I'm 25 years old identify as lesbian and live in California but that's not where it all started. I was born and pretty much raised in the south...the bible belt..and was raised that the lifestyle i live now is unacceptable. It still is. While my dad is perfectly happy with my lifestyle the rest of my family is not. My mom isn't really a factor since we don't exactly have the best relationship due to other factors. I have been told by members of my family that i am gross. I'm a slurper, rug muncher etc. When i tried to come out at 15. I was so ashamed i told them it was a phase and decided to go out with guys again and even sleep with a few trying to no avail to be straight. To force feelings that just weren't there. I was raised to be with a man and i couldn't do it. I was told that i was disgusting. That I'm a beautiful girl and that i could have any man i wanted, i had gorgeous boyfriends why couldn't i just settle down with one and be happy. That my 20s should be the times when i sleep around with guys and have fun. I've had men tell me they could turn me straight or that i just haven't a man that could hit it right and to let them show me how it's done. From 17 to 21 i drank in access dangerous amounts, did heavy drugs and went down a very destructive path. I moved to California when i was 21 to be with an amazing girl who i have since married and we are beginning the process to start a family. Happy times. But deep down....i am not okay with being a lesbian. I am struggling and fighting a tough battle with myself. I feel ashamed of myself for being happy and in love with a woman. Having a family with a woman, all of it. I officially came out at 17 but it is just as much a struggle for me today as it was then. I want peace. How do i find peace?
Although I'm a guy who can't be that confident of any knowledge of the lesbian experience, like a lot of people I'm very familiar with what it's like to carry that awful, aversive programming from school, family, the younger times when we were impressionable. We think we've solved our problems, but that little voice is always there, that we disappoint and are inadequate. It is not easy to find peace nor to "solve" this problem. I should know. I've been working on it for many decades. One thing I know is this: You have to go back, and reconstruct the foundation of the being that is missing. It is a project much broader than one subject. It goes to the core of who you are. Of course the alcohol and drugs worked for awhile to suppress this need, but it only went so far, as you found out. Here's the hard part: You wrote, "While my dad is perfectly happy with my lifestyle the rest of my family is not. My mom isn't really a factor since we don't exactly have the best relationship due to other factors. I have been told by members of my family that i am gross. I'm a slurper, rug muncher etc." With your dad, you may have an acceptable relationship. With the rest, you do not. The terms of service are unacceptable. I think you will need a divorce from them. One step is to turn the tables: Is their lifestyle acceptable to you? The next thing I'd like to suggest is that you volunteer for something. Anything that contributes to society that you'd like to do. Try to apply the exact same amount of energy and attention you applied to those you "divorce," to that volunteer enterprise. You'll probably find that somebody expresses genuine appreciation for your contributions. So in that way, you'll receive validation for your efforts that was unavailable before. Sometimes, at war, it's necessary to know when to withdraw the troops, recognizing the war is over. If you didn't burn yourself out too badly on the booze and drugs, you're gonna prevail in the long run anyway, due only to demographics. Why wait, when you can prevail now by changing your focus?
I've been thinking about looking at hobbies to get into. As for my family I've cut everyone off but the depression and pain still lingers. Luckily the alcohol and drugs didn't burn me out and i have come a good ways since i met my wife i just wish i could accept that my lifestyle is actually ok and to be happy living it. Not constantly wishing i was straight. To get away from said programming from family and society as well..people are mean.
I kind of feel your pain, just try and censor the people out of your life that are not intelligent enough to accept such a damn basic thing. That's atleast what I would do, I guess I'm lucky for the fact that I live in Belgium and that the only people that wont accept me are a few muslim friends I have. I hope things get better for you and that it all turns out well.
Thank you. I actually just went to europe in april with my wife and felt more at ease there than i do here.
