Hi everyone, I'm a 21 year old male, currently studying computer science in Germany and I have been obsessed with everything concerning my sexuality this summer. CN: Masturbation, porn, fantasy, tumor/cancer tl;dr: Confusion over own sexuality, very open to the idea of being LGBT (no denial that I know of?), but have been going back and forth... A bit of backstory first: I am a late bloomer where sexuality is concerned. I have never had an intimate relationship before and only dated few women until today. I kept a very intense friendship during my high school time with a girl and everybody assumed that we would go on dating, but every time I did start setting up a proper date, I was totally not feeling it. I kissed her one night, she assumed "it" had finally happened, but going home I realized I could not picture a relationship with her and I broke up. Following that, I had a meeting with another boy (I was 17 going on 18 then) and we cuddled for a night. Nothing happened, but I remember quite distinctly having a raging boner and thinking: "If this turns to sex, I wouldn't mind." The problem with this encounter was, that I was very scared at the time because my mother had been hospitalized with a brain tumor, fallen into a coma and I was just preparing to leave for a year abroad. So my emotions where not in the right place. Nonetheless I have treasured this encounter and I think back to it with a lot of fondness (and I masturbate to the feeling of him touching my nipples :lol. Since that night I have been having "gay" fantasies, though I cannot tell you how often or how frequently. I figured that I must be a bisexual and was quite happy with the label, but I told myself that I would not have to act on those feeling. I knew 0 gay people back then and I did not want to have a weird relationship with my friends. I also figured that I would just fall for the right person in time. Jump three years ahead: I dated a few women since then, but I was only into one of those. I developed an intense crush on one of my female friends, but she is in a stable relationship and I am a very level headed person, I can stop emotions very well. During this time I would get small crushes on other men too, infrequently and never really stable... I would look at someone and develop fantasies about us kissing, but all of these where always over very quickly. I masturbated a lot to these fantasies, but I rarely thought of actual sex, mostly physical intimacy. I love physical intimacy and cuddling with my mates at college (we are in CS, so there really are very few girls around :lol and I get a boner there too. I even thought about going on a date with a guy, but it never felt right and every time I actually met one of my fancies, there would be zero feelings. During my college time I became exposed to LGBT+ rights and activism as well as feminism and I have been a proud supporter of all types of gender/sexuality rights and equality, to the point where I very often annoy people with my activism :icon_wink . Over the last semester a couple of things happened, that pushed me right into the questioning territory: I had a very bad date with a girl I thought I liked but felt zero emotions for. I got into a drunken cuddling session with one of my best friends and I desperately wished that we would make out. (It didn't happen and I'm very thankful for that in hindsight.) A close friends of mine came out to me. I had suspected for some time, and he wasn't really closeted, but the issue hadn't come up before until he mentioned his boyfriend. Somehow that revelation made my desperate for him to notice me (never happened, I don't register a blip on any gaydar ) and I started thinking a lot of seducing him next semester. This thankfully has stopped, I would not want to come between him and his boyfriend! The germans have a saying which translates to: A little bit bi never hurts! And I always took that as a confirmation that everybody is a bit bi. A drunken night with my brother and friends showed me different. They where so 100% sure of their heterosexuality (while admitting that they had all questioned) and I got very confused: How do I now I'm straight? I have a lot of fantasies that are far from straight. I have been having a bad semester all in all and got kinda depressed and started questioning my place in life, my desperate wish for a relationship and it hit me: I have not been behaving very straight... Where am I now: I looked at gay porn for the first time (first porn I ever watched, never had the urge before) and some of it got me hard immediately. Straight porn didn't really do it for me, I found the women to be incredibly fake, but looking further I found some that I could enjoy. Gay written erotica also get's me hard, I have not found well written straight texts. I can get hard to fantasies of me lying in bed with a man, but I cannot picture sex. That turns me off, even though I enjoy the porn. I am not attracted to a guys penis (which is opposite of what most bi/gay people report). I have been less and less attracted to girls in the past month. I enjoy looking at pictures of gay intimacy. It's not sexual, but I really love the idea of two men loving each other. I get sexualized thoughts towards men, but I have been thinking about all of this so hard, that I don't really trust these. The problem is, that I feel profoundly not gay. I have very positive LGBT role models, gay friends with whom I have a very healthy relationship, I have met NO negative comments telling people about my questioning, yet adapting any label seems incredibly wrong to me. I enjoy my "gay" moments and all the fantasies, I have no guilt about them, but after a while they seem very fake to me. I have never fallen in love with a man (though beyond crushes also not with a woman) and every time I want to come out and at least claim bisexual, it doesn't feel right... I do not feel a strong need for sex, I do not love men the way my gay friends do, I do not obsess over girls the way my straight friends do, I feel lost. I cannot even tell, if I am really interested in men or if my attitude was just: You always told yourself your bi, now you must go through with it. And yes, I have seriously been overthinking this :icon_wink
This sounds a bit like my journey through my teenage and young adult life. It's very confusing and challenging. But it also sounds like you are bi-curious - at the very least. I find it hard to reconcile your involvement and interest in LGBTI issues and activism with your discomfort at the thought of sex with a guy. My advice would be stay away from porn and stop fantasising about sex and just get out there and have sex. I lived in Germany for many years and I found it to be a very tolerant society towards LGBTI people - especially the big cities and university towns. Have you ever been to a gay sauna? I lived in Munich and on Friday and Saturday evenings there were always a lot of students at the gay sauna in the Deutsche Eiche - I guess they went there before heading out to a night club. Seriously, you need to give it a go and just have fun. Otherwise you're going to stay trapped in the Teufelskreis of fantasies and porn and not knowing. I had a good therapist in Munich who said the expression of my sexuality was an important part to moving forward out of the cycle of depression and anxiety.
Kinda like what I'm going through. I think I like guys. But the whole sex part just kinda freaks me out.
Thanks, i've decided to ask a gay friend of mine who helped me with a lot of this stuff. I like him and I am very comfortable around him and he said yes. We are going to meet on Sunday and he is completely OK with me deciding the pace. Now I just need to see whether I will chicken out in the situation or not... Hookups with strangers make me really uncomfortable (doesn't matter if male or female) so that is completely out of the question. I need the safety of knowing that I can fully trust the other guy. To clarify: I do not find the idea of gay sex repulsive by itself, I just really cannot picture me doing it. I love chatting with my LGBT friends about their hookups (although I get kinda jealous ;-) ). My mind just turns blank thinking about actual sex.
That's a big and positive step forward. And very brave of you. Just take it at your own pace and enjoy. And remember, it's only sex. We tend to give it all sorts of meanings and make it more complicated than it is. It doesn't help that we get all these mixed messages about it from society and the media. And although it's only sex, a satisfying expression of your sexuality is very important to feel good about yourself. And remember you can say No at any moment - the same principles of consent apply to gay sex as to straight sex. Have fun. Enjoy yourself.
So I did it and my buddy and me had a very wonderful night together. I'm still trying to piece everything together. I told most of my friends yesterday that I started to date guys and all of them where great and supportive. One of my female friends even tried to "test" how gay I really am by throwing herself at me and I really realized that I literally desired contact with every male in the room more then with her. Coming to terms with such a sudden shift in life is still difficult and I am wondering how to proceed, but I am making progress. Thanks for your kind words and supportive attitude, I will probably remain on this forum and post infrequently how everything is developing.
Congratulations on taking this big step despite all your doubts and concerns. The negative thoughts might come back every now and then, they still do with me. And I'm still learning to just let them come and go and not start analysing and questioning all over again. And great news that your friends are so supportive. It'll probably take some time just to get used to this big shift in your life so try not to force anything. And if you ever need any support, you'll always find it here on this forum. Enjoy being who you are.
Thanks, that was really encouraging. It get's easier the more I talk with friends, and the more I get used to the idea of reevaluating some of my plans for the future...
