My name is Mike, and I'm currently a senior in high school. Ever since my freshman year of high school, I've occasionally caught myself looking at other men a lot, some in romantic ways, others in a more sexual way. Well, in one of my classes, there is this junior who's gay, and he's extremely cute, and I think he might like me but is discouraged from ever flirting with me because I've always acted like the die hard straight guys. I mean, I'm a really big guy, not unhealthy, but in fact extremely fit, and I'm on the varsity basketball team. Anyways, I really want to message him, and start a more personal relationship with him, but I still haven't came out, or if I'm even actually bi, I brought it up to my cousin, and he didn't even care, he was speaking about how it wasn't going to change his love for me and all that. However, when I brought it up to my mother, she had a more condescending approach. She was telling me how it was just my hormones and that I'll probably grow out of it. Is that true? Is this feeling only temporary? I also feel as if I were to come out, it would jeopardize my chances on making the varsity team again this year. The current members are extremely condescending towards gays as my city is a small "ghetto" town, normally it wouldn't be an issue because usually these guys don't hang out with the type of people who are gay or bi, but since I'd be on the basketball team, and would be in the locker rooms with them and shit, I feel as if they'd harass me. I honestly don't even know what I'm typing at this point. I've been so anxious all day, as I came out to two important people in my life, and it's all just so overwhelming.:bang:
Mike.....if you really like this guy....tell him, maybe now isn't the right time to come out to ur mom, maybe you and said guy could secretly meet up maybe like at a library somewhere you basketball team members wont go, keep your relationship secret till ur more sure or ur out of high school or till you get your own place, just be careful harassment can get very violent depending on people don't put ur life in jeopardy
I feel as if other guys would be hesitant about this though, I feel like guys that are in the closet don't wanna date someone who is.
Maybe that's true, but you could ask him maybe about himself first before talking about liking him ask him how he chooses to date someone maybe then u will know more and you can approach him with how you feel
Update! I came out to a couple of close friends and family members, and I received nothing but positive support, as for the guy in my class, apparently he has a boyfriend. I'm not sure how I want to come out to everyone though.
Congratulations on taking this big step. And great to hear that you got positive support. I hope it gives you the courage to live your life freely and without fear. As for coming out to everyone else - maybe just wait and see how you feel. Everyone in your life doesn't need to know. And there'll probably be setbacks down the track but as long as family and close friends are there for you, you'll hopefully do just fine. So welcome to life outside the closet. Enjoy being you. As for the guy in your class - that's bad news and if you've got a real crush on him, it might take time to move on.
I spoke to some more friends and they were accepting, and I didn't have a real crush on him, I just thought he was super cute, lol.
I want to add my congratulations on coming out! I noticed that no one address your question about your mom’s statement that it was “only hormones” and that you’d “grow out of it.” Of course it isn’t. You were born that way so there is nothing to ‘grow out of.’ No amount of counseling, therapy or intervention will ‘fix’ you because you’re not broken. It sounds like you have completely accepted who you are, which is the most important first step. Coming out to your friends now gives you a support base for whenever you may decide to come out more broadly. You said you came out to some family members. Not your parents, though, I take it?
You covered it pretty well. The first question you could ask yourself is, would your gay acquaintance be deserving of your trust? If you discussed your orientation with him, has he through his behavior shown you that he will treat that information with respect? Perhaps you don't know enough to tell. Start by befriending him. Your team mates, well that's another story. I'm sure you're worried that they may judge your orientation by who you hang out with. To me, it's kind of depressing that this still is an issue that has persisted into my "old" age. So in a way you have two separate problems. First, do you continue to put on the straight act to get along with your team mates? And second, is the guy you like worthy of sharing information with, when you're just getting comfortable with it? I'd suggest you make some gay friends, and you'll create a mystery for your team mates. It won't be easy. Some pain now, but you'll feel better about yourself later. Oh, and the other poster is right. Those are some damn long-lasting hormones. Your mother is going to need a lot of patience, and a very unnatural life expectancy if she expects you to shape shift on this.
I told all of my family, and everyone was accepting except for my mother. Everyone I've told has also been very supportive. My mother is just hard-headed, but I can't hide who I am to please her. As for the guy I posted originally about, I discovered that he had a boyfriend, and so I quickly loss interest in him, but I accidentally walked into the wrong class and met this new guy, which is working a lot better, and we're already talking about going on a date. He's supporting me in coming out of the closet, but I simply have to find a way to be both out of the closet and on the basketball team. Basketball means a lot to me, and I'm a pretty good player, I'm 6'6, and I can dunk, I play often, and I have plenty of stamina. I'm your typical great center, and I could be the best but as soon as they find out I'm gay, I go from the amazing center to that one gay dude on the team.
Hey GiantMike, great news! I bet your mother just needs time to process what you told her, but will come around to supporting you unconditionally once again very soon. And you DEFINITELY don't need to pretend to change in order to please her. You can never actually change who you are anyway. Only accept yourself. Like she will have to accept you. As for you team, that's kind of a tough one. It's totally dependent on the individuals and the coach. Clearly, being gay doesn't change anything about your athletic abilities or anything the team really should be concerned about. (Lockerroom issues not withstanding - I've dealt with that, but I never tried to make advances towards anyone in the lockerroom or otherwise that I KNEW were unwelcome, and you've been a part of the locker room for how many years...) So what really changes? Only attitudes if THEY have a problem. And make no mistake, it is THEIR problem, not yours. Don't let them reflect any 'attitude' from issues they have back on you. You aren't doing anything wrong. You're just finally being the person you were born to be. As for actually being on the team, despite any of the coaches prejudices, you might want to research locally, but most states now have laws against discrimination against LGBTQ people, so if the coach tried to suddenly throw you off the team or limit your playing time after you came out, it's likely he could face some serious heat for discrimination. And you may actually be surprised (hopefully, anyway) at how accepting the Coach and the team can be once they know who you really are. I've found it amazing how accepting many people can be who express homophobic attitudes, but once they KNOW someone who is an acquaintance, family member, friend, or, in your case, teammate their attitude suddenly changes. Because they know you as a REAL person and not some perverse, dark, unreal stereotype that they like to joke about. ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2016 at 11:22 PM ---------- And, if THEY decide to make you 'the one gay guy on the team,' own it and wear it proudly to represent for all the LGBTQ people in your school while just still being the great person you've always been.
Well done and congratulations. You're a very brave young guy. Hope it all works out for you - maybe you even have what it takes to be a strong and empowering role model for LGBTI kids at your school.
I plan on taking him somewhere nice this Friday, but I think I'm going to wait until it's basketball season before I come out so that way he can't make up an excuse for suddenly booting me off of the team, and I do think I could be a great model, especially since I have a couple of scholarships to some colleges to play basketball there.
Very Cool, Mike. Do everything at your own pace. Remember, YOU have nothing to prove or justify to anyone else. Best of luck on your date and in your life!
