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gay bathhouse as the first time?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by CaughtOutThere, Mar 19, 2009.

  1. CaughtOutThere

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    I used to be grossed out at the idea of that, but I'm not so sure anymore.

    Has anyone here been to a bathhouse before and can tell me what I should expect (without being too much of a smartass...)? Like types of people, ages... I always had this stereotype in my head that it's for gay men in denial who probably have a wife at home but I could be wrong.
     
  2. -Michael-

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    A house with a bath.

    Couldn't resist.
     
  3. Greggers

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    Ive only seen what the Queer as Folk show portrays bathhouses as. I would NEVER go to one because it seems like all it is is basically a dark place with little rooms to have anonymous sex in without even sharing your name with the other guy. Too risky and scary for me :frowning2:

    Edit: Yes, this is only QAF though. But still, any place thats just all about anonymous sex is a dangerous idea.
     
  4. CaughtOutThere

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    Yeah, what I'm most hesitant about is it being the first time. Not really knowing who I'm having sex with. Then again waiting for someone worth meeting didn't do much either. I'm 18. I also have a bit of a problem with intimacy so I thought maybe I should "shock" myself into this. I'm not really sure.
     
  5. hiddendc4

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    i say dont shock yourself, just wait for it to come naturally while working on any issues u might have
     
  6. Greggers

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    Its really not a good idea to do that :eek:

    Your only 18, thats honestly not a bad thing to be a virgin. Im a virgin and im definitely waiting for someone i LOVE. Sex without love is not only meaningless, but just so...dry...and empty. If you have a problem with intimacy though, im quite sure going to a place with many naked horny old men is NOT the way to fix your problem, but the way to develop many new phobias and become either afraid of sex, or a sex fiend...both not good...
     
  7. Kenko

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    A friend of mine had a friend that used to work at one and when he came home from work he would take a shower for like 45 minutes and scrub himself till he was almost bleeding.

    HTH
     
  8. BasketCase

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    I dont think that is a good idea.

    I have a problem with intimacy too but I want my first time with a guy (If it ever does happen) to at least be with someone I know. Preferably someone I like. Just doing it to get it over with and prove something would seem like a bit of a waste after what I have been putting myself through.
     
  9. EM68

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    I think its a bad idea. For me the first time I want it to be with someone I know and trust, not some horny guy that will do whatever.
     
  10. Lexington

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    ^ No comment. :slight_smile:

    I'd say pass. It's not that you can't have good sex in a bathhouse - you totally can. You might even luck out and find someone who will take the time and effort to show you a good time. But that'd REALLY be lucky. After all, most guys are at a bathhouse to get their rocks off, so that's what they'll be focusing on. Your pleasure will be rather secondary (if not even less so).

    Lex
     
  11. CaughtOutThere

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    Yeah, I totally see all the reasons why I shouldn't do it. I also wanna mention that I'm not rushing to have sex just because of my age, I'm turning 19 in 3 weeks and you have 11 year olds having sex nowadays. Yes I do feel behind and I hate it, but mostly I just feel like I don't have anything to lose at this point. Don't know how to word it really. I'm just more willing to lower my expectations and open my mind if it means my life will be less dull. You'd think I was really horny if I'm considering a bathhouse but it's the opposite.
     
  12. Your life will not be less dull by going to a bath house...well kinda, but not necessarily in the long run....let me explain quickly
    If you do have intimacy issues, then by shocking yourself, your mental health suffers....the world is not a fun place then.....
    And its not a bad idea to be open to new ideas. just dont think that lowering your expectations means its a better idea.
    From experience i believe that your consensual first time should have meaning (whatever that means to you), but dont expect heaven! good, maybe excellent, but not perfect.
    and there is nothing wrong with being a virgin!!!
    you wont die in horror movies!
     
  13. Lexington

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    >>>Yes I do feel behind and I hate it, but mostly I just feel like I don't have anything to lose at this point.

    I finally got laid at age 25. By a hitchhiker. In retrospect, I probably should've kept waiting. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  14. Greggers

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    Lex, your awesome. :eusa_clap

    Write a book, cause it will be hilarious. You have the best stories :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  15. joeyconnick

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    Okay WAIT just one second. Sex without love is not meaningless. It's certainly not the same as sex with love, but it's sex. It can be really good sex, and that's certainly a good thing, and not something I'd call meaningless. I've had sex without love and sometimes I've had a really good time. I've had sex with love, too, and sometimes that can be pretty bad despite the emotional content. :slight_smile:

    Also, I'm sorry but I do not for 1 second believe that someone who goes to a bathhouse is in ANY danger whatsoever of "becoming a sex fiend." Unless, and this is a maybe, they were already prone to addictive behaviour. Anonymous and/or casual sex is no more addictive than... than... bubble tea! People can develop unhealthy fixations with anything--I get so sick of how sex is treated as dangerous unless it's in the context of a 1950s nuclear family-esque loving, long-term, monogamous relationship.
     
  16. Greggers

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    ok ok, not meaningless, but there is something to the whole "separating sex and love" thing. Its easy for alot of people im sure, and thats fine, but without the love for alot of people it is meaningless because they need the two things hand in hand.

    ...and the sex fiend comment was more about a teen going to the bathhouse when hes not 100% ready to even accept himself. That shock could have damage.
     
  17. joeyconnick

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    I was gonna talk about how my friend's first time was in a bathhouse but it was actually a "bathhouse" in Amsterdam, so it was a brothel. So yeah, my friend's first time was something he paid for.

    Wait for the shocking twist: he's said on more than one occasions it was one of the best experiences of his life.

    My friend is a pretty regular not terribly kinky guy. He was having issues with his sexuality so while he was backpacking across Europe one summer, lo and behold he decided to check out one of the best gay bathhouses in Europe.

    Of course, the difference between my friend's experience and just going to a regular bathhouse would be that my friend got the benefit of a professional who was intent on making sure he had a good time. Not likely a guarantee if you just find someone random.

    I have never been one to buy that whole crap about waiting for your first time to be with someone "special." I think that's so... urgh... it's like when people start talking about virginity as if it's valuable or important or anything other than a patriarchal construction designed to keep women in their place and reinforce gender norms and stereotypes. But I digress... anyway, just because I think waiting for "that special someone" is stupid (and trust me, I really do), I think it would be kinda equally silly to just go out and do it with someone random to get it out of the way. Like honestly, sex is a million times better when you are all hot for the other person, and a million times better than even that when you also like the person.

    If you don't feel behind the curve, then why do you feel like you have nothing to lose by having sex with someone random? I can see you wanting to get it out of the way if you did feel behind but... well... you make it sound like a chore. And sex should never be a chore!

    So if you want a compromise suggestion, you could join some kind of online dating site and meet up with some guys and maybe you don't meet that perfect special someone but you might at least find someone you are attracted to and who you like. And you'll at least get to know them a bit if you go on some kind of "date-like" experience beforehand. I'm not talking about some craigslist insta-hook up, I mean like you have coffee or go see a movie first or what not. There are plenty of people online who are looking primarily for sex so it's not like finding someone to bed would be hard that way but there'd be at least a little bit more... I dunno... human contact beforehand.

    Definitely don't wait until you find someone perfect because perfection is pretty much an illusion in our world even when we think we've found it. But you know, it's probably worth putting some effort into a bit of a search.
     
  18. joeyconnick

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    That's what HE said.

    :lol:

    "hand in hand?"

    I dunno... it just struck me as dirty.

    Well, okay, yeah, if a closeted kid dove into the deep end, so to speak, and went to a bathhouse for his first sexual experience, yeah, that could definitely have an impact... but (a) it would be kinda illegal, so probably not super-common and (b) while I think it could be traumatic, I'm not convinced the trauma would manifest as sexual addiction. And the OP doesn't sound like a closeted teen so much as an inexperienced one. Although maybe I missed or glossed over a message. Like it sounds like he's put at least some thought into it.

    But bathhouses are definitely something I wouldn't recommend for any kind of beginner. Heck, I'm by no means a beginner and I've never been because they make me nervous/uncomfortable. They really seem popular with some people though, and I definitely think that part of the clientele is the more closeted people. I sorta see it as a weird mix between the people who are really comfortable with themselves along with the people who really aren't.
     
  19. Mr Bojangles

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    I would advise against tbh.

    Unless you like fat old men in saunas?
     
  20. Jim1454

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    I was 25 as well. And then it was with a woman. It took me a few more years to figure out that I was gay and be with a man. So try not to sweat it. I know that's easier said than done today, where sex appears to be everywhere and experienced by everyone. But that's the media pushing it - it isn't necessarily the reality for everyone.

    I've never been to a bath house, but I have enough of an idea of what goes on there to know that it would probably NOT be a good idea for your first time. There are other ways to have a 'first time' without waiting for your life-time partner to materialize. Check out some of them first and see how it goes.