Hey guys. For a long time, I've been struggling with myself over my sexuality. I'm attracted to both women and men, but have had no experience with either (and I guess you could say I'm scared to, which really doesn't help matters). There are days in my life when I don't even think about it at all, and then other days, it's at the forefront of my mind, getting me all knotted up and nervous on the inside. Part of me is still "Yes, it exists. Some of my friends are gay/bi and I support them all the way, but it's not me." I think it's because of the way I was raised, going to Catholic schools growing up. It just doesn't seem to fit. I have tried to talk about it with my mother, and even get her to watch a soap opera with a gay couple on it, but she makes her distaste plain. I think if I discussed my sexuality with her, she'd accept me, but a part of her would be devastated. And she's the only parent I've got and I love her to death and really am afraid that this would completely change our relationship. Another part of me is struggling with labels. I never liked any type of label as a child (geek, cheerleader, preppy, etc.), and I still don't feel totally comfortable with one now. Regarding love/relationships, I just want to love who I love, regardless of who they might be, girl, boy, black, white, gay, straight, etc. I also think I'm ridiculously (and probably unnecessarily) scared of change. And this would definitely change things (I touched upon it earlier). I've dealt with huge changes before, family loss, growing up and going to college, but at the same time, my life is sort of settled (on the outside) and I like it that way. I don't want to be stuck in this conscience/sexuality limbo forever, but I'm not totally sure how to get myself out of it. Any advice/helps/ideas/chatter would be great and much appreciated!
Well, first of all, dont worry even a tiny bit, not even the tinniest bit, about your mother. Trust me on this one. Ive seen it a million times, and its happend to me. Ive had people say "Why cant we just round up all the fags and burn them" to me, but when they find out im gay, the do a 360% turn and are totally fine with it. I think its partly the fact that once they know a gay person closely they have a face to tie to what they are saying. Homophobic remarks mostly come from ignorance, so break the ignorance and that could fix it. Also, she is your mother. That along is a power so strong it can withstand any blow. She will adapt because she will be forced to. Dont worry thought because it will all be for the best. The change may not be right away, but it will be visible and over time it will happen. About the labels, i kinda get what you mean. In highschool i was just "the third wheel" and still kinda am. The guy who everyone knows but no one *really* knows, and when you need a friend for any reason you basically "rent" him out for the block/day/week. It was pathetic and sad really..but anyways, labels. Dont feel like you need to fit them, because life never really works on a "black and white" spectrum. You can be a little bit of this label and a little bit of that, not just one, and thats what most people are. Its when people pick one label and try and force them self into it that problems happen.
I hate labels as well but they're everywhere in our society... it's crazy! BellaRoma: experementing and understanding who you are does not mean you should be out... I'm not out (for the moment); but to solve your confusion, you need to understand your attractions in more details, try to live them... You can process by elimination, start by seing a girl you're attracted to, give it a real try, listen to your pulses and feelings (if any) and the solution will be obvious... That's what I did for a while and although I enjoyed women company I realized that they don't turn me on as much as men (that was my conclusion, yours can be different). And don't be scared of trying and being in a relationship... if it doesn't work out, it just didn't work out (just say I'm not that into you... sounds like a movie title ) I know I simplified the whole thing, but it's just to give you an overall picture of my advice. Good luck
im scared too always am the first thign you need to do is sit down and think who are you and except what you are there is nothign wrong with you despite what you might of been told when growing up about your sexuality. you have friends who have the same feelings as you so they are a good support branch for you and your mother will understand thats the hardest battle and your right she will always have a small problem with it alot of parents do in the back of their mind that they wont have grand kids but mainly worry for you but shes your mum and if she loves you she will accept your decision in life and support you. everyone suffers from loss and stress in life dont let other things in life impact on your sexuality you wont be in limbo forever just take your time talk to your friends they will have experience if theyve come out before and can help you take care x
Greggers - After something that happened to me today (I'll explain below), I'm not as scared anymore to explain things to my mom, because she has told me what she's uncomfortable with, but at the same time, she keeps an open mind (she's sort of like one of those 'it's OK, but I don't want to see it', except more open than that). So I'm hoping when I finally do tell her, it'll be alright. And I 110% agree with you about the labels. ArabMan - I know, isn't it? I think the world would be a much better place without them. And you're absolutely right, I do need to live them. I really think it would help me figure things out. Thank you so much for your advice! Just Adam - I do have alot of friends that have come out. I'm just not sure I'm ready to yet. I'm thinking about talking to one of them when I go back to school next week, but right now, I'm definitely spending my break time in contemplation. Thanks so much for your advice! Now, onto my frustration/anger/infuriation/flailing of the day: :***::***::***: So, my grandmother, mother and I all watch a few soap operas. It's sort of our little tradition. My grandmother came over today and we were looking at the recaps/spoilers of one soap, Guiding Light, on which a lesbian love story is currently developing. The following conversation/reaction ensued: "Oh, that's sick!" "Nana! How is-" "Well, it's not sick, but it's not normal." "How is loving another person not normal?" "Well, can you imagine kissing another woman?" "And what if I could? What if I was attracted to another woman?" "Well, I'd still love you, but I know you wouldn't be happy. No, you like boys." "What if I was perfectly happy with a woman, Nana?" "No, you wouldn't be. You like babies, and you want kids. And all you would have is that one person in your life?" "Wouldn't it be the same exact way with a man?" "No, because you would be able to have kids with him!" "There are ways for same-sex couples to have kids now." My grandmother makes this disgusted face, "Can you imagine? A kid having two mothers without a father?" She went on to say that she doesn't condemn them, but she totally thinks it's wrong. And then my fear resurfaced with my saying that it was just a hypothetical situation, and she replied, "I would hope so." It's times like this where I have to remember my grandmother is a vain, selfish, ignorant, uneducated woman who likes to make me, my uncle, my mother, and her sisters guilty for her lot in life, but this is one of those times where she really got to me. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read this and giving advice/responses. It really means alot, in many, many ways. (*hug*)
