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Coming out help?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by fellCas, Aug 29, 2016.

  1. fellCas

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    TL;DR I wanna come out to my mom at some point but I don't know how.

    Rant isn't the best word, airing out feelings sounds a bit better I s'pose..

    I was born with the female genitalia and lived roughly 90% of my life as female, grew up in a small town that is/was religious as fuck and I grew up catholic and had no real interactions with or much exposure to anything of the LGBTQA+ anything other than the few things I'd see and hear on TV occasionally. I never really started getting exposure to any of it until high school and formulated my own morals and values away from my dad who's not homophobic any more but still thinks its wrong and has very catholic morals regarding anything of that nature. I was able to get away from my dad and his shit eventually and started branching out and learning and wound up figuring out more about what fits me. As far as my sexuality goes, I know I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum and panromantic but as with my gender identity I don't quite know how to bring it up either. My mom's pretty open but she's opinionated and stubborn and still thinks of me as her lil girlio. I'm pretty shy and don't like sharing these things to people face to face and would love to just send her a message over skype or something instead even though I know this is something I gotta do to her face. Some advice'd be nice. -Cas
     
  2. TheChainedPegasus

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    Hello, I love helping people who seek help for coming out :grin:

    First, I'd say that you should find out what you are and stick with it, if I understand correctly :

    You were born as a girl, but you find more yourself like a guy, even if you don't think you quite fit in as a male (that's the part I'm the least sure, as I understand almost nothing about genders XD).
    You could fall in love with any gender, but you do not wish to have sexual relations with them.

    Am I right about you ? If yes, that'd be easier for me to help, if no, just correct me ^^

    And then, for the coming out to your mom, choose some serious moment (not a bad moment nor a too happy one), tell her you're gonna be serious, then tell her.

    But first, ready yourself to talk to her. Do not tell her when you're not THAT confident about yourself.

    And, as for everyone, if everything is wrong in your day (or just keep us informated), there is EC that welcomes you any time :grin: (&&&)
     
  3. fellCas

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    :slight_smile: Yep ya got me lols, and thanks for the advice, I know it needs to be a serious time at least to discuss it but bringing up a conversation like that, its something that feels extremely daunting and I had a hard enough time asking her if she could drive me up to my hometown's pride festival much less anything else. Finding the right way to word all of this is going to be hard. -insert dry nervous chuckle.- Would you think it to impersonal to attempt to write a letter, I've always been able to talk about this sort of stuff through writing than speaking?
     
  4. landofconfusion

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    Do what you would be more comfortable with - I myself wrote a letter to my parents because I have a lot of trouble speaking to people about personal things, and it still worked for me. The only bad thing I guess is you won't see their reaction there and then and it may take them a little longer to process. It is 100% your choice whether you write or speak to the person - they will react the same either way. Hope this helps and good luck! :grin:
     
  5. Quantumreality

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    fellCas, you could always write them a letter/note and stand there while they read it. You have to decide what is most comfortable for you: telling them in-person (and variations like handing them the letter and waiting to gauge their reaction) or giving/sending them a letter and being on-edge emotionally until you get some reaction for them. There is no easy way to do this.

    Frankly, talking to parents about sex is daunting to the best of us. Telling them that you are not heterosexual is terrifying. In that moment, you are completely vulnerable and exposing a very personal and private part of who you are. Then waiting for their reaction can feel like you’re waiting to be judged and even if their reaction is almost instantaneous, it can feel like an eternity.

    If there is any chance your mom may take it badly (and face it, we can’t really know how anyone else will REALLY react until we actually come out to them), you should prepare yourself in advance. If she may disown you and throw you out of the house, have some place safe to go. If she is uniformed about the subject, she may try to blow it off as ‘just a phase’ or try to get you counseling to get you fixed. But, of course, we know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are the person that you were born to be. There is nothing TO ‘fix.’ Maybe be prepared with some materials to educate her on your sexuality. And it may take her some time to really process the idea in her mind – even if her initial response is (hopefully) one of full and unconditional love, so be prepared if you don’t get her full reaction up-front.

    Hope this helps a little. Good luck!:slight_smile:
     
  6. I'm gay

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    These are some good comments fellCas. The only thing I would add here is that it doesn't get any easier later on. I have just come out to my mom at 47 years of age two days ago. Whether you do it now or 30 years from now or any time between, the feelings you will undergo to do this will be the exact same.

    You can only do this when you muster the courage within yourself to take the leap. You will never know the reaction you will get until you do, and any amount of time between now and then can only add to your anxiety about it.

    I wish you the best of luck!
     
  7. fellCas

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    Thank you so much so far for all of your help, I know for a fact my mom won't throw me out, she's not that cruel-hearted of a person, I'm not sure what else will happen but that's at least a hard fact I know for certain. I do live with her at the moment so the letter and having her read it in front of me might be easier to do. And yeah, speaking face to face to anyone about anything has always been a daunting thing for me to do considering how painfully shy I am. Though I'm glad none of y'all think its bad to write a letter, I'm not the best when it comes to knowing how to act in social situations and the idea of writing it as a letter takes a small amount off of my shoulders with this. Again thank you guys so far I really appreciate the support.(&&&)
     
  8. Quantumreality

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    fellCas, I’m very glad to hear that you are certain that your mom won’t throw you out. At least you don’t have to worry about that! That's a big relief!

    As far as the letter goes, you might consider keeping it very simple. Maybe telling her flat out how you identify your sexual preference, how long you’ve known about your sexual preference, that you were born this way and that nothing is going to change it. This changes nothing about the person you are, but will make things a bit easier for you by not having to hide it anymore. Then maybe let her know that all you want is her unconditional love and support - as any child should expect from a parent. Or ideas/words to that effect; just some suggestions.

    Also, DO NOT apologize for telling her. YOU are the one who is opening up to her and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. If she has a problem with it, it is her problem. Don’t let her reflect her issues back on you (‘”oh what will the rest of the family/my friends/etc think?” and such issues are her problem, if they really are problems). --- Just a few more thoughts.

    Best of luck!:thumbsup:
     
    #8 Quantumreality, Aug 29, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2016
  9. Quantumreality

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    One more thing. You may want to specifically tell her whomever else she can tell about this (if anyone) and you will or will not come out to other people at your own pace. (Sometimes people don’t get that it is YOUR private information and ONLY you can decide whom to tell.)