Not Sexually Compatible

Ah Ed...I am sorry. I think you should give him some space but try to remain friends. I wouldn't say you shouldn't date though. You are just out and feeling good about yourself. Don't let this incompatibility with one person spoil your happiness. You are not a slut at all!

 

Beckyg is right.
Dont let this get you down!
(*hug*) (*hug*)

 

sometimes in life even though we try our best to make things work to convince and fool ourselves things just dont work and its better to know than live a sham. you havent done anything wrong and your not doomed its just life not everyone is sexually compatible but it doesent mean you cant be friends as he seems to care for you and how you feel and he cares enough not to string you along for a long time in the vain attempt that he might start to feel more for you than he knows inside he can. and your not a slut you just wanted some love we all do but it kinda sounds like your not very confident about yourself. perhaps you are right though to sit down and look at yourself take a break for dating your emotionaly fragile and dont want any rebound mistakes i been there wasent a good move. youll be ok though once youve had a little break there are plenty or guys out there for you as they say someone for everyone

take care x

adam

 

Hey there. Im so sorry to hear your news. Beckyg is right and you are certainly not a slut. Its always difficult when relationships don't work out, and I have certainly experienced the negative thoughts when this happens...thoughts like I'll never meet anyone, or all my relationships are doomed. The reality is, you will meet other guys and you will have successful relationships. Don't let this get you down and try not to let it affect your confidence. Take care. Peter x

 

i had that moment yesterday well im still having it really clues been there all me life lol and dont worry about not getting round to this in your 20's im 20 its no better lol just as confusing. i dont think you were stupid when younger if you were anything like myself its subconcious denial of beeing different. my advice right now is have a cup of tea it always helps

 

You weren't too stupid to realize it. You may feel like that, but sometimes people are in such deep denial that who they really are (sexuality-wise) takes a long time to come to the surface. I don't know if this was the case with you, but that's my theory of why some people take a lot longer to come out than others. The latter, along with someone's upbringing and life situation may all make a person feel as if it's not safe to acknowledge those feelings inside them.

I know it sucks when someone realizes that they're incompatible with a person (especially when it comes to sexual compatibility). It sucks even more if one or both people who've been in a relationship for a little while realize this. But it's good that you're boyfriend was honest with you now rather than continuing to act like nothing was wrong. That the conundrum- getting into bed with someone soon after meeting them (even if it's just "fooling around" type stuff) feels kinda slutty (at least to me it does). However, it also sucks if you wait a while (whilst developing a relationship) and then discover that you're just not that physically attracted to him (or vice versa). I wonder what Lex would have to say about all this (shining the LEX spotlight into the night sky!!!)

 

you arent foolish and we all get self concious well i know i do constantly. youll find the right guy who will be understanding and a good lover for you


anyway vent all ya want its better getting it out (*hug*)

 

Ed, I also lamented the fact that I did not come out earlier. Regardless of whether the signs were there, neither of us can go back and change the past. So, we can spend our time now angry over our past decisions or we can find a way to enjoy the present.

I am sorry about your boyfriend. I know it hurts. There will be someone out there for you. Remember, you have just started to date as a gay man. In all likelihood, you will date a number of other men before you find the one who is mutually compatible with you. You should feel fortunate that he realized the relationship was not right for him early on, rather than after you became even more emotionally involved. Don’t stop dating. These are important experiences for you, as you continue to grow and learn more about living your new life.

You are certainly not a slut. The two of you were mature, consenting adults enjoying each other. There is nothing to be ashamed of for having sex.

There is also no reason to feel like a failure. The fact that you were not the right person for him is no reflection on who you are. You are not going to be attracted to every man you meet and not everyone is going to be attracted to you. There is nothing wrong with you because someone felt you were not right for them. That does not mean that it won’t hurt. No one likes to feel rejected. However, the reality is that it just means that this guy was not the right one. Move on. Keep dating. Eventually, you will find it when you least expect it. Just don’t give up.

 

It happens. Simple as that. Get more practice.

 

Hey Ed,
I'm really sorry to hear about this weekend. Thats a rough situation. I agree with beckyg too. As far as people go, everything in a relationship has to be there for it to work well. Physical and emotional chemistry are the two bigger things. Both together is what makes it the relationship. Not everyone is attracted to everyone. I mean thats why we're gay, right? We're attracted to men. The ultimate search is to find someone we are completely compatible with. If you connect on only an emotional level, they can be your friend instead. And just to point out, if it took both of you long to get off, maybe you don't feel that sexual attraction towards him either?

We all ask ourselves why we never came out sooner. I know I have and think we all do. At times I also get very discouraged and think I will never find that someone. These are common things among gay people.

You're not a failure and you're not a slut. So don't think that for a minute. Hope the rest of your week goes better.

 

The only thing I can say that everyone hasn't said already... Well people have said already, but yet again, is you are not alone in this... If it was hard for both of you to get to where you needed... then it just isn't the right time, or it wasn't the right person. I have no idea how it works sometimes... I know some people are more emotionally connected to the whole sexual acts thing... (me!), and I find it really difficult to do anything with someone unless I feel emotionally connected. There may be a chemistry to people we can not see, but we sure as hell feel it.

I dated a guy for 1 year and 2 months. About a month ago, I broke up with him for various reasons. Our chemistry was perfect, but our situations did not work out so well... I am still having a very hard time to do anything with anyone else (more than making out) because of the lack of emotional ties I am use to in being intimate with someone. So it might be chemistry, might be emotional ties, or it might just be you needing to get use to it! It helps if you and who ever you are with are more on the same page... As in you may be wanting a relationship with someone more than the other? or vice versa... Or other factors I may be unaware of...

Point being, your former boyfriend followed his gut in what to do, a very wise decision. It may suck for you right now, but it was better for both of you, by the sounds of it.

I do wish you the best. You are not a slut for this... I am sure a lot of people can say some stories of worse happening... You are not alone!

Keep your mind open!

Rob

 

First off, if waiting FORTY years before finally going to bed with a guy makes you a slut, we're ALL in trouble.

Next off, I'm a bit surprised what he's said. I've often found that it takes more than one "bedroom trip" before you find out what your partner is like - his likes and dislikes, his speed, his "groove". And not to get on my high horse here, but Friday night was your first time with a guy. Had that been me in the bedroom with you, that night (and the following morning) would've been 100% about YOU. Showing YOU how to do things, talking you through it, and making sure your first night was the most kick-ass night it could possibly be. I don't want to rag on him too harshly when he isn't here to defend himself, but I'm rather disappointed in him.

What do you do now? I'd say take a break from him. Let him know you understand, but that you've fallen kind of hard for him, and this news is a bit hard to take. Let him know you're gonna need some time apart to sort of "readjust" to him being "just a friend". And then, take that time. Do what you've gotta do. Cry, punch the pillows, scream, write some lousy poetry, whatever.

Thirdly, this is NOT the end of your lovelife. Not by a long shot. Your first time might not have been mindblowing, but hey, it's out of the way. And ALL of us - every single one of us - was inexperienced at one point. We all fumbled our way through, and put elbows in eyes, and used too much teeth (or not enough). But eventually, we figured it out. You will, too. Six months ago, you probably wouldn't have thought you'd spend the night with a guy this quick. You'll get there again. And next time, it'll kick so much ass you'll forget this other guy's name.

Lex

 

Ed, I know personally how awkward it can be to be 40-ish and have no clue wth you are doing in bed with a guy. Lex hit it square on the head here buddy. Any experienced guy should have little to no expectations and frankly should really like the blank slate they've been handed with a newly out guy. They can train them to do everything just exactly like they like it. No bad habits to break or other partners preferences to deal with.

Chin up pal,
Tim

 

Lex is wisdom itself !

There is nothing I can had to what the others said.
I just wanted to had this : (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
The first time I ended up in bed with a man ended more or less like yours (except he left me half naked on the bed at 4 am...). I remember how it made me feel and I feel hurt for you. Fortunaltly, the guy after him (who I married by the way) was the kindness itself.
Don't give up hope. You'll find the right one.
Take care, (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) Eleanor

 

I'm with Lex with on this one. As your first time with an experienced man it should have been all about you. I would say that you need a guy like this like a hole in the head, he wasn't worried about your pleasure, he wasn't interested in initiating you in the 'art' of homosexual sex he was just interested in his own pleasure.

He is maybe not the sort of guy you need to be dating, not now, not ever. Sex is all about giving pleasure to your partner, otherwise it is just using the other person's body to masturbate yourself with.

I know this must be really hurtful and humiliating but put it behind you, this guy is just not worth it.