My mind goes blank sometimes. Othertimes its so full I talk to myself to arrange things. I havn't slept for 3 days, I keep waking, getting a drink, waking, getting a drink. 2 days ago I'd just made myself a up of tea. As i was slowly carrying it to the door my dad's girlfriend (really been at my throat recently) shouts at me for leaving the utility room door open. I stop, slowly turn my head to make eye contact, drop my mug, its smashed at my feet and lovely hot tea goes over me then i turn and close the door. She starts shouting at why I dropped the mug. Saying i need to be locked up, that i'm crazy and should get my head sorted. I just picked up the pieces, not bothering about the cuts and burns cleaned up the tea. Made myself another without saying a word and left as though it was the first time. Of course all through my second tea making she was screaming at me telling me to answer. I didn't really see the point in answering, I only seem to be shouted at more. When my dad came in she told him what happened, surprisingly the truth, my dad seemed quite confused as you'd expect i simply said "it slipped". He seemed satisfied with that and continued to watch the news or something. Apparently Mel didn't seem happy with this, she said I never slipped I threw it to the ground, mumbled names as I slammed the door shut (it can't be slammed, something about the air pressure within the room, its impossible) that i was calling her a bitch for making me so angry and that she asked me to make her a cup of tea and I told her to fuck off. I just sat there staring at her watching my dads anger grow. He looked at me, the standard fury within his eye I quite sternly said "You of all people knows how the truth seems twisted out of her mouth, her story seems to have changed from me being crazy to me being crazed and angry...I dare you to believe it, watch my reaction when I see the look of belief." "And what would you do" (in a cocky way) "I don't know, but I wouldn't have a second thought of hurting either one of you." He gave that smile, the smile that says 'God im worried but im playing it cool". Then he just laughed and shook his head, began watching the news once more. His girlfriend pushed the point. He raised his hand (a talk to the hand coz the face ain't listening gesture). I left. As all this was happening I felt not one shred of anger nor one drop a sadness. Absolutely nothing. Recently the only thing that has made me feel anything is seeing my two friends I haven't seen in months. Bigs hugs all around I was so happy seeing them. Having a brawl with Joe and beating the hell out of each other was something I've truly missed. Then they announce they leave I realise I'm in the house with just Mel. I read. She starts once more, "WHY ARE YOU READING ALL THE TIME?!" "I enjoy it" saying this as I left the room to go to a sleepless bed. I can't win. Or havn't won. There's been a battle in my head between caring and not. The not has won. I fail to see the point of anything. I suppose this is an opportune time tosay I caved. I smoked. I'm smoking right now. It's smoking or something that'd tke me life a hell of a lot quicker. Sorry for the length. I thought this would be a short post. Apparently this is a time were a lot in on my mind. I don't know what I expect in reply. Support seems futile as I can't see much to be done. I think it's too late. Thanks anyway.
It is never too late. Don't give up hope. I think the first thing is to get your sleeping sorted out. Have you tried yoga exercises to help calm your body and mind before going to bed. If you are not a yoga person go to your local pharmacy and ask what they have in their homeopathic range for sleep problems. Homeopathic remedies are surprisingly effective. As for your dad's girlfriend, you probably did the best thing in ignoring her, your dad obviously doesn't take her too seriously either. Do you have any family you can talk to about this situation with her?
I'm going to see my GP soon for a lot of things so i'll just add sleeping to the list. As for the family...no. We're all too distant, and none of them would take me seriously anyway. I'm just a very odd child in their eyes.
Smoking is utterly futile and life shortening. Aside from that, shit happens. Don't let'em tell you that you're a mental case. lol But it does sound like maybe you need some space to breath.
Mel is one serious psychopath. id have let her have it. but thats just me. and disregard what she says. shes stupid. "dont let hoes stop u from having a good time." ~ Kayla, the bad girls club. hope that helps! lol
