourself and/or them they don't need to know, simple. (&&&)
hi if you don´t want to you don´t have to tell people you are bi you stated your reasons and if you are comfortable it´s okay to stay the way you are don´t feel obligated to tell others that you are not straight...you don´t owe anything to anyone and your sexual orientation is only yours and nobody´s business ) if you want to share it...so share it...if you don´t so don´t ) have a nice day )
I appreciate all the replies. I have felt that keeping it to myself and my wife is what I'll continue doing. I guess sometimes I just have a lot of confusing thoughts when I look back at all of my homosexual thoughts and desires that I repressed, especially the phase where I wanted to date guys. Part of me feels like coming out further might feel good and make me feel more complete, but the truth is my own acceptance and understanding will always be the essential piece of feeling whole.
Xtra1975, Your situation fascinates me because it seems that you've managed to figure a lot of this stuff out. You recognized your feelings, you managed to understand what's going on, and you have even come out to your wife. I think your marriage sounds nearly ideal, considering the open communication and respect. Your kind of bisexuality is (in my opinion) almost assumed these days. Finally, the world (or in the U.S. and Pacific Northwest specifically) has turned a corner in realizing that sexuality isn't an either-or, black-or-white thing. Bisexuality is much more common than we might think. I think the scenario with your wife is awesome because you're already living in a greater degree of truth than most people who simply deny bisexuality. From here, I would only come out further if you feel that not coming out is restricting your life. If you feel a need to talk with others (not only online), if you feel like your faith or religious beliefs are in conflict, or if you feel like you aren't in integrity with yourself - then I would seek out understanding friends, clergy, or a therapist. Otherwise, you may already be as out as you need to be. The only other thing that I notice is that you seem to have a degree of guilt about desiring men, which you also seem to be working through. I think you may want to talk about that with your wife or find a therapist if this is interfering with your enjoyment of your sexuality. Or, if you feel at all depressed or that you aren't a worthy person. To the degree that this guilt is nagging you I would suggest talking with someone. Finally, some of the friction you're feeling is because we in the U.S. have a weird and somewhat toxic definition of what "masculine" is. We assume masculine is 100% straightness, being stoic, having "strength" from hostility and anger. I think you're finding yourself to be much more beautiful and exquisite than this simplistic stereotype, and just that feeling of difference from "normal" can be hard. But I contend that the "normal" masculine is illusory and toxic anyway. Good for you! I think you're well on your way to working through this and having an awesome relationship with yourself and your wife. Good luck! Warmly, Patrick Seattle, WA
