Hi, So here's the thing. I'm gay, and I've know for a while I'm gay. Problem is I can't tell anyone. Here's the backstory... Looking back I guess there have been signs since I was about 11 or 12 (I'm 22 now), like I'd be looking at porn online looking at the guys and saying I was comparing (rocking the denial there!), but have been sure about how I feel since about 16 or 17. The thing is I kinda got it into my head that this was bad. I was never told there was something wrong with being gay as such, but it was kinda like my mom or a teacher would say "there's nothing wrong with someone being gay" and I'd take it like "we've decided it ok" or "we're ok with it", as if the rest of the world wasn't. I guess it was never really talked about very much either, so I had this idea (before I became aware of my sexuality) that even though I had no problem with gay people , there was a problem to be had that most other people believed. I've never really had many friends when I was younger, was kinda bullied in school and a bit of a loner, although it's much better now. After finishing high school I took a few years out, went travelling for 6 months, and worked for a few years, and in that time I really came out of my shell. I made some amazing friendships over those years. Last year I finally got my act together and I'm currently doing my first year of college, which meant that I've moved away from home again, although I've made a number of close friends here. I'm not sure why, but it's really getting to me the last few weeks about keeping this secret. For years I've had these little episodes, like I'd spend a while feeling bad about it, then a while feeling bad about keeping it quiet, and then a while where I'd be fine cus I figured it's best not to worry or to tell anyone. What makes things worse, or the prospect of coming out worst, is that a lot of people aak me if I'm gay. At first I denied it cus I figured, like I said before, that most people wouldn't accept it, and I didn't want to be thought of badly. From there I guess I started digging a hole, and would deny it cus I'd denied it before. When I moved away, I decided to kinda test the waters a bit, but I've been lying about it for so long now that I just carried on. I've got SAD, so I can get really down between November and February. I've been doing ok this year, managing it quite well and keeping on top of things, which has made it easy for my to put on a brave face I guess. But about a month ago I went downhill, and this is all I am thinking about. There's nothing that happened that I think would have triggered it, but my mood has been really off and my friends are all really concerned. The problem is everytime they reach out to me I end up pushing them away. I've tried to act more like normal to stop them worrying, but ended up pissing a few of them off by being nasty, and I hadn't realised I'd done it til someone called me on it today. I want so desperately to come clean now, but I can't seem to do it. It's like I really want to, but I physically freeze up and I can't find the words. Part of me thinks that I won't let myself, because I'm so afraid of things changing, and I trully feel that things would be dofferent. I'm especially worried about telling my best friends Paul and Cate from back home, they are my closest friends and I feel so bad because I feel like rather than keeping a secret from everyone else that I've been lying to them, which I guess I have, but I don't want it to seem like I've lied cus I don't trust them, I'm just so afraid. Sorry for rambling on, I guess it's good to finally be getting this out, even if it's only easy cus I don't know who I'm, talking to! I guess I'd like to hear from anyone who's been through or going through this, who maybe had the same blocks as I am having. Thanks.
Your story is really similar for what happened to me. Years of casual secret-keeping, and then BAM, full-blown obsession and guilt trip. The sign that it is time to embrace yourself truly and stop hiding, I guess. If you keep freezing when you want to tell people, it might be best to consider either doing it over a letter, or through indirect communication (MSN, or analogues). I always hoped I would be able to tell people in person, and now I can, but the first time I told someone, I was glad I didn't have to look them in the face. I would never have been able to tell otherwise. And I wouldn't worry too much about them being angry about not being told the truth. If you are truthful in your letter/coming out talk, they'll understand it was hard for you too. Many people really are very accepting once they get the full story!
First of all Welcome to EC! I can so understand your situation cuz I was in such one a few weeks back. I want you to ask yourself what are you scared of. Are you scared because you dont want your friends to think you're weird, or are you scared of having to tell them? Then find out what are you're friend's views on homosexuality. Then its a question of finding the courage and tell them. It's hard but it's not as bad as it sounds. especially if you have open minded and understanding friends. Good luck!
To be honest, I've found myself in the same boat that you are currently riding. It is true that one can be afraid of something in the future that has yet to take form. Specifically, we are afraid of how drastically life can change if we expose such a part of ourselves to our society. At this point, all I can say is that I understand that this period of time can be a truly frustrating one since you find yourself alienated from those that around you and, at the same time, enclosed by some unseen "force field," if you will, that makes you keep people away. Although breaking through this shell will not be easy, if you want to feel better about yourself, you'll eventually have to express yourself instead of suppressing yourself. I know, this is easier said that done; I myself am having a tough time figuring out what to do. Still, I figure that if you break it down, you'll find that you can tackle parts of it at a time. For instance, you don't have to come out to the whole world in one monumental moment; that would be almost impossible. Thus, if you are able to find someone who you really trust that you are sure will accept you as who you really are, that is he or she will not break your friendship because of your orientation. Finding this one person might not be so easy, but you can try to discuss the topic about homosexuality if it ever arises in a conversation or if it comes up in a tv show. By seeing your friends' expressions, you can determine who you would feel the most comfortable about telling. Once you find this person (and tell him/her), you will be relieved of an immense weight and it will be easier to open up to others; at least, that's what I've heard from other members. Nevertheless, this is your journey, and you will set the pace. Don't rush yourself and don't allow yourself to be let down because of it. :icon_wink PS: If your friends are truly your friends, they will understand why you have taken your time to tell them about this aspect of yourself; they will not feel that you lied to them on purpose. I wish you the best of luck.
im the same aswell known from an early age i wasent straight but due to the way i know family and most people i know feel ive always been to afraid to admit it over the last 4 years its driven my stress anxiety through the roof and made my depression worse constantly lieing to everyone out of fear of rejection and hatred. the thing you have to figure out is what kind of people are your friends are they open minded tollerent people? the sound like they care if they do theyll understand your feelings and worrys i hate myself for lieing to my best friend but i too fear the change. its so weird no matter where we are in the world our storys all seem to be the same basically anxiety and fear thats what makes these forums important to help thats something you can remember your not alone take care x
Firstly, welcome, and thanks for sharing your story. I've been through similar too - and am still doing so - the SAD, the bullying, the lack of friends... Do you know any other gay people you could talk to before you come out to your best friends?
As far as your depression goes,you may have seasonal depression. It sounds like it,due to the months you said bother you the most. You probably should talk to a Dr.about this. There are some great meds,for this and they really do help. I'll let the other posters talk about your gay issues because...well...they already did such a good job! Not much I can add to it,except I wish you all the good luck and happiness in the world! Mickey*
First off, welcome to EC. You story isn't much different than mine was a few years ago. I went through many years of knowing who I was, and that I was indeed gay, but I was afraid my friends would tell me to get lost (to put it mildly). In the end (no punn intended :icon_wink) Everything worked out great, and my friends are still my friends. The only thing I had not anticipated was that one of my friends has also admitted to me since I came out to him,(to my extreem delight), that he is also gay. Oh the wasted years ....:eek::roflmao::roflmao:
Thanks everyone for your replies. I have one friend, she's going out with a guy but she says she's bi. She's been really great actually, she spent a while talking to me today, trying to convince me that I need to talk to someone about whatever's bothering me, but I'm not sure I can relate to her because of that. I guess I got pretty close to telling her today though, so maybe.
I would definitely just take it one step at a time. Over the years you can sometimes get a feel for how your friends feel about homosexuality. Any that seem definitely cool with it are a good place to start. If there are any friends you trust a lot that you think would be the type of person to be there for you in a time of need, they might be ideal to come out to first. Trust me it's incredibly tough the first time you say (or type, like I did... I'm a wuss lol) that you're gay to another person, but it feels so good you will be elated for a few days. I had to force myself to type it and then run away from the computer, haha. And are you in Batavia, NY? I'm not far from there
Well, the actual "telling for the first time" part is going to be difficult no matter who it's to. It goes after every reflex you learned, after all. It's a lot like standing on a cliff, and jumping off in the hope that someone will catch you. Having other people yell "jump! You'll be fine!" helps, but it's still you that has to do the jumping. But there's no hurry. If you need a few "near-coming-out experiences" beforehand, that's perfectly normal. I think I tried to get it out three or four times before I finally managed to tell it.
You know, I can't explain how much better I'm feeling today. Yesterday I felt like my world was crumbling. If I'm honest, I've never really done the forum thing before so when I decided to sign up and post I sorta felt like I was being stupid, or desperate. But I realise now it's the best thing I've done for a while. After just an hour I had two replies, and I can't describe how reassuring it was to know that other people are/were going through the same thing. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish these feelings of unhappiness or uncertainty on anyone, but it's nice not feeling so, I dunno, alone I guess. I suppose I had this preconception that if you're gay your out and proud and everythings peachy. I hope I'm making sense I wanted to share with you all what I've just put on my status (on a social networking site to be left unnamed in case I get told off for rule breaking LOL): I'm having a moment of clarity -this hole I'm in isn't a hole at all, it's a tunnel, and I know this cus there's a light ahead of me now. I've spent the whole day thinking about this again. But it felt different. I felt different. For the first time in a long time I'm feeling ok about it. I guess I figured actually saying "I'm gay" on here was a cop out, cus I'm saying it to a group of strangers, but y'know what, I said it. I've never said it before properly. And now for the first time ever it's like I can actually imagine coming out to people. It won't happen soon. But I know now at least that it will happen. I'm going back home next week and spending some time with my best friends and if the time feels right I think I'm gonna tell them. And if I don't this time, so be it. Cus I'm learning from you guys that it's on my terms and in my time. I can't thank everyone here who responded, or whose threads I've read. But I will thank you. And I'm gonna keep posting, cus this forum seems to be working out for me. I'm so glad I found this site!
unfortunatley most gay guys probably feel a little like this to start with, the good news is that generally with each person you tell it gets a little easier. i'd suggest like the others have said finding the freind who you think would be most ok with it and broach the subject with them first, may be easier if its a female friend, or randomly pick one of people who has posted you support here and send them a message introducing yourself and coming out to them.
Feeling a bit weird today. I had a doctors appointment today, cus I asked my new doc to put me on anti-depressants a few weeks ago (I kinda feel like I've had a breakthrough with all this the last few days, but before that I assumed with the stress of college and my SAD that I was just really run down) and he wanted to checkin after a few weeks to make sure I was coping with them. So even though I'm feeling much better about things, I'm still not feeling right, which I guess is to be expected. I've not been sleeping well for ages, and workload at college is crazy so I figured it's in my best intrest to stick with them, if only to try and keep me thinking a little clearer for a few weeks while I work through this all. So I get there and he asks how I am, and I level with him, saying I don't think it's the SAD that's causing me to feel depressed, and that I was feeling a little better because I was dealing with some "personal issues", hoping that would be enough to get by. But, of course, he asked what personal issues, and I just looked at him for like 2 seconds and said "about my sexuality". So he kinda pushed a bit, and I ended up actually saying to him I was gay. The reason I'm feeling weird is because I kinda expected to feel something, like I'd be really nervous, or start shaking, or regret it after I said it, but I didn't. I won't pretend I was very comfortable talking about this with him (he's a new doctor and a bit of a fuddy-duddy, so not the kind of person I'd imagine wanting to talk to about this), but even now a few hours later I'm kinda the same. Not fine, kinda numb, and it's probably silly to be but I'm freaking out now cus I've had no reaction, good or bad? I don't know what to do.
i believe your on the right step by coming out and telling your doctor,something i will have to face as well in the future,i was going through a constant emotional rollor coaster of feelings,keeping it all balled up,years and years giving people hints and clues and no-one catching on,todays was my first coming out to my sister,who to say the least was very shocked,i did it my text message,she has been silent for awhile,hoping that she will accept me and still want me as a brother,i don't regret a thing for me its been years of bouts of depression,i'm out -I'M OOUUTT! and its so revitalizing to get that off my chest,my advise to anyone is to pick someone your close to and trust,and share your story with them,if anything it will get you closer and put yourself in a happier mental state.good luck in your future reveals.
Telling your doctor was good practice. Like others have said, pick someone you totally trust and start there first. I think you will find that you WILL have support. Try going to the coming out thread and reading some of the success stories on there. Those that love you are still be your friends and those that don't love you for who you are, aren't worth having around anyway. I know that's easier said than done. I really believe though that those that count are going to stick by your side and your friendships will become stronger because of your coming out! (*hug*)
Hi there. First off, welcome to EC. I'm so glad you found this forum, because it really can make a difference in your life. It did with me, and I've seen many people come through here who have been helped by what they've read here. It is often the first time that we have interacted with other gays and lesbians and been able to talk about something that we've kept to ourselves for years and years. Many of us feared talking to our best friends about our orientation because we had eithier flat out lied to them or failed to tell them the truth about our orientation. However, I've not read a single coming out story where the friend has said "I'm totally fine with you being gay but I'm never going to speak to you again because you didn't tell me sooner!" That doesn't happen. People understand how difficult it is to come to terms with this, and they understand that it's not a realization that we arrived at easily. They'll understand. My doctor was one of the first people that I told as well. And it is good that he knows. Fuddy-duddy or not. So keep reading here. We're a great bunch, and always willing to offer advice or support or words of encouragement. We've either already been through it or we can certainly relate. Good luck in your journey. We're right behind you, rooting for you all the way!
