This is kind of a long message, but please read it and give me any help you can think of. thanks I just realized that I'm about to go back to a school where everyone knows me as Emily, probably no one thinks I'm straight anymore, but probably wouldn't consider me a guy or anything like one. I will not be used to this. I've gone the whole summer on the internet going by Evan, only responding to Emily with my family, who I never really think about how they see me as a girl unless my mom is saying how good of a girl I am or something like that. I have a groupchat where all of us are pretty gay, so I'm used to just saying how gay I am at random moments with those friends. I don't want to feel like I'm going back into the closet when really I wasn't all that out of it. all the people I knew at school always knew me as a girl, still do, and it's never been any different. I want to come out at school, be known as Evan, be known as gay, but then my family would find out pretty easily from talking to my teachers. They'd be accepting, I'm sure, but I'd really rather tell them myself. I can't stand going by she/her anymore, or by the name Emily. I want to be Evan, but I don't know how. I want to come out to my parents, but I need an easy way to do that where I'm telling them personally but maybe not face to face. I also need advice on which parent to come out to first, and maybe that parent could help me come out to the other one. (They're divorced and I spend an equal time at either of their houses, so it wouldn't be hard to get a time when I'm alone with one, especially when both of my brothers go to university at the beginning of September.) Sometimes I feel like I'm closer with my mom, I've talked to her about things like this before, and I've even come out to her as pansexual (which I'm not quite, but pretty close). She knows what nonbinary is, as I've explained it to her, and even said I think I might be nonbinary (even though I was completely sure I was when I said it). The thing is, she always calls me her little girl, her daughter, shows me pictures of when I was younger and says how pretty I am/was. She was so incredibly happy to have me after my two older brothers, and she'll probably feel like she's losing who I was when really I'm the same person. As for my dad, I'm pretty sure he's accepting about all these things. I don't talk to him much about it, though I did get into a whole conversation about gender when I told him about that sims 4 update with transgender and nonbinary sims, but that was mainly about trans people, though we sort of briefly talked about nb people without using any actual labels. I don't feel as close to him in that way, with deeper conversations about things, I'd usually go to my mom, but I somehow feel like he might have an easier time accepting me for who I am and coming to terms with me being nonbinary. And I also feel he'd be better to help me tell my mom than the other way around. I'm leaning towards telling my dad first, but seeing as one of my brothers is still here and they're not yet at university, chances are I'll have to wait until after school's started. There will be a few days between them leaving and my school starting, but I don't know which house I'll be at or if I'll be able to gather the courage to tell him. Any tips on which parent I should choose to come out to first? I'm thinking my dad, but does anyone think my mom might be a better choice? Also, how should I go about coming out? Should I write a letter, an email, should I try to trust myself to be able to say it once we're in a conversation about it? :help: thanks
First off, I'm proud of you for wanting to tell your parents first. It'd be a rude surprise to hear it from a teacher or someone else, considering they sound like pretty accepting people. So you've made a great choice already in preparing to tell them. In terms of how exactly to come out, that's kind of up to you. I know you don't want to do it face to face, but that's the best way to go about it. It really helps tell the other person that you care about their opinion and want them to stay in the loop. If you really don't think you can just spit it out though, my advice would be to write a letter, and sit down with them as they read it. Yeah, it'll be a couple minutes of awkward silence, but then you'll be right there to answer their questions. Plus, you don't have to deal with awkward introductions. I'm not entirely sure which parent you should come out to first, but I don't think either will be a bad choice. I'm want to say your dad, just because he doesn't outright say things about your gender. Like you said, remind them that you're not a different person, you just feel comfortable as a gender other than your own. When you do tell your mom, try and involve her in the transition as well. Maybe your parents can help you get ideas for a new middle name? (I know it sounds silly, but you've already got a name that you are comfortable with, so letting them help pick a middle name might help them feel involved, and not think that you're throwing away the identity they gave you) Whatever you do, I'm sure everything will be okay. It sounds like you have some pretty cool parents. Even if things don't go perfect from the start, they'll work out right eventually. Good luck Evan!
