1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out to family to move forward

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by laviedadele, Aug 25, 2016.

  1. laviedadele

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So I've now told 10 friends, all have been positive.

    I want to tell my family (parents and brother) because I want to keep progressing. It feels good to be moving forwards. I don't want to be stuck for any longer, with my age increasing and still closeted to them.

    They won't be shocked, at least I don't think so because I've never given them reason to think I'm straight- (except being feminine?). But they will be shocked at me being open with them. I hardly ever am.

    But each time its on the tip of my tongue I doubt hugely. "What if it's not true? What if you're making it all up, the most perfect guy could come along. I should wait until I have a girlfriend.". A close friend advised not to tell them until I am completely sure.

    But if I look inside myself and back on my life I am sure. I feel quite gay. I don't care about guys currently. But there's still a smidgen of "what if". Is it fair to come out to parents if I'm feeling like this?

    Maybe I should tell my brother first? As I feel that is less... permanent? This would be by a letter, perhaps followed by a phonecall - as I won't see him for 3 months. I don't think I can bring it up in person.
     
    #1 laviedadele, Aug 25, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2016
  2. Linus

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Chicago Area
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    A letter to your brother sounds like a good idea to me. It doesn't necessarily make it less "permanent," but it can sometimes be easier to come out to a sibling first. It's okay to be unsure. It's also okay to tell people when you're unsure. You can tell them that you're unsure- that you're pretty sure, but that you're still doubting yourself. That's okay. Opening up to people will help them be more accepting, in my experience.
     
    #2 Linus, Aug 25, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2016
  3. laviedadele

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you for your reply, it came at a good time.

    I can't sleep because of all this, which has become normal. It's ridiculous. I want to be able to sleep and live my life.

    I do doubt myself. But who has this plaguing them for 7 years, and cries at 3am writing down what they wish they could tell their mother, if its just all in my head.

    I know what I want to say to my mum, tomorrow. And then I'll leave my brother a letter. That feels right, telling her first.

    To my mum I want to say: "I think I'm gay. I can't keep it inside me anymore because its hurting me so much. I've felt different since I can remember. I ignored it because I told myself the realisation would be certain and stark, like a truck hitting me. It hasn't been that. But it also hasn't gone away. And it never will. I hope you still love me."

    I just hope I have the guts tomorrow.
     
    #3 laviedadele, Aug 25, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2016
  4. Linus

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Chicago Area
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think that's the right thing to say.

    I'm with you, and I think that you can do this. :slight_smile: Be brave.
    Best of luck.
     
  5. laviedadele

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I DID IT!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT

    I told my mum. F*** it was so scary.
    It went ok :slight_smile: I was not prepared for her surprise. She said it had never crossed her mind and she had SO SO many questions. Full on interrogation.
     
  6. YuriBunny

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2014
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    I'm an introvert; I live in my head.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yay, congrats! (!)
     
  7. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congrats!:slight_smile: Now you are OUT and you and your mum are talking. You've got the world by the tail.

    Just be careful that when you come down from this great, emotional high that you don't actually get depressed because other things in your life return to 'normal.' Sounds like you and your mum will be closer than ever before - and that's a HUGE positive in your life.
     
  8. laviedadele

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What I thought her reaction would be: I thought so, it's no big deal, we've all been thinking this for a while and were waiting for you to say. Finally!

    What it was: Utter shock. She had to lie down. Said she was confused and brimming with questions. She took me in the car for 1.5hrs and interrogated me. About how I knew, what girls I'd liked, what my type is, which of my friends know, how I told them, what they said, whether my best friend had had a boyfriend, what I'd done with guys and girls, how I planned to find a girlfriend etc. etc. She was excited and proud of me but I found it uncomfortable, it was the most personal talk I've ever had, and she wouldn't let me leave.

    She said she couldn't bear not telling my dad, and wanted everyone in my family to know. I said I wasn't ready for that yet, I told her it wasn't her news. I got a call last night where she said she had told my dad, and she thought it was appropriate to tell my brother now too.

    I told her because I thought she knew and I thought it would help me, but it's stressed me out! She's very nosy and a bit of a gossip. I told her I was annoyed, that it shouldn't be such a big deal and she then got upset.

    Has anyone had this? An interrogating, intrusive, very interested mother who means well?
     
  9. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't think your mom should have done that. But do you think that maybe you knew she would - since you already knew she's a gossip and nosy? That maybe her telling others would let you off the hook in having to come out them yourself? Just something to think about.
     
  10. CoconutOilLady

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2016
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    UK
    If it helps, I can kind of relate to this. My experience was that as soon as I realized, it literally became the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before falling asleep. Just because of the shock. I wasn't upset about my orientation, just annoyed at the fact that I had been tricked into living a lie.
    But my preoccupation with it was also because I kept wondering the same thing as you: What if I just haven't found the right guy? What if I'm just lonely? If I didn't realize when I was younger that I wasn't really attracted to guys, does that mean I'm just bi? etc. (I even googled "what is a crush?")

    But then again, like you, I ground myself by looking back and realizing I am in fact just gay. (I can find guys very good-looking, but only in the way I might find an item of clothing good-looking. Not that exciting, and not in a romantic way - but purely aesthetically. I've never actually wanted to kiss a guy. Holding their hand feels weird etc.)

    I don't have much of a problem with it anymore. I just feel excluded sometimes when I watch shows/movies that I like which have only straight couples, especially if I'm attracted the woman.

    Do you have any friends who are gay?
     
  11. laviedadele

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't know, she's not nosy and gossipy in a huge way and I thought she'd be sensitive about this. My parents just called me and my dad said my mum had shown him my coming out letter that I'd sent her. I am annoyed as it was personal and I had never said she could do that, but yes I guess it's good that I don't have to bring it up with my dad now. They said they really support me, and have reacted well. I'm appreciate I'm so lucky to have parents like this. I just worry that I'll find a man after all, which is stupid. I wanted to say "okay but bear in mind I could be wrong." I need to tell them that me opening up to them doesn't mean I want to constantly talk about it, I sort of want to run away from it, because it makes it so real and formal. And I won't see them for a couple of months which I'm happy about, I don't want to have to answer more questions.

    Maybe I wasn't ready to open up. Although I did feel similar when I told certain friends, and now I can openly chat about it with them. And at the time I was about to explode unless I told her.

    Thanks for your reply and thoughts :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 6th Sep 2016 at 12:57 AM ----------

    Thank you, reading this did really help. I do feel like a weight has been lifted since telling my parents but there's still that anxiety that I'm wrong. I don't think I am though. And I couldn't have waited for that anxiety to go before telling my parents because my mind was causing me so much pain and distress. Now I'm out whether I'm wrong or not. Do you think you're close to coming out to someone?

    Maybe that fear of being wrong is part of the process?

    I have one gay friend, I've opened up to him a lot before summer. But now I just feel awkward about it all. We haven't picked back up where we left, I haven't told him that I've told my parents and I hate myself for being so open with him and then closed, like I'm pushing him away. I think I need to give myself time to adjust and be comfortable with the huge step I've just made.